-song from Garden State

Have you ever seen a movie that you found so fascinating because each moment the character faces or feels is pretty much...you?

I finally finished Garden State, after many distractions due to life. *Don't you just love DVDs and how you can just go directly to the chapter stops?* I must say that I loved it! Loved it! First of all, Zach Braff of the TV show, Scrubs, produced it and what I enjoyed was that it wasn't formulatic. Each character had a little traite that you couldn't help but notice.

You see, I feel so much like that character played by Zach Braff, Andrew. He'd sit there with no feeling whatsoever thanks to the drugs prescribed to him by his psychiatist fathe played by Ian Holm (another good actor-ever seen The Sweet Hereafter?). Now, I may not be on any drugs because I've never been into that kind of thing. I drink pretty mildly but get a bit tipsy with my college pals so I'm not completely excused but I notice things about myself.

Okay, it's easy to realize that I am depressed. The last time I remember feeling so completely me was in Montreal with PenDragon. I'll never forget how I, the least tearful of people, came so close to shedding teardrops all because of meeting someone that once was full of life. *We no longer talk but I do miss her.* Ever since then, I've been pretty much a mess of not expressing feeling.

How can I? My family is small so I don't look to holidays as other people do. Bald-O's parents have adopted me and will do anything for me when I visit. I'm not sure if my taste in ex-girlfriends was awful but most I don't even think about. J? My nose cringes up to think about her childish behavior that I somehow ignored in the beginning. My dad is emotionally distant from me so we rarely talk.

I could go on but seeing Andrew try to talk to his dad was so me that I had to watch the scene. My dad wishes I was more masculine and not how my mother raised me. Oh, I'm unusual alright.

I've been in love once so I know THAT feeling. Kristan made life so simply beautiful just by teaching me things that I never realized I should have learned, questioning everything, sex, feeling, and actually looking beyond what others tell you to do. Ever met someone like that?

I've loved Natalie Portman, from Leon to Beautiful Girls. Here, she's just so quirky and fun that I couldn't help but like how she gets Andrew to feel again. He may have left his lithium and other drugs behind but it's Natalie's character, Sam, that wakes him up within a 4 day time span.

Oh, the movie and how it's not full of what you'd expect made a bit of smiling cross my face. Andrew drives an old military motorcycle throughout his old town and I just found it nice to not see the same old thing we see in other movies. Sure, the extras are a bit gorgeous, especially the spin the bottle girl, but the movie has much more.

Maybe I'm selling this weird movie, Garden State, to you but I'm just trying to get out that drugs being prescribed may not be the answer. For me, it takes one person, be it friend or lover, to get me out of a funk here and there. I loved Kristan but lost her due to life's travesty of moving. My best friend with the complete gift of introducing me to music's real beauty was taken over by alcohol. A bit of my heart was left in Montreal but PenDragon changed into someone that whines about the littlest things. Now, I don't know where I am.

So, I do hold out hope each day and not give in to witholding all my emotions. I'll laugh and giggle but I'm waiting til I can find someone that can really bring out what few people see. Bald-O, my best friend, knows me. Will you?

So, today? Well, I ignored Brianne all thanks to her complete fucking nerve to treat me the way she did all while thinking she is fat. She didn't apologize but Brianne did wave when she saw me working on my biceps. Again, my feelings were kept inside and I was thinking about finishing Garden State once my workout was done. At that point, I was on Chapter 12.

Oh, yeah.........it's still raining in case you are keeping track.

I guess today can be summed up with cold rain, dull comics released today, but my only desire was to watch Garden State. Isn't there supposed to be more in life because I've heard too many times that the people I know worry about their little fat pockets or sports. Maybe I was not meant to be a part of this world, huh?

Well, at least I got caught up on all my emails that I owe. Joe, my co-worker, finally gets one from me since we got along so well. Mr. "Talk Nerdy To Me" seemed to only like people with something to say, which was hard in where we work, so I guess I'm one of da cool kids with him. Be nice to nerds today, kids.

- - 2009-07-07

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