And then there are the people that actually think..........sorta.

I'm fine. Really, really calm is what I am describing myself as. There is nothing in the possibility of anger or issues since I'm still numb. Too much of a build-up in things and I will walk away. Just picture me whistling to myself (actually, I can't even whistle in real life! Seriously.) as I turn my back towards you.

No one has seen me yell, spit, or in a rage. All of my battles are fought within myself that I've seen so many conclusions in which I wouldn't know which is good for me. Don't do this at home because it causes headaches and the need to stand out on the outside deck to look up into the soft wind.

Hicks: "Outstanding. Now, all we need is a deck of cards."

I'm sorry to all that have to read my depressing drivel but this is my diary. I release what I feel and what I think. Some may be offended and others are simply baffled at how I come up with such weird demented shit. It's my head and I never felt comfortable with the most popular crowd in my high school because I just get bored with a Gap crowd.

Editor: "That would explain the girl in college that said you bashed the bible when all you did was question people's beliefs that homosexuality was an evil declared to be found in there."

The strangest thing has been going on within me as I've seen it happen in the gym. I'm stronger with all this energy projected from my self hatred. I can lift more weight and last for a longer period of time that I feel high. C'mon, piss me off! I'll go to the gym and dream lifting you high in the air as I bicep curl 150 pounds.

Tamerah: "You's a big boy!"

I'm not tootin' my own horn because I was a monster, once again. 5 more pounds than yesterday in bicep curls put a temporary smile on my face. It's deep within that I ache.

I did have the small worry about my grandpa going through surgery to replace his pacemaker with a new one. Came out fine and was awake through the whole procedure.

I wish I had gone with my mom to see my grandpa but also to get a load of my theiving cousins. A portion of me would love for one of them to pick a fight with my mother and then I get a chance to test my new strength by breaking a bone or 2. These people, my mom's cousins, I despise more than just about anyone in my fucked up family relatives. Taking advantage of my grandparents, no matter how mean they are, is a big no-no.

That 16 year old girl was in the gym tonight. Not surprisingly, every guy stared at her body but I can honestly say I looked at her eyes. She's nice and I feel sorry for her that she hates her body a lot. I mean, it is a fantastic look she has, toned in all the right areas. I'm even surprised that she isn't in any sports.

We're slowly bonding in the gym. This 16 year old hates her body and I hate myself. I'll help pep her up and she sends many smiles my way that have bear no evil. It's even gotten to the point that I really hate it when guys make comments on what they would do with her. Most don't know this girl's only 16.

I don't know what else to say. I'm pretty much lost even if everyone else is moving around me. Jody, one of my gym partners, lost a parent this week. He's been all fucked up to the point that Jody's not his usual self where we tease each other on how stupid we can be.

You know what the weirdest thing is? I've noticed how so many people read my diary when I am going through a depression. A part of me is wondering whether you, as a reader, are laughing at me or in the words of Goodfellas, "I'm just a fuckin' clown." Do I even get through to you what I am saying? I'm always confused since there aren't many diary entries that I can honestly say, "That was everything I felt."

Jenna Jameson had a really big issue on what was wrong with her dealings with men in her life. Trust. I have a hard time with this on anyone since I have been so bombarded with lies my whole life. Hardly anyone that I could trust stayed with me all thanks to drug problems or some personal issues. There hasn't been one person in this town that I've sat down with for a good long 3 hour conversation in which I could let it all out. That's kind of friend is better than winning the lottery.

So, I am outta here to sleep little (part of depression) and throw myself out of bed to face another day. At least, I can be proud of myself for cleaning up after 5 dogs, running an errand for Dad, and not losing my calmness.

- - 2009-07-07

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Retards Away! - 2009-02-16

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