"It's an experiment."

What this means is that my family and I will be eating something we have never had with the possibility of it all being disastorous. Trust me when I say that I still remember the "Lemon Chicken Incident."

*It was a night where my mom found a recipe of just that. No one liked it, not even I, the biggest chicken eater on the face of this Earth. The late Napolean, one of my past Yorkshire Terriers, would not even eat it as I offered it under the table.*

Yes, Mom still remembers that night of an experiment gone something like the late night horror movie, The Re-animator.

*Thunder crashes*

So, I report with great amusement that a guy has offered his virginity on Ebay. I'm not sure how much it is going for but I *think* I heard "6 dollars" last week. I don't know if this speaks for how pathetic he is for offering his virginity online or how little cash girls have in their piggy banks for deflowering young males. It's another one of life's toss-ups!

This whole virginity offering to the masses online makes me wonder. Just how much would I have for a minimum bid if I was still a virgin and desperate to rid myself of it. I'd definitely start it at 75 cents and a meal that consists of scrambled eggs topped with macaroni and cheese. I'm a sucker when it comes to my stomach so........plus, there might be good conversation as she fixes my last meal before she visits the May Pole.

Well, if you're new to my diary, I lost my virginity at the ripe ol' age of barely 19 to an amazing 29 year old woman named Kristan. Boy, was she ripped in the abs department and had a body that a wee lad like me could not believe he was about to be fucked/sucked til the late, late hours. Gawd, that woman took me under her wing and made me a sweetheart of a lover.

It's funny as a young boy being taught by nuns that we heard all kinds of things out of their mouths:

-"If she wants to have sex with you, she's a whore! Whores belong in hell!" (I am on an express elevator to hell, going down!)

-"If you have sex with a woman, you are having sex with all her past partners." (Hi, Larry, how ya doin'? Excuse me while I place this inside Mary will ya?)

-"Oral sex is wrong because the vagina was not meant to have a tongue in there." (I'm sure all my ex-girlfriends would want to beat the nuns after this statement)

-"Vaginas smell bad and carry germs." (Actually, it's very healthy and quite clean but not all girls remember to wipe.)

You know what the funniest horror story to me as a boy growing up? There was this old tale of a guy that died while going down on his girlfriend. You see, they parked in the woods so that she could lay in the backseat while he was on his knees outside as the backdoor was open. Since the girl was so into having this guy go down on her, she lost control and wrapped her legs around him and wouldn't let go. The poor guy died of suffocation. The sad thing is that I was worried about going down on a girl all because of this tale.

What's so funny about things is that the nuns tried scaring us from sex instead of actually educating us so I had to take matters into my own hands. *No jokes, please.* I would read every book that detailed the female anatomy to learn everything I could about the vagina. I'm one of the few guys in this world that knows girls do not pee out of their vaginas.

My guess is that I did the right thing along with the major tutelage of Kristan when she'd open her legs to show me all the pleasure centers of her own yum-yum. Of course, I paid very close attention to detail.

So, if you are a virgin, I'd recommend really understanding the opposite sex's anatomy. I just didn't want to end up having sex like a porno outtake in which all hell breaks loose and I end up with a very disappointed girl or put my dick in the wrong hole (that was an actual worry, folks and I laugh at it now).

Funny thing is I have no interest in taking a virginity. So many guys want to because of these factors:

-"Tightness" (Each vagina is different in this so I dunno)

-"No one's been there before" (And your point is?)

For me, I prefer a girl with experience and knows what she's doing instead of me having to show her. Doing naked cartwheels gets old.

The other thing on my mind is my worry about going back to school to finish with my other degree. Accounting is the most boring subject that I feel I need to know. You see, I almost graduated with a degree in it but changed my major to Business Management and a minor in Health Studies. I really should own a sex shop, huh?

There is the possibility of running into J on campus or dealing with a really nasty accounting teacher (so many are just bad!) but I'm willing to be optomistic on this. Late night number crunching with some very boring classmates (most business classes carry these people) make a very tired Hedgehoggy.

So, I hope my moronic thoughts amused you for now.

- - 2009-07-07

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