Alas, I am seriously thinking of quitting Diaryland or at least go on hiatus for some time. What my problem is is that I'm taking things too personal for some odd reason and it's going too far. Add that to the fact that I'm filled with a lot of confusion within me as to what I want out of this damn thing.

*Sammy, nothing in my problems has anything to do with you. I know how busy you are......playing Solitaire....uh, homework. I'm laughing, Homey.*

Okay, have you ever seen the video "Numb" by Linkin Park?

*Hands down, Samantha!*

Well, I feel like that girl in the video, the one that is pretty much ignored and doesn't feel like she can live up to expectations. Throughout the video, we see her bottle things up til she just can't take it anymore. That's what I feel like at times.

I've talked a bit about my minor bout with depression thanks to inheriting it from my dad. What helps me keep it under control is working out thanks to all the endorphins pulsating in my head. Oh, the high I get at times! No amount of weed or drink can mimic this feel.

My personal issues in suffering from depression are that I am extremely critical of myself and how I do entries. Many are personal or just plain humorous (depends on your definition of "humor"-I know) that take their tolls on me. Why do I bother to even say what is within me?

What I want is honesty in people but all I get are "little white lies" that add up to my descension into distrust. Some examples:

-"Let's be email buddies!"

(Oh, that means you will hit me up once a month? Gee, thanks. I'd rather you tell me that you think I'm a fucking moron and that you like to laugh at me or that I entertain you.)

-"Sorry, I didn't email you. It's nothing personal."

(Fuck you! You hit everyone else but me but you love to read a shit load of entries by me. Why don't you just drop me and leave me the fuck alone if I'm just not worth the time?)

I don't know what it is, to be honest. People just continue to confuse me. They seem nice in the beginning but then the true colors come out. Just ignore me and I'll go away. I got that part down.

That's kind of why I want to start over on Diaryland by getting a new diary and deleting everything from this one. My homey from Texas will know right away where I am due to her and I always keeping an open line with honesty.

It's funny all this coming out of me since I'm dressed in a red henley, blue jeans, and white socks. Get it? I'm not so Christmasee am I but I dress the part for now.

They say that the holidays bring out a lot of depressive thoughts and I agree. Me seeing people with large families makes me jealous. What's funny about all that is that kids were jealous of me in private school since I got a hell of a lot of Christmas presents.

"I'd give all that up to have a huge amount of aunts and uncles over to spend the holidays with" was what I found myself to be saying day in a day out at this time. You don't want to know how awful I felt when MR's inviting me over on the holidays almost made me lose it to see a huge family together. It's a wonder why I didn't kill myself.

Speaking of that, I'm now reminded of the time I came close to slashing my wrists long ago. Yes, I know the correct way to do this so don't ask. Want to know the reason because it's completely embarassing.

I was scared of entering high school was the reason I wanted to kill myself. I swear it! It was me laying there with sharp scissors ready to go all because my environment would change drastically. No uniforms or nuns to drive me insane. No fighting an oppressive religion. No being in a school of just white folks (We had 2 black people. That's all!). It was such a change that I was in no way feeling ready for. Is that pathetic or what?

Where am I going with all this? I'm not entirely sure. What I am telling you is that I give you a shit load of honesty but I expect it back as well. If you don't want to meet me, see me, email me, or read me, just leave me the hell alone. If I haven't heard from you in a while, I just consider you gone.

One of my friends here on Diaryland made me laugh because I had never been told the truth in a long time.

"I can't email you because I have no real time and that I'm not into emailing people."

There you go! Loved her response and I honor it. The rest can just fuck off and I just might squish you with my Air Jordans, preferrably the black ones so I don't have to see the color of your muck.

My week hasn't been the best due to work, the cold wind, and constant feeling of not worthy of anything. The highlight was seeing "Celebs Uncensored" in which there was a woman that just dropped her panties and peed like a racehorse all while being a completely angry drunk. Wow! I was shocked when they showed her massive flow of piss hitting the road. I'm sure the guy driving her home was not into sniffing those panties because she forgot to wipe. What? It's not like the people watching all this will share a "square" with an angry drunken woman that stands to pee.

- - 2009-07-07

Love Facebook - 2009-05-07

Retards Away! - 2009-02-16

Jackasses! I Sees 'Em! - 2008-11-28

My Birthday Happened - 2008-09-07