-Graduate (Yes, I graduated from college with a degree in Business Management and a Minor in Health Studies)

-Son (I have parents, of course)

-Brother (I have a little brother that does not say a word to me unless I fart. He seems to understand where that's coming from since this is part of the male language)

-Grandson (My grandparents love to see me. I, of course, end up drunk in a trailer with my college friend two days later after that visit)

-Dipshit (This is what I have heard, thanks to my insane driving with Dad. Hey, it was my first time driving a stick shift but oh, did I see my dad mad! Good times and good cheer when I think of the words, "Dipshit, put it in neutral!"

-Lesbian (When I was 8 years old, this was considered a put-down. Now, I look at it with kindness. Yes, I may be a male but I am lesbian so watch my tongue!)

You can kid yourselves all you want but I kind of chuckle to myself of having the term "boyfriend" now. I like the sound of it and I'm guessing I deserve it.

So, what are some of the jobs a boyfriend performs?

-Becoming a chair (This is where your girlfriend sits in your lap when no chair is available. Also has the tendency to give the boyfriend legs that "fall asleep." That happened today.)

-Getting slapped in the head with notebook (Yes, I have an abusive girlfriend that has unusual ways to get my attention. You can also add butt pinching and grabbing my penis with cold hands)

-Security (I walk her to class 2 times a week all while looking around for "suspicious activity.")

-Stripping (It's a major necessity to show girlfriend that you can shake yo' ass better than that rap video you just saw. May end up hurting self but pain is good)

Oh, I could go on but these are some of the basics. Now, I wonder when I earned my title. I'm guessing it was in the 2 week range since I certainly wouldn't consider it on the first date to which I didn't even know it was a date.

Okay, how many have had sex on the first date? Anyone? This will be my third time and I find it oddly amusing to the point that I am wondering if I am just amazingly talkative or I am a male skanky ho.

Audience: (Whisper amongst themselves)

Okay, I remember a time where my past roommate, Joe, went on a date. He had me look him over and decide whether he was "gettin' some" or not. Well, I told Joe that from my experiences that girls don't just jump on a guy in how he looks. It's more of how he expresses himself and makes that girl feel welcome. I know that there are some girls to which a guy's ass is important (just ask so many of my female college friends) but it's also about intuition to which she feels you are a safe person to be with.

Who doesn't get nervous on first dates? Well, me. I know it's crazy but I'm so damn talkative when it's a warm atmosphere that people tend to feel good around me. If I see someone all quiet in the corner, I'll most likely nudge 'em a little and chat. That's not to say that I would go up to everyone since I do have a tendency to have bad feelings about certain people. Vibes are real.

There are certain times that I've become so shy but in a matter of minutes (or beers), I tend to feel more relaxed. A good example is that party for Tuck that consisted of many actual adults. That was my first time seeing people of that age behave like teenagers with beers.

I don't know how to put all of what I am saying. It's just nice being called "boyfriend" since it has a nice wring to it, better than "dipshit."

My only issue is J has a hella lot of homework thanks to it being close to midterms and there is this teeny tiny blown-up issue with her mom, jealousy.

I've never seen this before but J's mom is actually jealous of her. They had a huge fight on Sunday night that I just heard the whole thing today in class. The mom is divorced and a bit lonely without J around at times. You have to add the fact that she is a bit immature in many areas. Don't forget how I have seen J's mom's ass, heard her blow ass, ask whether I "eat pussy," and seen the "gettin' some" dance.

A friend of mine from the gym told me that girls have this issue with their moms when there is a divorce. I was always given the impression that mothers and daughters were so close. Mind you, this was so storybook but turned out to be what I witnessed many times.

Editor: "Hedgehoggy did have a relationship with his high school girlfriend that also involved her fighting quite a bit with the mom due to tennis lessons. Hedgehoggy urged this girl on but she was a bit weak in standing up for herself."

- - 2009-07-07

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