After viewing The Crow for the 3rd time, I found myself actually mesmerized. So, my reasoning is that I wanted to avoid the inevitable, my depression. Yes, the movie has a bit of this and a quote that stayed with me:

"It can't rain all the time."

I forgot which character said that but what I am trying to say is that I feel like it's raining all the time with me. It's been this way for years in that I get picked up to only find myself at the bottom once again. At some point, you just pretty much give up which brings me to a quote found in my mom's classroom:

"If you only do what you've already done, you'll only get what you've always gotten."

The reason I won't change myself is that I don't think it would do me any good. I'll continue to feel like a complete loser no matter how hard I work at things.

Let's take what happened at work on that Friday in which a woman wrote to tell about a guy that made her shopping experience much better. Even though it made me feel so good inside and that I did something to help another, no one at work gave a shit except a few of my co-workers. Pete gave me a "thumbs up" along with Tony. Did my bosses say anything? No, so I just continued on my miserable way.

What I'm saying is that I never really feel noticed so often that I tend to just blend in the background or shadows watching everyone else have fun, fun I wish I was having.

I feel for people miserable about work or getting work because I'm stuck in a dead end for another 4 weeks to which nothing will become of it. It would be nice to feel that my company is wanted but I don't get that at all. Who cares, right? I'm miserable since I'm only held accountable for what I do wrong.

What am I to become? I've got a college degree and nothing to show of it.

"Here be Mike, a graduate with a degree in Business Management and a minor in Community Health. To which, we never noticed the little depressed fucker was dead. May he finally rest in peace."

Funny how it is actually raining today to bring how I feel much worse for wear. Due to all my worries and troubles, I feel so bloody tired and susceptible to distrust. Just this once, I won't hit back but keel over from lack of interest.

You wanted honesty? Well, that's what I'm giving you. I've also got the issue of people leaving me once I've met them. It's just me in this town and nothing to show of it due to everyone either starting a family and my not keeping up with them due to being away at school. Who'd want to know me?

Let's see........

Joe left to start stripping in another town. Not many people made me laugh like him. Plus, Joe was the guy that I could relate to in so many ways.

Jeff's leaving to work north and follow his girlfriend (they will break up).

Chris will most likely stop coming to the gym due to Jeff leaving. Those two were real close from college.

Oh, there's more but I'm not going to dwell on it all. I'm just too scared to meet people because they will eventually just leave and I'll start all over again.

I know there is optimism in that "Who knows what tomorrow will bring?" Unfortunately, I dwell on the frustrated parts. Experience bleeds me dry.

Ever watch traffic? You wonder what drives people to and from things as well as why they seem happier than you. At least, that's my thoughts.

I'm seriously drained within so I must do something about how I feel because I am the only one to control this. Isn't there anyone that would like to meet me for a long conversation and no thoughts of anger? Isn't anyone trying to find me? Am I whining or at least sound like it?

- - 2009-07-07

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