Allow me to explain everything and to end all that is bottled up. A portion of me is completely embarassed as to my entries I wrote about recently. They caused quite a lot of emails and reactions.

Here goes..........

I went to a university about an hour south of me to which I had the time of my life. Nothing could beat how great it was to be living with Bald-O, Lil' Jason, Blondie, and so on. We partied a lot, all while still getting good grades and wrecking havoc on the RAs. You should have seen me with my boys in that I learned a lot about what I should value since all I was used to was money.

However, school must always end at some point. Graduation to me was what I was dreading more than anything. "What was I to do next?" "Will I still keep in touch with my boys?" Trust me. You can put off things as much as possible but they end up biting you in the ass.

Why was I dreading graduation? Easy. I would be coming back to my hometown, a place that I love but hate in the people that inhabit it. For one thing, I live in a snobbish neighborhood due to a lot of people that own businesses and such that think money is the most important thing out there.

What was funny was how I didn't realize right away that I was scared of graduation. It was Jen (Yes, THAT Jen) that told me of this when I sent her a disturbing email that contained my fears accidently. She noticed all this and told me that everyone feels that way.

Yeah, but try coming back to a town where you know no one and am starting from square one due to people leaving along with starting families. Apparently, friends aren't in the picture or there is no time.

Let's face it. I am alone due to the friends I grew up with on campus being about 2 and a half hours away. I'm not clingy but I miss them dearly due to all the things we went through as a group or individually. It was scary to open myself up like that but how could I not? Bald-O is the best person I've ever met in my life and one of the girls put it best:

"When the two of you get together, there's this little thing that lights up and we know there's gonna be trouble. The two of you will always be friends."

I miss Bald-O a lot because he does something that no one here in my town does, listen. That's why the girl from Peru soothed me in the parking lot when we talked. We didn't care how cold it was because we're just so warm to each other. If all goes well, the two of us are going to lunch together after our workouts.

Let's also face this: I don't seem to sleep much and it makes me too tired to deal with just about anything. Rest and relaxation are a myth at times due to my weird sleeping habits.

I work from 5am til 10am. 5 hours, no big deal? Well, I don't see light much at all. It's dark outside and I'm in a giant building til the light is just letting out to which I crash once I get home. The next thing I know, it's dark again due to it being winter. Now, if I had started work earlier in that I was used to these hours at a time of light being shown more, it would be different. Some people may like darkness but too much makes me depressed.

So, what I'm trying to say is that I've felt alone for some time. It makes me feel like people don't pay any attention to me due to their own needs whereas I'd drop anything just to help them.

Add all this to me watching my dad descend into something I'm having trouble understanding. He has been on his computer almost 24 hours in the past 2 days! I have no idea what he is doing but it is quite disturbing.

This is my diary and I have to say what I feel at that particular time I'm feeling it. There is no choice because I just do tell you what is in my head and you can judge how fucked up I am. Madness, no?

Oh, when you have no one to really let things out to, you tend to bottle them up til they burst. I'm bad. Real bad at this and lash out at anyone in my path but oddly enough, some people are immune to all this. Sammy, whom I met on Diaryland at a very good time is one. Bald-O is as well since he's seen one of my bad periods in which I lost it in a bar. I'm much better with my PenDragon since she gave me a good talking to that made me think about my behavior.

It's funny how one Diarylander mentioned jealousy. I feel that way, too, at times.

I'm jealous of:

-Lu-Lu's amazing relationship.

-Alison's amusing outlook towards her own mishaps.

-Brit's sense of independence.

-PenDragon's determination.

-Sammy's mental toughness.

-AWA's no shit n' shinola entries along with no fear to show sadness.

I could go on, folks. The point is that there are little bits of things that I wish I could add to myself to make my life easier that each of you have. Oh, I have balls but I'm lacking in other areas so I've got the major parts needed.

It seems like every entry I've read today is depressing. Is it everyone that feels so awful at this time of year? What happened to us? I used to absolutely love Christmas and seeing the decorations as I drove down the main road to Grandma's house. Now, I'm scared of the little things that seem to add up in my personal misery.

Look, I hope everyone feels a bit better and confronts those inner demons thanks to the sun setting a bit too fast, the wind howling as you walk down the sidewalk, and falling flat on your ass due to ice. It can't rain all the time.

I hope no one sees what I'm saying as a bunch of excuses. I'm just fearful in saying that I'm lonely in how everything is at this time. I want the good times again and to know someone that actually makes me glad to see them all while living in my hometown.

Thanks to all those that sent me emails and notes. They meant a lot and each made me feel so good in how you took the time to write even under so much time consuming stress of school or life. A big heart out to AWA and Alison for the longest emails I've ever seen in a long while. I was seriously shocked at how great the words were.

- - 2009-07-07

Love Facebook - 2009-05-07

Retards Away! - 2009-02-16

Jackasses! I Sees 'Em! - 2008-11-28

My Birthday Happened - 2008-09-07