My relationship with my dad is not one of those father/son types. It's why I envy Bald-O and how he can talk to his dad with such ease. When you see the two of them, it's like best friends in some ways. Bald-O's dad taught him things that I've longed to know, manly stuff. By "manly stuff," I mean knowledge in cars, life, and things that moms don't generally tell about. This is one of many reasons I have more feminine traits than masculine. Don't worry. I don't give a shit what people think about that.

Last year, my dad did not wish me a happy birthday. In fact, we fought just like today. When I went out to get the sweeper to clean out my dad's truck, he got pissed off that I did not know there was acid in the garage out back. How could I know? I'm not in that place often and was just looking for a sweeper. So, my dad threw a fit.

The next thing you know, I start yelling at my dad about how he treats me. I've always felt dumb around him thanks to his way of dealing with me. It was amusing to see the neighbors watching as I went after my dad. No longer am I afraid of him since I am bigger. I can stand up to him more but he does make me feel weak at times.

It's sad, right? Well, I am used to it pretty much. The way my dad makes me feel is a big part of why I suffer from depression. It's always how he treats me like I don't know shit about anything yet he is the one throwing a fit. Why he had acid down on the ground instead of in a safe place I'll never know. Just don't come after me to make me feel so fucking stupid.

My dad was never around for me much in the past. I taught myself football, baseball, basketball, and all the other sports. While other kids had their fathers watching over them or teaching them, my dad was not around much. I've also hated my dad at times when I remember how he cheated on my mom. I don't think I will ever forgive him. Ever.

So, you see? I'm envious of guys and how they can do things with their dads. I can't. I'm at that age where I will move out soon and not want to catch up for all this lost time. I've waited for a long time for my dad to grow up or at least try. Oh, the fact that I can beat the shit out of him for messing with me probably scares him. Never give a kid ,that knows what he is doing, a weight set. Never say mean things to his mother when you know how close he is with her since you were never there. I'll defend my mom with ease.

It's sad how close to last year this time period is replicating. At that time, I got into a huge argument with my dad and he didn't wish me a happy birthday. It's not that big of a deal but sometimes it grows on you to add up. My thoughts are to just toughen up and not give a fuck. I'm still depressed so I just wish someone would shoot me to end this weeklong pain.

I've had a humongous issue with self esteem. All of this self hatred and anger towards myself is wearing me out to the point that I don't sleep much. I'm always wishing to improve myself to let things like this bounce off me. Unfortunately, I am sensitive to what others say. Maybe, I just need a dependency on a drug to help me make it throught the night.

- - 2009-07-07

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