-Mr. And Mrs. Smith (after a major shootout in which Jane has fired a shotgun at her husband, John)

If you know me, you know that I watch my movies in portions. I usually try to do it at areas that I can remember I am at so I know how much I have left. Yesterday, I watched 1 hour of this unrated Mr. And Mrs. Smith and today I can say I am up to 1 hour and 35 minutes. Just a little more, baby.

So far, I like the unrated Mr. And Mrs. Smith a bit more even if there wasn't much to improve. You take a husband a wife team that just found out each is a spy now assigned to kill each other so how can you not find the humor in John Smith kicking the shit out of Jane Smith while she's on the ground. I know. I find humor in odd places.

Why is this one better? Again, the sex scene has a small addition in which we learn John does Jane doggie style. They went crazy in a cab and our favorite goof, Vince Vaughn, finally gets a little more to his character's discussion on taking out John's wife. More with the marriage counselor, many deleted scenes (some were definitely needed to be hacked off), and an alternate ending that could have worked right before the end's "10" statement. I loved the ending we saw in the theater.

So, I got to thinking about how women and men think differently and made a list of things that could save a relationship (or destroy it, knowing my mind). What I hate is how there are people that insist on telling me that the sexes are exactly the same while I know better. I actually like the differences but here is a list of things that have annoyed me in past relationships along with what guys have told me:

1). Temper tantrums are for little girls. I will ignore you if you use this as a ploy to get what you want.

2). We are not your "little projects." Many men I know get sick of women that insist on changing their boyfriends/husbands. Be it, clothes, house, or telling us to get better friends. No more.

3). Sometimes, it's YOU that smells bad.

4). For a girl that has a loving and faithful boyfriend/husband, I have 1 word for you: Swallow. How would you feel if he decided to place a bucket to spit in while going down on you?

5). Don't threaten me with marriage. Plus, don't tell me it was in the bible and will make our relationship a better one when it's obvious you don't have your facts. Marriage was over property so you better be worth more than an emu, 3 ducks, a well-hung donkey, and 2 monkeys. Monkeys don't give us shit so we might dump you for one.

6). Don't tell me to trim my stubble when you've got a major bush down there and dark 5 o' clock shadow in your 'pits. A smooth pussy is more likely to be eaten so keep that in mind.

7). Besides the worry of you farting, we men are a bit hesitant on eating you out from behind thanks to our manly prayer that your asshole is clean. The smell of ass can overwhelm the sweet smell of pussy even in the heat of passion.

8). What about my car? What about your fucking car!?! Why does a guy need to drive a Porsche, Lamborghini, or Delorean for status we don't even feel the need for? It's sad when a guy's merit is based on what he drives even if we all know that a guy in a BMW convertible has a small dick.

9). A fat chick in nice panties is just that, a fat chick in nice panties. Men are visual and if you don't care about taking care of your body, why should we? No amount of "magic panties" is going to save your need to be sloth. We don't expect supermodels but a girl that actually does more than just lay around eating Oreos and shitting all over the place.

10). Why do we get blamed for so many things? Lost your car keys? My fault! Put on weight? My fault! The cat farted and now the room smells like bad vegetables? My fault! I hate it when I get chewed out for nothing.

11). Don't take up a sport that your boyfriend/husband finds fun to do every now and then. It's his way of decompressing from the issues he faces with you. Men need to be left alone every now and then.

12). Sometimes, we just want to sleep.

13). Don't act so surprised when we ejaculate. You rubbed the magic lamp so the genie has to come out at some point. It's almost like we are now back in high school and you are giving your first handjob only to be shocked with the sight of semen for the first time.

14). We don't want to know that you poop. In fact, we just think your breakfast/lunch/dinner just magically disappears since some of us like to snack down there. When we are in the bathroom brushing our teeth, don't just decide to take a major dump in front of us. This goes for camping, too. Make sure I'm at least 100 yards from where you have now made a pit and decided to squat over it.

15). A woman that reads is NOT boring. In fact, this is a charming intellectual trait that should not be hidden. It also lets us know that you might be informed as to what is going on in the world.

16). Don't make fun of women with amazing bodies that are around us. It just shows how jealous you are that they take pride in their health. Some of the most beautiful women have great bodies AND have smarts. These are a rarity but they do exist.

17). If you've slept with him for over a week, I think he just might like being with you even when you don't have makeup on. Don't hide yourself.

18). Bigger boobs will not save a marriage. There are bigger issues than tits, even if some men I know will disagree with me on this.

19). To add, some of us guys like small breasts and, yes, this includes me. Be proud of them. Girls I know with large tits tend to complain a lot since they get in the way during common tasks.

20). Sleeping with 100's of guys is not what feminism was about.

And so that is all I have to say about some of the most common mistakes I have learned that many women do not get. I'm sure there is more in this head but right now that is enough. Did I miss anything? Back to Mr. And Mrs. Smith as the sky threatens rain all this weekend. I have to clean the doghouse tomorrow so that's all I have to tell you. Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

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