My world? I pulled into my gym's parking lot, right in front of the Spin teacher's car. He, too, was just getting out as our eyes met. The funny thing was that the Spin guy then tells me that I just have a look of complete anger on my face. I just laughed it off but I'm guessing that my emotions do tend to get the best of me.

I'm tired. Dog tired and numb to the point that nothing can hurt me now. People have given me the cold shoulder once too often and now I just want to be left alone. That Bookstore Girl I talked about not too long ago? She got after me for asking how her weekend went when I got back from Bald-O's. Scrapbook Girl I am done with due to her repeated desire to be so snobby. Plus, I found out she's into Christianity and I just don't get along with those types that have to base their lives around something to keep from feeling empty all while telling me I will burn in hell for having fun.

Kim, my gym pal and great friend throughout this retched summer, commented on my facial expressions as well.

"You look dead."

Again, I laugh. Does it really show that much? All this numbness I have accumulated from people putting words in my mouth or taking things out of context has had me wondering if anyone even cares how I actually feel. My parents have no clue that I am depressed since these are two people I can hide from easily with all that practice as a small child. Friends are a different matter.

I'll tell you this. In the gym, I feel so powerful once I get my groove on in the workout. The blood is flowing and my face slowly begins to feel full of life. People will come up to me for a chat and I'll laugh at how Derrick will show me what he's learned in sign language. Harry will spot me on the benchpress. Christopher will discuss whatever work has brought him. Of course, Kim will proceed to ask how I feel since my face shows that I'm a dead man walking til I've been in the gym for 10 minutes.

However, it's when I walk out of the gym that I go back to walking into death. This is the reason I don't want to leave since there are times where I would love to have a car come out of nowhere and complete demolish me. There would be no pain since I'm numb.

Tonight was a little different. A sentence got my attention that has not been asked to me for so long:

"What is your name?"

It caught me offguard since most people that ask this are guys and then we shake hands. This time it was a girl that has moved here for a job and is so new to my town.

I'm usually the goofiest shit you'll see once I get blood flowing in me. However, the fact that someone wants to know me once again has me withdraw. I'm afraid of losing someone due to small issues or wasting my time. Many of my friends have left me, as it goes each summer.

-Nick, my gay friend and overall "Thriller" dancer, is missed. It was so funny hearing him tell me which guys he'd do in my gym. Can you believe that 2 guys in the gym would dance off from opposite sides? Nick was one of them. Guess who the other idiot was.

-Yeah, I miss Elizabeth but I'm not going to dwell on it. She'll be back with much to discuss.

So, I get smiled at by this tiny 22 year old girl and I withdraw? We'll see since I'm so numb that I only talk with the people I've known for so long. Just a matter of time til my need for this will disappear.

Even when Blockbuser Girl announced to me this afternoon, that I haven't been in to the store for so long, I was in no mood to get into my usual discussion with her. Me not going at it with a cute red headed girl!?! I'm slowly turning gay but with no feelings!

I don't know how to say this but I've felt so alone today but I'm happy at the same time. No more having to deal with shit that I should have ignored in the first place. No more being called names over things I didn't do. To some, I am an "ass" or far worse since I am hated in my gym by 2 arrogant fucks named Mike and Nick but to me, I'm just numb.

Yeah, I'm still in this Jenna Jameson book that I will soon finish. I've gotta credit her for helping me a bit in my need to be alone and how I just don't want anyone to see how depressed I really am. It's pointless since I'm always placed on the "deal with later" portion of things. You get used to it while it builds you up with a thicker skin but the first period is a real bitch to get through. It also helps when having to deal with people that forgot your birthday or to keep up with promises.

- - 2009-07-07

Love Facebook - 2009-05-07

Retards Away! - 2009-02-16

Jackasses! I Sees 'Em! - 2008-11-28

My Birthday Happened - 2008-09-07