I know no one likes to think of their parents having sex so I like to think of myself has being spontaneously created on the planet, KruzzyToo, and somehow booted here while you and Dad were just getting over your days of drinking in college. *Wink Wink* There I was, a little pudgy with big smiles and the smoothest butt since Mel Gibson, holding up gigantic pieces of rock because I was special. That look you gave me as all 169 pounds of earth was hoisted above me said it all. My powers were to be kept secret or else I'd become some kind of superhero or something. You did notice my love for cheeseburgers so you, at least, let me keep that.

So, I sit here and wish my mother a happy Mother's Day. Yes, I know she will never read this all due to the fact that I do not allow anyone close to me the simple ability to read my diary. Only Sara and you, dear reader, know what happens in my warped mind that has yet to find his fortress of solitude.

My mother, one of the strictest but also full of love for the Hedgehoggy, has become a best friend. Somewhere, after all that yelling and discipline, I can find myself seated next to her using the "S" word without a look of concern from her. We can also add "balls" since my mother and I do laugh about how our dog, Clyde, is going to be losing his gigantic set soon.

My mother, one of the best friends I could have helped me realize that I'm not so bad throughout my sad days. Within me is a kind hearted goofball that somehow keeps within hope that we will someday overcome the evil that is Republicans!

My mother, whom disciplined me in her days of teaching 3rd Grade, made me learn math to a point where my 4th Grade teacher pulled me out of the room to ask if she could buy me a book because I looked bored while pulling in all "A's" "No" was my answer and went right back into the room to breeze through another timed session of fractions.

My mother taught me that sex is a good thing and nothing to be ashamed of. Here I was reading an article on a local bodybuilder and she told me to not end up like him. My mother's words: "Don't get too big because one day you'll start getting on top of girls and it could crush them." Of course, I told all my friends while I was in 8th Grade. Sorry to tell you that with nothing to rebel and nuns had fucked my mind so bad that I did not lose my virginity til right AFTER high school.

My mother has only seen me drunk once. Here I was being dropped off after a late night session of underage drinking barely able to make it up the stairs. Shocked was I to find my mother waiting at the top and not making an issue that I swore to seeing 6 of her while I probably smelled worse than my week-old socks. Yes, my mom knew I was out there drinking but she knew I was adult enough to not drive.

My mother knew I lost my virginity when I spent the night at Kristan's house. This was right after high school and I'm sure it was wonderful to her that I was learning the art to pleasing women in bed with a 29 year old woman while I was barely 19. It was so hard for me at that time to call home and tell my mom that I would be spending a night in complete sin with a woman that owns 2 cats, a big dog, and a shotgun but, oh, so sensual. Anyone see the link between me and women that are handy with weapons?

My mother always made sure I was spoiled with toys such as my obsessive love of Transformers and G.I.Joes. My first G.I.Joe figure was "Grunt" and I still remember playing with him in the back of my grandma's long tan car on that drive back from Wal-Mart. You never forget your first.

My mother hated for me to see her cry while dealing with the shit our cousins put us through by attempting to steal my grandparents' fortune. It's still going on so more will come on this. Yes, there are thieves hidden within my small family but hopefully we'll shake 'em out.

My mother has always been fine with my subscribing to Playboy. It's a magazine my dad had and is now the one that I read from top to bottom. I'm sure my mom thinks of it as something that celebrates women rather than treating them like cattle. Somehow, I didn't grow up thinking that all women bake cookies or vacuum in the nude.

My mother was so scared for me in that time I travelled to Canada all alone to meet a fellow Diarylander. It was my first time on a plane and even in another country but I did. I ended up in Montreal, Canada for a week in a hotel with a great girl that I no longer talk to thanks to her need to take her problems out on me. At times, I miss PenDragon when I think of all those amazing conversations but it was also how scared my mother was of me being so far away. I'll never forget her words before I boarded the shuttle bus that morning:

"Ya know, you can use the money to buy a big-screen TV."

I don't know about you but a memory or event that shows how tough you are inside is so much better than a piece of machinery.

My mother had to live it all over when I travelled to Indiana on my own to see a girl that I can now not see myself without, Sara. Many discussions on caution when it comes to driving and to make sure these aren't "psychos you're staying with" come out but I knew it would go along great. It's fun to realize how worried your mother gets while you are out exploring your life but here I got to pick up an amazing girlfriend and make her happy as well.

Now? My mother continues to spoil me but also insists I understand life's realities. She knows how not too long ago I lost my bestest (I know that is not a word...) friend in the world to his slow descent into alcoholism. What my mother did was allow me the time to battle back and forth with the events that took place in my living with him in a dorm for half a semester and then here at home. A lot of things were said that would hurt the average person to a point of hating with extreme hate but I do miss that guy, Newman. He introduced me to a new life that just so happens to include a soundtrack of Pink Floyd and The Who.

Of course, we cannot leave this entry without talking of my mother's humor with farting, something she does with a certain amount of glee that many would call "un-lady like behavior." Me? I just laugh as she "toots" while making scrambled eggs in the morning or walking out of a bathroom saying, "You so do not want to go in there!"

The one gift my mother gave me that goes along with Kristan is the understanding of women. I was so tiny when my mother told me of her miscarriage that would have found me with a little sister. Again, I thought I'd have a better understanding of women if she had been born but with the help of my mother and Kristan, I came out okay. Sure, women can be a pain in the ass with little things that set them apart from guys but how can I not love them? I'm a sure fire starter in defending their need to express their sexuality so I have no problem with hearing about their lovers, interests in sex, love of masturbation, or that awful word that makes it look like a church bell went of next to a male's ear, periods.

Oh, how you would've loved to have watched Kristan and I discuss women's sexuality for many, many hours on her couch! It was one of the most fascinating times of my life, to have someone get rid of that wiring that the nuns put into my head in telling me that women should have very few sex partners. Like I've said many times before, I was so different back then while my mom helped me in realizing that women have the right to choose rather than have life ordered for them.

I guess you can say that my mother is unique. Oh, she is and I look forward to Sara meeting her one day. One of the reasons this is so interesting to me is that the woman I gave my virginity to said this: "I would love to meet your mom and tell her what an amazing job she did with you." Alas, Kristan never did get to thanks to moving to New Mexico but Sara will.

- - 2009-07-07

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