*Violins and string music accompanyment followed by some very heavy bass!*

It was a date of September 6th that will forever be known as the day a little Hedghoggy was born at 7 pounds and 6 ounces into the world. With a wild eyed wonder and need to fulfill a destiny bestowed unto him, he grew at an alarming rate to rid evil doers wherever they may be!

Wearing some sexy Underoos of his favorite comic book characters for underwear on his tiny butt as well as on his head, Hedgehoggy began his adventures into the world of Private Catholic School. Lies were filled into his head thanks to nuns and the havoc they brought.

"Women that want to have sex with you are nothing but whores! Whores!"

Not realizing it at the time, Hedgehoggy began to listen to these lies and even follow some of them. Sex should be saved for marriage. Drinking leads to a parched and demented Hedgehoggy. Drugs will make you have conversations with pink elephants and the clowns will all laugh at you. Geez, maybe Catholic school is kinda fun, huh?

Luckily, Hedgehoggy was saved all due to a set of railroad tracks that he was allowed to cross once he got old enough to know that strangers may want to do more than "give him candy." Yup, they also had pop and free rides in Camaros all just for a jumpstart in porn. Hedgehoggy knew that from seeing too many afterschool specials that this was not the life for him. Dirk Diggler had his calling and Hedgehoggy had his own to deal with.

With his 2 best friends in tow, Chet and Mikey, Hedgehoggy would scour the local Walgreens, Osco, and Kmart for whatever things his private school deemed as evil. All bloated up on pop, candy, and G.I.Joes figurines had this little critter puckered out in a life of madness. Nope. No sitting at home reading the bible was gonna do it for Hedgie, baby.

After all the times of livin' life pretty hard by playin' outside til the front porch light went off, Hedgehoggy could be found living a life of swords and saving fair maidens thanks to reading Lloyd Alexander books and being the math genius that all the other 3rd Graders were impressed with. All prodigies need a rival and his was Mark.

Editor: "Well, Mark did much better than Hedgehoggy later on in life but I don't think Hedgie wants y'all to know th...*sounds of a scuffle and then strangling*

At the lovely age of 9 or 10 (we never paid attention to age), Hedgehoggy received his first kiss from a girl by the name of Veronica. Yup, that girl he met on the soccer field and would soon come up to kick him in the side was the one for him! Hedgehoggy always loved a woman that asserted herself well. That, and he needed a good ass kicking thanks to a foul mouth but that's between you and me, folks.

It was a full on kiss on the lips as Hedgehoggy's lips touched Veronica's all in her backyard. It was a beautiful wedding display in which he was forced to "marry" Veronica as Jasmine (Veronica's sister) held some of Hedgehoggy's friends captive with the threat of the garden hose being turned on them. Chet was forced to read from the bible but can barely figure out all those tough words at such a young age that "And now you may kiss the bride" would suffice.

It was heaven as Hedgehoggy's lips touched this girl's! Well, I'm sure Veronica had cooties but he didn't seem to mind. 2 kisses and then Hedgehoggy and the boys escaped while being chased by Veronica and her girls.

Yes, Hedgehoggy is still married since he was never served with divorce papers from Veronica but anything at the age of 10 or so is fair game. Perhaps there is a swinger within but I doubt it.

So, once private school ended after dealing with a nun that wanted our hero expelled and spent much time in the principal's office *snicker snicker*, Hedgehoggy shipped off to high school and found himself in love! No uniforms! Holy shit! Hedgehoggy got to wear t-shirts and jeans or even shorts!

All this love was short lived since Hedgehoggy was still stuck in that trance sent out by mean old nuns.

Nuns: "Women are whores! Look away! Look away!"

So, needless to say, Hedgehoggy did not have sex all through high school even though his high school sweetheart purred for loving on her waterbed. Think life is hard? Try going home with a swollen dick while a girl is constantly telling you to make love to her like the monkey you truly are but the nuns continue to haunt Hedgehoggy's mind.

High school was fun and Hedgehoggy enjoyed watching his ex-girlfriend play tennis in her cute little skirt but the tiniest portion of this ass made many conversations with his penis apparent.

"Stay down, dammit!"

Would you also believe that our hero only had 3 or 4 beers all throughout high school? Geez, that Just Say No campaign really works! At least, the high school band members were understanding of Hedgehoggy's goody-goody ways.

It was the graduation of high school that brought about a major change, a change that will forever make Hedgehoggy that sweet man he is today.

A woman Hedgehoggy met in the gym would take something that he would never get back. Oh, do I need to spell it out? Hedehoggy made sweet, sweet love to Kristan at the tender age of 19. What made it really weird is that she was 29 but the things she taught our hero will forever have his girlfriends saying:

"Wow! Holy bat-fucks, Hedgie! I got a massive tingle and it's all because of you!"

*30% of women have never experienced orgasm*

Men everywhere: "Women get orgasms!?!"

The week started with a massive dose of oral sex in which Kristan whipped off Hedgehoggy's pants and would not allow his dick out of her mouth, swallowing every drop. 3 times on the first night and just the sighto his bare bottom outside in subzero weather as this woman is on her knees in the doorway shows how love was in full bloom. This was Tuesday. The cherry popping was marked on the calendar for Friday.

Oral sex! Oral sex in which Kristan and Hedgehoggy were out of control. Her panties were always off and Hedgehoggy suddenly had to start looking all over the place for his Calvins with the occasional cold nose in his ass thanks to Kristan's dog. Friday was looming on the horizon...........

That day will forever be embedded in my mind as Hedgehoggy lost his virginity to the ONLY woman he fell completely in love with. He checked himself in the mirror as Kristan lay on the bed naked in the room nearby. She rode him for 6 orgasms but Hedgehoggy forgot how to cum. 43 minutes later and he finally spilled all he had into Kristan.

Editor: "The clock was right next to the bed so.......damn that little fucker is strong."

It was the best 5 months of Hedgehogg's life in which the only arguments with Kristan were on where his penis was going. Mouth or vagina? She wanted to orally do Hedgehoggy but he wanted her to cum at the same time. Gawd, why was this even an issue but Hedgehoggy and Kristan needed something to argue about before she moved away to get her PhD.

College life was an eye opener for Hedgehoggy as he was introduced to the wonderful world of beer thanks to a shaved head bastard named "Bald-O." They became fast friends thanks to wild parties in which Hedgehoggy found his inner wild animal and began to dance to Britney Spears's songs (scary, I know) with a twinkle in his eye.

Nights of drunken sprees found our hero downing soy sauce by accident and the next day hangin' around the can as his roomates peed. Late nights of betting on who is the best at Bond on the N64 that got out of control. Hedgehoggy was the best and almost made Bald-O cry.

Somehow, in all the confusing times of really wanting to wear a dress and run down halls chanting old 80's soft rock hits, Hedgehoggy had sex with girls in his coed dorm and gathered many delicious sex tales to come. Who said it's just guys that are kinky? Kristan taught Hedgehoggy well as to the rules of the bedroom.

Just how the hell did Hedgehoggy graduate from college? Well, he sure as hell is surprised as well since he took more than just his electives but also Women's History and Food Service classes to satisfy his curiousity of everything. Guess who had a great time in Women's History with being the only male while the rest of his classmates made up 27 females. Whoo!

And now Hedgehoggy is still here all due to a strugglig economy and many incidents of life hitting him. His grandma's alzheimer's was the biggest issue that has shaken up this once stable family and continues to cause issues. There are other things but loyal readers already know what happened to his life.

So, that is my story in as small form as possible since I've had a blast more often than the bad times. I'm heading on down south tomorrow afternoon to hang with my college drinking best friend for life, Bald-O. I've spoken of this guy many times so it's nothing new to ya. I'm sure Bald-O has many things planned all because it's one of the few birthdays I've ever spent with him. All the more reason to drink some more and wear our beer hats to talk shit thanks to being born this coming Monday.

So, to all of you, have a great weekend and I will come back to pick up on your lives thanks to Diaryland. Kisses and hugs to Sammy, Alison, Sara, Maria, and all of those that have been with me through thick and thin with an open mind to understanding this fucked up male mind.

Announcer: "Birthday boy has left the building!"

- - 2009-07-07

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