Exhibit A is my mother

Exhibit B is my grandma (Mom's mom)

My grandma calls up here before we were to leave and tells us to stay. It's the same fucking excuse: "I've got the shits." Why have all my times of getting out of here been based on people's shitting habits? I mean, if you crap so much out of your ass, shouldn't you be putting the food away instead of shoveling it in? My dad caused us last week's. Now my grandma's asshole is sore!?!

To my amazement in my mother's dealing with things (it usually ends up us having a huge argument), she bought pizza, not just any old pizza, mine. It's this local pizza place that slops on the cheese in all the right places as well as with the cheese sticks that no one has been able to top. If I'm gonna be kept here, I'm going down in orgasmic moans while stuffing myself of cheese n' mushrooms.

So, I should be gone tomorrow morning around 7am. I know this since my mother said it in "Mom Time" (6:30am) which translates into around 7am. You see, my mother needs a lot of time in the bathroom thanks to her addiction in this factor. As a small boy growing up, I've learned that girls need so much time to do "girl stuff." I'm so not going into what I know about this "stuff" is. To reveal this, all males that read this diary would suddenly stop dating.

So, I wallowed in pizza and then watched my beloved Cubs kick the Atlanta Braves asses tonight at a score of 3-1. I'm hoping this is our year since I'm not giving up quality time to watching a measly baseball game and stuffing myself for nothing.

Packing is different since I'm not one for cigarette smoke. It's nothing against the smokers out there but my clothes tend to get the smell on and I just can't stand the smell once I get home. Nothing fazes me while I'm at Bald-O's with all the smoking he does but I like to have my clothes smell nice once I get back home. So, I am taking my ratty old sweat shirts to wear all in the trailer in the middle of 40 acres of bliss. It's so quiet that if the toilet is clogged up (Bald-O is known to do this on Sundays), just drop your britches outside since only the horses nearby will be snickering.

"Hey, you asshole, I can do that AND walk at the same time. Bunch of wimps!"

It's funny how my dear mother got pissed at me before dinner when I told her that she is so like her mother in the need to be dramatic. I'm guessing Grandma called and said, "Ya can't come down here! I'm shitting and I can't stop." The thing is that it's her house she'll stay at so she can poop anytime. I don't see the problem.

I have no idea why I'm telling you this but I have 11 white t-shirts still not worn. They are all lined up in my closet since I decided to count them tonight. Yes, people, this is a sign of complete boredom at its best. Why do I get stuck in a town that visitors describe as "shallow golf playing pricks?" That is so dead on in descriptive words.

MTV's virginity show was something I just had to laugh at. Yes, losing it is an important issue but I just cannot believe how stupid people are about diseases and pregnancy. Yes, you get pregnant on the first time. Yes, you can get a disease if you suck dick or eat out women (I try so hard to keep my mouth shut). Just shows you how stupid this great country is.

I'm not sure where this whole boys obsessing over taking girls' virginities took place. Frankly, I couldn't care less since I love a girl with experience and could hold my dick like a microphone at a Japanese karaoke night. It's just so fluid in perfection. What's also cool is if she's finally cool with her own secret scent instead of being afraid to let me go down on her. Yes, it smells funny but it's a good kind of funny.

I was thinking about how men growing up with 50s porn suddenly see an actual naked woman. Here she is with legs spread and he's probably saying, "Ya mean, you've got 2 mouths! Can you smoke with that one, too?" Yeah, back then no pubic hair could be shown and smoking was considered a good thing. Go figure.

- - 2009-07-07

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