This has to be one of the weirdest but also a downer of a day. It all starts off with me turning in the application for a management position to work with people of disabilities (my sign language skills are gonna be, like, so cool!). I was a bit miffed that I didn't get to see the director but to turn it in to the secretary instead. Yeah, I dressed pretty nice for nothing.

The next part of my day was to go to my old job for an interview. It wasn't exactly an "interview" but more like 3 idiotic guys sitting around talking about old times when we worked together. Naturally, I wasn't nervous since I've lightly kept in touch with them by running into them here and there. Like I said before, people that worked with me at past jobs, always get happy to see me again.

I'm not sure why I was slightly annoyed when my old boss asked me if I still work out. I mean, it's just a simple question, right? It's probably why I feel as if people base me on my body but that's another issue for a future time, folks.

My problem happened later on. I ran into Sarah at the gym...........again. It's weird seeing her 3 days in a row but I considered it luck since the sight of her peps me up and makes me all hyper. Yeah, girls can really get us guys acting all goofy and stuff.

What happened was that Sarah practically ignored me and this pretty much made me feel all sad n' stuff. Okay, wrong wording to be sounding like a little kid but I was pretty down through most of my workout in that I began to think of myself as not worth talking to or even giving the time of day. Sarah smiled and all that but it was almost like it's no big deal that I was there and I could have just dropped dead and she'd walk on by.

What the hell has happened to me!?! I used to be sought after in college by girls all the time. There was Jen, M, B, B2, and so on. I used to get hit on a lot after my first years of college in my hometown but nothing now. Not a damn thing! I swear that I feel as if I got slapped with the ugly stick and it makes me feel as if I'm not worth dating. I've known my town to be extremely snobbish but this is ridiculous!

I know Sarah is busy and all but I've always given myself to others when I've felt like my body has been pulled in different directions. I'm not trying to toot my horn but it's true and Kristan really meant it when she called me "passionate" in that I think with my heart as well as my head.

Editor: "Now, John Kerry looks better than you! I'll bet Ralph Nader can get more tail as well."

I don't know how to explain it but it could be on the way I look. Remember that girl I mentioned that stared at my arms and chest while I talked to her? My ex-girlfriend, J, told me that I am very intimidating in my appearance. She thought I was going to be some stuck up jock that would make fun of her. Should I just get fat now? I'm just in a confused state that I am keeping hidden within and it's making me not want to go to this job fair that my mother is insisting I go. With no belief in myself, I don't see a point.

There was a feeling within me that something is off when it comes to Sarah, anyway. I can't place it but there is a possibility of anorexica and since I, too, had an eating disorder....

Editor: "He's had just about everything, folks. Hedgehoggy's a real carrier of fucked up issues."

....I know that it fucks with your head in that you worry about that other person's eating habits becoming your own. Anorexics don't want to be with those that enjoy an actual meal instead of 2 Saltines and a grape. I've never gone that far but I did fuck up my inner system when I ate very little in high school to get more defined.

So, I guess I'm going to have to stop thinking of those big brown eyes and just face the fact that there is no one out there that can handle me. Besides, I seem to attract the psychos and those that desire to control me. Oh, add the fact that a lot of the girls I meet seem to make bigger issues out of nothing. I don't stick around for that shit.

Now, I'm a bit worried since I leave on Friday night to attend this annual college get together with my ex-roommates and friends. Most of us graduated and want to see each other again after all those good times and bad times. Let me tell ya, if you find a person that is willing to get your soft contacts out of your eyes after drinking more beer bongs (they secretly put rum in them) than you can handle, that person is a keeper for life. It's amazing that I didn't die but the funniest thing was that I had no hangover and went home fine at 9am the next day.

Angel on left shoulder: "Oh, you should have seen him! Hedgehoggy was the worst he has ever been that night of his birthday. 6 times he puked and then wondered why it always involves peas and carrots that come up."

It's weird to me since all of these people that have known me in ups and downs have never left me. We've done it all, fight, cry, gotten really drunk, and even jumped into a freezing pool at 4am together. I've even seen Amanda's thongs and endured crazy dances on the dance floor with me acting like a stripper. Okay, sometimes, I get a little too out there but I'm me.

I envy some people just entering college in that they will hopefully find the people or group they will always be with even after school ends. My group started with The Boys Of Company C now known as The Scooby Gang. What's yours?

I bid all a goodnight. I'm just a bit too down to do my usual commenting on the stupidity of the world since I don't deem myself worthy of even existing at the moment. Like that song from the Donnie Darko soundtrack said, "It's a mad world." Goodnight.

- - 2009-07-07

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