Okay, I am completely fucking out of it as of now. I'm not sure why but I feel abandoned and alone from any kind of feelings within. No matter how hard I try and convince myself that I do matter, I just cannot see it that way.

Hence my hesitation as to doing an entry tonight. It pretty much has to do with depression that came somewhere this afternoon, just complete sadness and hopelessness.

During such bouts of this inherited illness, depression, I have no belief in myself. I'll go up to talk to Gay Nick all while hiding behind my face of happiness while inside it's just a train wreck. Maybe there are people that can handle such things in their own way of just sitting there watching TV but not me.

I popped Revenge Of the Sith into my DVD player. Nice movie but this is my 2nd viewing and seeing the inner messages all seem to lead to the fact that the Republicans are the Evil Empire while the weak pathetic Democrats are the Jedi Council just sitting on their asses while havoc keeps coming through. Again, sadness.

So, I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling but maybe I should have been under the table and dreaming like Dave Matthews named that 1 album. Nothing.

The littlest things can hurt so bad so I changed to anger. This was released by going into the storage room to lift weights as an addition to my shoulder workout. Again, nothing. The anger went away but I was back to sadness.

In Revenge Of the Sith, you can see Anakin slowly turn himself over to the Dark Side. As much as I enjoy the baddies, I know I would never turn my back on the world in such a case. It's just that I know that the character felt so hopeless that the littlest voice helped real him in to something he was not.

It's about confusion and makes me want to curl up in a ball. I don't understand why people enjoy reading my diary or why I am faced with things in my life. I don't know what Sara sees in me. I don't know why people have huge smiles on their faces when they see me in the gym or high five me on the treadmill. I pretty much despise myself and this is a moment where I don't know what I want considering many weaknesses I find within.

When I was younger, I would climb up on top of my garage out in the backyard and stare up at the stars. Thanks to breaking my right foot in a game of baseball back in college this is not a good idea all the time. You see, once you climb up, the only way down is to jump. It's always a give and take situation in life as I've always seemed to notice.

- - 2009-07-07

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