I'm just dying from laughing so hard during VH1's "My First Time" show. Let's see, they've had segments on "Dirty Hippies" and all kinds of things relating to a celebritiy's life way back then. I know I should have been studying for my Final but there were so many things that just had me put down my bank statement papers and watch as embarassing moments were made known.

My Firsts:

-My first kiss was around 8 or 9. However, I was kissed on the cheek a lot by older girls that took us young 'uns to the lunch room. I'm not sure what it was, the bowl shaped hair cut or the facial expressions I made when girls got out of control with their lips. 8th Grade girls didn't have cooties. Since I'm alive, I can vouch for that.

My first real kiss was thanks to a girl named Veronica B. What a woman! Veronica played in the local soccer league as did I but on the opposing team. Let me tell ya that a girl that will kick me in the stomach after I've fallen is a real keeper! Whoo! I'm guessing that I fell in love with women that have some real toughness because all girls since then that I'd sleep with think for themselves.

Well, to make a long story short (the full story is under "My First Kiss" somewhere in my archives), I was forced to "marry" Veronica in her backyard under extreme force. Okay, if you call the backyard hose aimed directly at you by Veronica's sister, Jasmine, as "extreme force" than we are so right on.

Yeah, I kissed Veronica and loved it but since my friends, Mikey and Chet, were at this wedding, I had to pretend I didn't enjoy it. After so many years, I'm still loving those tough girls.

-My first real boner. The sight of a Playboy Magazine on my dad's desk got me curious but raised many new issues within. "Why was the sight of a woman raising her dress to show a patch of hair so damn great?" "What the hell is going on with my dick?" "When will the swelling go down?" "Maybe I should just scoot on my rear when my mother comes by."

Gawd, I still laugh at my first real sight of a Playboy issue. I seriously did not understand why I enjoyed seeing naked women but at some point boobs lost their appeal and I focused more on ass and bush. It's rare that I enjoy seeing a completely bald vagina.

-Touching A Boob. This is the area I look back at and laugh the most. Beth and I would sit in her car for a bit to talk. At some point, my hand would be up her shirt just lightly rubbing her nipples or cupping some major boobage. I still find it funny how Beth would talk and all I would do was say, "Uh-huh, yeah...." while not knowing a word she was saying. The male mind in me was screaming: "I'm holding some tit! Hooray for boobies!"

-My first fingering. Easy. Beth, my high school sweetheart was the recipient of my digits. We'd spend some afternoons laying on the hill in which she was on top of me. I'd slowly ease my hands down the back of her jeans and find myself inside some cotton panties. Now, this is where it gets difficult. Me knowing that the female anatomy poops had to adjust those fingers to getting around the asshole so I could only lightly touch that pink yum-yum.

Of course, Kristan was my first real fingering in which I inserted them. Whoa! It was so slick and wet inside there that I kept wanting to put my fingers deeper and deeper. One time, I just stared at my fingers to see all this sticky clear substance dripping down. That, my friends, is when I figured out that fingers go in my mouth.

-My First Blowjob. Obviously, it was Kristan since I had the complete smarts (or stupidity) to turn down Beth when she asked to fuck. Somewhere in those turbulent times of Catholic school, we were told that any woman that asks for sex is a "whore." Nuns were so cruel.

It was so weird to me to find Kristan practically molesting me as I lay there on the couch. My jeans were unbuttoned, unzipped, and Calvins pulled down. Oh, the warmth of Kristan's mouth all over my cock drove me mad. The scary thing was that I was so scared of accidently peeing in her mouth but I've since figured out how my dick works. Got blown 3 times that first night because Kristan didn't want me to leave hard. You see, she kissed me goodbye and as I was feeling her up, I got wood again. Picture a guy's naked ass halfway out the front door while a woman is on her knees all while it is the middle of December and you get the idea. Going home, I was smiling the whole way.

-My First Giving Oral Sex. Oh, man! Everyone on Diaryland knows my fucked up obsession on giving. The first time I ever licked a girl down there was obviously......Kristan....again. Anyway, I found it so strange as my head traveled down between her legs after some major heavy petting earlier. My first thought was to enjoy the view of that pink set of lips surrounded by some hair. The sad thing is that my first time sucked because I was so not used to the smell down there. The vagina's is a bit strong but once I get used to it, I love it. It's a good thing my tongue is strong and fast because I'm destined to be down there for a while. I'm such a dirty monkey for being a major clit licker, according to my friends. Actually, if they knew more, they'd call me "absolutely filthy." Go me.

-The Deed. Oh, I lost it on a Friday night. That date will be forever embedded in my memory. A little Walt Disney's Beauty And the Beast and The Bangles' "Eternal Flame" played as I finally got to experience being inside that pink wound that I had fingered previously.

Yeah, losing my virginity was fun but I was completely nervous. I remember staring into the bathroom mirror while Kristan lay on the bed completely naked next to a fire in the fireplace thinking this is it. There was no going back and I made the right choice. Not only did I lose it but learned a hell of a lot about the female anatomy in the process. Where else can a guy find a beautiful woman willing to spread her legs to teach him how to pleasure a woman? Fuck the back of a car! I love learning the important things in life like sex and how many times I have to pee after 13 beers.

It's funny how I can look back at how nervous I was through all these events. Kissing isn't scary. Fingering is in the words of Spicolli of Fast Times At Ridgemont High: "Totally awesome!" Sex is a great moment to show someone how you feel whether it's a friend or lover. It's also relaxing.

Well, I'm sure you'd all rather me sign off now since there is no way I need to get into last night's work experiences of having to smell my stinky co-worker, Jon's, major BO. I can smell that fucker 2 aisles away and I am shocked that this is allowed. You can always tell the time by how bad it gets.

Me: "Well, it's 2am, Mark."

Mark: "How do you know this?"

Me: "I can smell Jon about 4 aisles now."

Both: *Laughing*

- - 2009-07-07

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