-Corey Hart

Nothin' like a good tune from the 80's to start out an entry. Okay, maybe it's just me that actually loves to get into his ripped jeans, white button down, and some old Guess sunglasses to sit in his room. Choosy Mike chooses the "fun" in dysfuncional.

So, it was once again another stand up and cheer moment in The Land Of Hog. David Ortiz hits a single to score a Red Sox run and so it endeth in the 14th inning, baby. I am so fucking amazed at how I, quite a suttle boy when it comes to sports, shouted out some yeahs and more yeahs. Go Sox and defeat the Evil Empire of that is Yankees. Less than 21 hours til the next game........

Here in Illinois, it is just another rainy very cold day for the 5th or 6th day in a row. Now, I love this time of year but I hate the constant rain that has prevented the usual doofiness that comes out on this show'r of personality. None of the usual dance moves as I walk down the sidewalk but more of shivering while holding my red A&F hoodie closer.

They should designate days like this as staying in bed days with orange juice and a good book. I'm sure those people that are stuck handcuffed to bedposts tonight would agree since their supposed lovers left them there while their wallets or purses were confiscated. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Ya know what? I've never been tied up or handcuffed since I just gotta use my hands. Enough info! On with the show!

Okay, I go to the gym in case you don't know me. I'm a regular artist in ridding myself of the fattening food that somehow ends up in me since I just love cheese. If I lived in Wisconsin, you know that I'd wear a giant cheese hat with pride while people mock or stare at me in complete disbelief that I've gone from loving mozarella to cheddar.

Well, I ran into my girls as usual. Sarah and Brianne were there for my usual amusement of that is with me. Weird sentence? I agree! Anyway, Brianne was in there at exactly my time so somehow out of all those mirrors I was able to hug her out of nowhere. Joy hit me when she tells me that she's mad at that black guy with braids that she's been trying to bump uglies with.

Well, I thought to myself that it was a good thing that Brianne realizes that this guy is a fucking asshole but no! She's mad because he won't ditch the girlfriend more easily.

Bear with me here. This is where I scratch my head and wonder why a 16 year old is trying to fuck some older guy with a girlfriend (she's nice and cute) and sees it as him being the problem. Girls are so weird. It was quite amusing to watch this guy get himself out of the doghouse by coming up to Brianne to get some love. Blech.

I am as confused as you are so I just decided to make faces at her while this guy keeps trying to work his way back. Gawd, why do girls like bad boys so much and why is Brianne now trying to get close with me again?

Editor: "Cuz you gots like the Force or something mixed in with the power of Greyskull thanks to all those times watching He-Man cartoons with Froot Loops."

What I did find amusing while sitting there working on my deltoids was seeing Brianne get hit on again and again and again. Geez, this girl cannot walk anywhere without some guy trying to talk her out of her pants. I'm also telling you that 30 year olds and 40 year olds with wives are trying as well. Apparently, some forget their marriage vows.

Anyway, I asked Brianne what music is the best to have sex to and this question had her shocked because she said she had never thought of it. Now, I know she's 16 but you have to remember that this girl started knockin' boots at 14 so.......

Editor: "Are you sure that you're white or are you just watchin' too much BET or somethin'?"

Now, I've only had sex to 1 session of music and I do know for a fact that I lost my virginity to the song "Eternal Flame" by The Bangles. Shut up. The funny thing is that Kristan hated that song but it accidently played due to her mistake in the CD player's memory set-up. I'm pretty sure "Hazy Shade Of Winter" was supposed to be playing but should Kristan be riding me to heavy guitar or the softness of Sussana Hoffs voice?

If I were to pick, I'd go for a little somethin' special. No Pebo Bryson or Marvin Gaye shit. No Celine Dion or Michael Bolton. No BET's "Midnight Love." Well, I could do some naked cartwheels to Def Lepard since "Hysteria" does make me want to move around the room thanks to that weird video they made to it where all these old people are slow dancing but that's just me.

My super special song playing will be none other than Sade. Ever heard her? Oh, Sade is fantastic! There's so many songs that just ooze sex that the socks are the only thing allowed on since you may have left cereal on the floor by accident (Froot Loops!). My favorites are "Smooth Operator," "Your Love Is King." and "Sweetest Taboo."

Sade: "Your love is king. Crown you with my heart."

I just love Sade to death and am happy with my complete collection that when I get my own place soon, I'll be playin' that while jigglin' my weiner to the beat. Some Miami Sound Machine would wear it out. Gawd, I am so 80's.

Some songs that played during the sex sessions at Kristan's house:

-Aerosmith's "Janie's Got A Gun." (I know. I laugh as well but good song.)

-Yes's "Owner Of A Lonely Heart." (The heavy guitar part is where you really embarass yourself by doing air guitar and then jumping up and down on the bed only to realize how stupid you look as she runs out of the room or you slip on the Astro Glide.....again.)

Other than that, I'm supposed to hit the downtown bars on occasional weekends to somehow find myself. Kevin, that guy I used to chase around the playground when I was in 3rd Grade, wants to hang with Da Hog. That way I have an excuse to see The Suicide Girls and any burlesque show put on by women not afraid to get a little rowdy, the ones that venture without cell-phones and roll their own tampons. I could use the adventures.

The one thing that concerns me is that Kevin has the cutest little girl. Oh, she's a drama queen when she visits the gym thanks to him not being able to find a babysitter. The tiniest little knock on the head sends her in so many tears. Was I even like that? Well, at least, Kevin is up at an hour that she's asleep and all snug in her bed.

I'm thinking that even if I am not big on having kids that I'd be a good dad for one thing: Story Time. Oh, if you can see my facial expressions of the things I've discussed, you'd see why. There are the times where I do send people out of the room with their jaws dropped, namely my explanation on why J insisted I cum on her tits or when I was forced to be kissed by my male roommate on a dare from a long night of Truth Or Dare. That's just between you and me, k?

I'd do the ducky sounds along with the cow's mooing or end up with a major debate on whether the farmer should use a "twuck" or "twaktor" to run over that mean ol' sheriff that doesn't believe in that secret stash that helps everyone mellow out. I think children's stories should have endings that make you think.

If you want to know my favorite all time children's story it's "Rikki Tikki Tavi" or "The mongoose and the cobra." I saw it in the local library as a cartoon movie and I was in awe. No Barenstein Bears for me since I was more on the edge when it comes to my stories. This one was from India and involved a cobra trying to get into the house but our hero, Rikki Tikki Tavi, helps save the day! We learn that rodents are good while snakes are bad but nobody got run over since the "green stuff" is probably legal there.

Anyway, I probably sound like I am a little loopy right now but I'm just so happy that the Red Sox won. I just hope I made sense in this entry and that someone out there is having sex to Sade's music thanks to my recommendation. Bedtime it is and will someone tell me a story? Goodnight.

- - 2009-07-07

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