-"Toy Soldiers" by Martika

So, why did I lock my diary? To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. It just felt like the best thing to do while I think things out or possibly keep out people I'm not feeling good towards. Hopefully, I can get all I wish to say out with words that will fully help you understand why there are just these really fucked up moments where I am so sensitive. Oh, I hate it when I get like this!

First of all, I know I am lucky. I will never have to worry about money thanks to a very large inheritance and things that have me set for life. In no way does this make me want to go out and become a materialistic fuck-up that brags about what he has. It's just not me. I'm fine with a car that just runs and a house for shelter. Nothing has to be "pimp'd" out to show wealth.

My mom and I got into a discussion of how well off I will be in the future when I went with her to get the dogs from their haircut appointment. A lot of this kind of freaks me out due to being sheltered a bit thanks to my parents. You'll see this in how my mom will never allow me to even learn to cook since she wants this to be her job. You'd think it was strange when I begged her to show me how to poach a fucking egg 2 weeks ago.

Yet, I've branched out in my own ways as best I can. I freaked out my mom by going to Canada on my own, this being my first time on a plane, etc. I mean, we are talking about another fucking country, one that I fell in love with!

Next, I left for Indiana on my own with only a map and a desire to meet the girl that drove me wild. Mentally and sexually, Sara is an amazing girl and I, sometimes, wish I could be more for her as I see her go through her own pains.

There are many more things in my life that I've done to branch out. I did live at my old college for 9 months out of each year along with driving down to Bald-O's on my own. That was kind of a given since I had been there on other times to get an idea of a small town where everyone waves at you. Here, everyone flicks you off so it's quite a culture shock to not have to lock your doors when down south.

I'm also lucky in body. Mine is a major deal due to it all being on my own. I set my own workouts through many trials and errors. Only a few injuries came but due to my determination to build myself into what I desired to look like, I'm here and feeling way better than most people can say about themselves. Working out also helps me maintain my depression due to the adrenaline that flows like the finest wine after each workout. Only the truly experienced get a high like that.

So, the point? The point is that no matter how much money I have or what I look like, I am one of the nicest guys around. Of course, there are days I am grumpy but those are so few compared to what you'd see if you met me. I like to know people and feed off of learning from them on what they enjoy, etc. The worst thing you could call me is "ignorant" since I'd take that as a complete dis.

Well, I tried to be friendly with 2 girls working out near me while in the gym. Both looked at me with looks of "Why is this guy think he is worthy to know me?" Oh, I was so pissed off as 1 of these girls went up to some of her guy friends and basically told them in her own way of things about me. This is where being big pays off because no one would fuck with me.

Okay, I am friendly and I tend to hate it, too. There are so many snobs in my gym that it pisses me off at how bad it's gotten. We are talking about guys as well but they aren't much of a problem for me due to various factors. It's just that a part of my workout tends to be in the area where girls are, at times, since certain machines are located there. Why they have to put the "pec deck" there is one issue I have.

Jeez, it's like you don't know whether you can talk to someone for fear of them seeing you as beneath them. I thought this kind of stuff was done with at the end of high school but it just adds up. Gay Nick, Old Nick, Will, Jody, Warren, and many others are great but a few bad apples that think too highly of themselves tend to piss me off. This is where I curse myself for being friendly and wanting to chat while resting after a workout set.

We can also add Diaryland to this issue I have. What has happened!?! I mean, I've noticed so many people just wanting to talk about themselves but not taking the time to listen to others. It's almost out of control here and sad how there are many moments where I just want to leave this fucking place.

I was also kind of hurt by an ex-Diarylander that still has not gotten back to me over a question I had for her. All I wanted was to know a few things about whether she would help me but nothing. Na-da. It certainly wasn't that she was busy because after I sent her the email she came by to visit my diary. The kicker is that it looked like she brought another person to read my entries, most likely the blowjob one. Just not getting an answer stings since I always thought she was a cool but now I'm paranoid that my diary is something to laugh at or whatever. Did I tell you that I hate being sensitive every now and then?

There are just days that I feel like shit after putting up so many entries I take the time to think about in what I want to say. The effort I put in here is quite a lot due to not being a total weak piece of shit that whines about a girlfriend/boyfriend and such to the point that you'll know the entry before I even type it out. People can really suck when the talk about their problems but never listen to others. The next thing you know I wonder if it's just all in my head.

I'm thinking I just might lock my diary for good or for just a matter of time. The great thing is that I'll be gone this weekend to spend time down south with my boys and that's all that should really matter even if I'm a bit sad that I can't see Sara on her birthday. Yeah, you can tell that I really like this girl and I'll admit that it's interesting following us each day in my diary, huh?

Gawd, I just hate Diarylanders, sometimes. People do this thing for different reasons while I really like knowing about the lives of others just as I enjoy telling my story. It's when people don't bother to take the time to listen, especially those Diarylanders that you thought were so good to know only ending up as people with only themselves to think about.

Does anyone else feel this? I mean, I've heard some others that are disgruntled towards Diaryland so what are your issues? Do you get what I am saying at all or do I sound like I've got smoke coming out of my ass while holding a pail of water? I wish the golden year of Diaryland would come back because that was a sight to behold with people sharing their thoughts as well as listening.

- - 2009-07-07

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