Yeah, about the only thing that caused me to *kind of* raise my eyebrow was the surprise of Lord Of the Rings finally getting a major award at The Golden Globes and then hearing about 11 nominations for the Oscars. Is it time for greatness to be recognized instead of the usual Hollywood drivel we are subjected to each year?

The Lord Of the Rings trilogy was more than a movie to me. It showed hope that imaginations can finally be recognized and applauded. Sure, you may laugh at those people that dress up as their favorite characters but you really shouldn't. I'd love to visit that world, too.

Today was another one of my firsts that seem to be coming into my life. While doing my workout with 320 pounds for a behind the neck press, I cracked my back. Let me phrase that simply for those of you that have never done something like this:

I CRACKED my fucking back to which I heard the damn thing make that loud sound as if you cracked your biggest knuckle. It didn't hurt but once I tried to get up, I couldn't do it without pain.

So, I sat there on the bench in a freaked out mode for about 2 or 3 minutes. I've seen a guy crack someone's back for them to release the pain but oh, man, have I been so scared of having that done. Really scared.

No one noticed due to them keeping to their own workouts and the fact that the usual shitty latest music was playing to drown out my loud crack. So, I just picked myself up, put the weights that I was using for laterals away, and ran on the treadmill to dwell on what just happened.

I quit. That was the warning I needed and therefore I will never be doing behind the neck presses with that kind of weight. I'm only 187 pounds and should not be doing that kind of weight. Go ahead and say, "Boo-Hoo, Hedgehoggy" but I was really freaked out for those few minutes.

I'm okay now but just a bit fearful of things. It's more of being scared to do that kind of exercise again to which I really shouldn't have done that kind of weight anyway.

Ever had weird rushes just from the sight of someone? Polly, a girl I mentioned long ago from my gym, came to visit her former town. I'm a fucking priest compared to her, what with slamming more pints and fucking around. Not many girls scare me off but Polly does. I missed her in some ways.

Yeah, ol' Polly sees me doing my push-ups on the mat and came up to pat me on the shoulder. Our conversations are short and to the point since there is no point in fucking around with her. Polly is just one tough girl that I admire in some ways. Funny how she had a crush on me at one time. Little ol' me?

So, that's the last time I'll see Polly for a long time. She goes back to Chicago tomorrow and into her new life of visiting bars to outdrink guys. Love her t-shirt once worn in the gym:

"I Prefer Dicks To Hooters"

It's been raining in my mind lately thanks to the trecherous cold and my inability to stop hating myself. While running on the treadmill, I was forced to see myself in the mirrors in front of me. I absolutely hated it and wanted to smash them instead of seeing myself so close at that time. There are certain times I don't want to see myself and after tonight's back cracking, it wasn't easy to do so.

There's a movie my dad wanted me to rent today called Manic. It's about these juveniles placed into a psychiatric ward due to all their behaviors such as violence, night terrors, and so on. It's pretty gritty and I found myself a little uncomfortable while watching it. There was not Hollywood crapola to make you feel all gooey inside, just grittiness with a camera that doesn't want to stay put.

To me, Angelina Jolie put it best:

"Some days, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

Yeah, there are days I may sound arrogant or whatever the fuck you want to base your opinion on but depression hitting here and there just makes you go back down. A memory or two can strike. Last night, I thought about how the show Tru Calling had an episode on going back to high school. For me, I'd like to beat the shit out of my friend that raped another this girl I knew. That fucking piece of shit laughed!

"I never promised you a rose garden."

I know you're not supposed to live in the past but certain things just stir me up. I've been shot at, seen my best friend lose himself to alcoholism, lost people constantly, and want to just start over somewhere else. Whoever said that these years are the best of our lives must have been drunk off his ass.

Happiness to me is not seeing this world's greatness disappear thanks to destructive corporations with a smug look. It's also not having to worry about flying with a psycho dedicating himself to Allah so he can get 72 virgins. I'm lost in my points so let's leave it at that.

Gawd, I feel like such a fuck up even though I had a pretty good day with J, that bisexual girl. We laughed as usual at little things about each other. Now, I just see myself and not appreciate what I am, the people that keep visiting this diary and telling me I'm not good enough to be a "fave" or whatever low point I think. I know I'm an embarassment and all of it makes me feel like what I'm saying is just complete shit. Maybe, they're right.

- - 2009-07-07

Love Facebook - 2009-05-07

Retards Away! - 2009-02-16

Jackasses! I Sees 'Em! - 2008-11-28

My Birthday Happened - 2008-09-07