Apparently, I do not have enough guy mannerisms or I'm just plain missing things that I hear other guys do. According to this one woman, all guys enjoy sticking their hands down their pants and then smelling them. What!?! For the life of me, I've never ever thought of doing that. I lift weights, cuss, drink beer, play sports, and have never worn a dress (anything's possible, these days). Now, I find out that I am missing out on sniffing my ass?

This may sound stupid but I'm sure people would expect me to stick my hands down my own pants and then smell them. It's all thanks to my goofy behavior but I'm too boring, I guess. I'm sure Bald-O, Mark, and all the guys down south do this but not me.

Bald-O: "Hey, Tuck, does your ass smell okay?"

Tuck: *Sticks hands down pants and brings them up to inhale* "All system's go!"

My guess is that there are certain mannerisms I do not want to take part in. I know for a fact that I am one of the few guys that do not fart in front of women. Strange but true. Mark would fart after sex with his girlfriend and then sit on her hand. The relationship lasted a couple years. My longest relationship was somewhat close to a year. Again, I am missing something.

What I'm gettin' at is that I don't know if I have enough testosterone or what but I'm more comfortable talking to women. Tonight, I saw Nick (that asshole) and a squad of guys that would get in a circle and talk about sports or whatever the hell it was. I'd rather gossip.

*Slaps head*

I feel awful about my desire to talk about Hollywood and life's little travesties that make me want to stay in bed. Look, I know who Donovan McNabb is along with many other sports stars thanks to that tiny bit of testosterone I have to force myself to conjure up. It's just that I'm only into watching or talking about sports when it seems to matter. I'm hoping that someone out there will coach me into farting more and making really weird grunting noises. Apparently, Bald-O and I wearing beer helmets is not enough.

Ran into Jason (a college friend and bald guy that gay guys want and girls want to lick) at the bookstore. I haven't seen him in a while due to his shoulder injury and his new job. What had me laugh was Jason's comment:

"I shoulda known that was you. Look at those tits!"

Gawd, I get it all the time about my overgrown pectoralis major muscle but it's just us guys in how we flatter each other. They are 100% real thanks to years and years of benchpressing. I've learned in life that girls like to squeeze, too.

So, Jason and I stood there to discuss what has happened in the time we have not seen each other. He's got an apartment and crawling back to an ex-girlfriend (the good one) and I'm a tad bit jealous since she's full of humor, wicked humor. You don't have to hold back when Jason's ex-girlfriend comes over.

What's funny was talking to Jason as his eyes would dart around the parking lot all thanks to sorority girls walking by. Parents bring their daughters the day before to get what is needed for a good education? I'm hoping that "How To Make Love Like A Porn Star" by Jenna Jameson is included since all girls should know how to tame penises.

It's tempting to dwell on the topic of porn, once again. Either that or what I learned from reading "How To...." since there were so many little things that some would call "too much information." I don't care what these boring people think since life is too short and sex is pretty damn natural. Just how did you get here?

Ya know what? I hate the lines in college bookstores. Being the dumbass I am, I went to get my books when I really should not have. The line was all around the store so I had to stand there with sweat streaming down my face thanks to an already abundance of heat from walking through the parking lot.

The cops were all around the store and I know why. Have you seen the prices for school books lately!?! Holy shit!!! I paid $99.46 for 2 books to just this one accounting class and they aren't even hardback, just workbook-like. Imagine if I had a full load of classes, I'd have held the store up.

"Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention? I'm just gonna have to say that I'm mad as hell and aint gonna take it anymore. I cannot stick my hands down my own pants to smell 'em but I can damn well wield a bow so if y'all will be so kind, I'd like to leave with these books. If they wanna rip us off, I'm gonna rip them some new assholes so that Fred *points to really, really obese guy* will have his way with 'em. Yessirree, Fred's been lookin' for some lovin' on the other side of the fence and I just want to get an education."

- - 2009-07-07

Love Facebook - 2009-05-07

Retards Away! - 2009-02-16

Jackasses! I Sees 'Em! - 2008-11-28

My Birthday Happened - 2008-09-07