Okay, I know some people will not get the inside joke I am flashing above but it's just that the urge to say that to Sammy was too hard to hold down. We're just two weirdos that happen to know each other.

So, I've had a mucho interesting day here in my bueno life of solitude. My mamma send me off to the market to get fresh pita bread due to my addiction of them for lunch. I'll pour a bit of mozzarella cheese on top and then heat at 49 seconds to a funny looking burrito of melted cheese in my mouth. Of course, we wash it down with water and a side of yogurt (raspberry) that now does not sting thanks to my healed tongue. To some, I may have a weird lunch but not to moi.

Ah but we have an uphill battle ahead, folks! I went into the CD section of this giant grocery store to find a voice that speaks for me. Guns N Roses had a Greatest Hits album out for some time and I gave in to temptation. Yes, mucho love to a voice that I can mimic so easily when I sing along to "Welcome To the Jungle" and "November Rain." I love "Paradise City" but tend to just listen. Don't get me started on "Estranged" and "You Could Be Mine." I do those to the point that I just gotta have a mic to let out my "inner Axl."

It's funny how I can remember where I was at certain times of my life. Remember when I mentioned that I heard about Kurt Cobain's death in which I was in a Taco Bell drive-thru? Well, I remember exactly where I was when Guns N Roses's debut video, "Welcome To the Jungle," played on MTV. My first thought was:

"Holy shit! This guy is either a girl or a guy but whoever IT is, I love the whole fuckin' song! Guitar? Amazing! Song? Something to stomp to! Their looks? Glam but so tough looking at the same time! We have a legend in the making."

When was that? 1988? or 1987? I can't even remember but Guns N Roses had me amazed with how their debut just completely took the world by storm so fast with such great songs. Ever seen other groups have the same impact? Not many because most seem to just worry about having a hook and then adding 11 shitty songs. Is it any wonder why people download?

"With your bitch slap rappin'

and your cocaine tongue

ya' get nothin' done!"

So, if I ever get my frugal ass up to get a CD player for my car, you'll hear Axl's voice bellowing out of it as I drive around. How pathetic am I to just not update my technology? Hey, I do have Don Johnson on tape!!!! Just sing along with Don, baby:

"Heartbeat! Looking for a heartbeeeeat!"

Nothing like seeing a channel known for such well thought out programming devoting itself to the mystery of cleavage, huh? Yeah, I sat there after I made last night's entry with a glass of water to marvel at how we can devote so much time to understand why breasts pushed together can make it look like you just need to put a couple quarters down there.

Breasts are a bit of a mystery to me. I'm not a huge fan of staring at women's chests due to me just seeing them as pecs that just happened to expand outward. For all I care, women can walk around topless. It's the fact that a group of men will stop all they are doing to devote at least 30 minutes to stand around and watch boobs is funny to me.

Yeah, I remember the first time I felt tits. It was that glorious year of summer with my high school sweetheart, Beth. She'd let me stick my hands up her shirt and "tweek" them as if I was trying to change some imaginary station on the radio. Well, it was the only sexual form I was getting since I was not a high believer in having sex before marriage. I was an odd boy, no?

Don't get me wrong. Breasts should never be neglected in sex. They are just begging to be played with and sucked. Wanna know why J laughed hard one night? I belched really loud by accident after sucking on hers. My guess is that I was full.

Just what does a guy do with breasts? Well, in no particular order:

-Obviously we suck on them. Nipples are sensitive and boy do I know this! Mine are, too! You just don't see me asking people to play with them, though.

-We watch them bounce up and down. This is most fun in the "cowgirl sex position." Also see-watching girls run on treadmills."

-Sometimes, we guys just hold them. I don't know why but I guess we just want to make sure our girlfriends' boobs are still there after that trip out to the mall.

I don't know how to explain it all but boobs are just fun. J loved to play with my "pecs" as she called 'em. Yes, she liked to play with them, hold them, and watch them bounce up and down. So, tell me again why women can't run around topless and don't you dare get into that Janet Jackson theory. Damn the FCC!

My favorite boob is small and perky. That's all I need. Since J's were pretty big, I really didn't quite know what to do with them. My past was so used to dealing with small sets that this was a major cup runeth over but all men know what to do with a good form of excess.

So far, I've been sneezing a bit much, watery eyes have been causing havoc, and my love of having 100% of my tongue back to eating yogurt. Gawd, I so wish I had some boobs to play with, though.

- - 2009-07-07

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Retards Away! - 2009-02-16

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My Birthday Happened - 2008-09-07