-A Christmas Story

As much as I'd wish to tell you a great tale of finishing work early (if you qualify "2:33am" as early) or where a goth woman, completely in black and wearing a Texas Chainsaw Massacre t-shirt, decides to tell me her desires of being tied up and having an awesome vibrator.....

Editor: "You are the warmest mo'fo' out there, Hedgehoggy! People love you. Strangers tell you everything. Bosses adore your weird conversations and you aren't afraid of telling life's little cuteness in faults."

I'm sick. Yeah, we've heard it all before but I am seriously shivering all while wearing a long sleeved button down over a t-shirt topped by a hoodie that is so soft. My metabolism is off the charts what with 6 pounds lost and the need to pee every 20 minutes. Just how many times do I need to unizip in one day?

However, I do not let things like a mild cold let me down. Nosirree, I'm in life's grand clutches of seeing the good in all. Sure makes things easier in dealing with a love of memories.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I was a cute little lad that always had his cheeks pinched and kissed by those sexy little 5th Grade girls. I'm not sure what it was these girls were looking at, my bowl-cut hairstyle or little meaty ass from playing tag with the local kids.

Christmas, to me, was a time at the age of 8 in which I'd wake up around 3am to put together whatever toys had suddenly appeared underneath the Christmas tree. Gawd, I was spoiled even though my parents weren't making quite as much money back then. I'll never forget that I was always well thought of, even if I was a greedy little pudge.

Mom would suddenly appear in my doorway with a look on her face that meant business. It seems my banging and grunting all while putting my G.I.Joe figure vehicles woke her up......a lot. I tried each year to be as sneaky as possible by not turning on lights (ended up crashing into things which makes dogs bark) or shutting the door (a boy has to pee at this hour so my footsteps and door's creaking wakes up even a hibernating bear). Nothing worked since I knew it was just a matter of time before Mom would appear and tell me to put the toys back under the tree and wait til the morning.

If you want to know, my little brother slept most of the time and did not take part in my weird adventures of placing stickers on vehicles with no lights. Made them look like Rumsfeld paid a visit to tell me that armor is in short supply but hey! We've got stickers and they can go anywhere!

Silly putty makes me do weird things. You, too?

Fact: I've seen A Christmas Story more than you and I laugh my ass off always.

So, no matter how sick and angry I am (our store's checks did not come so no one got paid for all those days of work), I did come by with my mom's homemade chocolate chip cookies for R. I also gave her a hug because she's just so fucking great to have as a co-worker. Yeah, I'd hug that goth woman obsessed with the dark side of things all while enjoying being whipped but I settled for a handshake of her cool gloved hands. Let's just say that I like "interesting people."

So, I'd just like to end this entry before I go to sleep soon (that medicine makes me loopier than silly putty) to hopefully have the energy to travel up near Chicago by wishing all a Merry Christmas.

*Oh, Sara, I forgot to send you a kiss your way. Fuck mistletoe! All girls with something to say should be held, tasted and devoured.*

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