-"Woke Up This Morning" the theme song to The Sopranos

Want me to tell you of a conversation I had with this guy in the gym? It amused me but I'm sure girls would get what I am laughing at even more. Let's just say that guys can be amazingly clueless to the point where you either want to laugh or just stare in complete amazement over what they just cannot get.

Guy: "Man, when I go out with a girl, we are so going to Burger King, McDonald's, or Taco Bell! Oh, I so wanna go to Taco Bell, right now!"

Hedgehoggy: "So, I'm just taking a wild guess at this and say that you are single?"

Guy: "Yeah, how'd you know that?"

It didn't quite hit me how funny this conversation was til I went back to my workout on the bench press. The dating guide to ettiquete certainly does not have a page on taking her to McDonald's but according to this guy, there will be exceptions. In this case, he goes home alone and tells everyone that she was really just a lesbian. It's kind of how Bald-O's brother looked at me after telling this amazing story of what he calls the town slut. Apparently, her vagina was so big that he got no feeling while fucking her because it was used by everyone in the town. This is where Bald-O's brother looked at me odd when I asked if the factor had more to do with how there is a possibility that his dick was quite small.

My boys can be quite a handful and full of shit but you don't know how hard it is to keep a straight face while sitting there during sex stories. You know that little hamster that runs in the wheel that you call a head? Mine's more likely standing in the corner shooting pellets out of its ass thanks to a huge case of the giggles.

So, I have had to take part in my mom's desire to show her 4th Of July spirit. Hers might be different than your idea of lighting firecrackers in the front yard at dusk. You see, my mom loves to send all 5 Yorkies to the groomer's for their thrilling haircuts since they also come back with little outfits. In this case, everyone got stars and stripes bandanas with little bows on the top of their heads to match. I'll admit to a small amount of cuteness in all this but I'm a guy so all I can do is laugh at 5 sad faces feeling completely ridiculous.

Editor: "By jove, why do people dress their little dogs like this!?! It's just not right and should be banned like Tom Cruise from the Eiffel Tower. I'm sure that place is cursed now. I'll shut up now."

The only animals that should be wearing clothes are chimpanzees. There is something completely remarkable about seeing these animals wearing pants and various clothing such as suspenders that bring out the complete male in me. Add this to the 3 Stooges love I secretly hold within and, finally, you can say that I own a cock and am proud to wave it in your general direction!

MTV did a 1 hour show on 3 guys on their return from Iraq. Oh, how I had this bout of sadness for the guy that lost 3 limbs while there. I'm sure it was the lack of armor on the vehicle as it had ridden over a landmine. While the other guys lost their lives, this survivor lost 2 legs and his right arm.

What was the only nice thing to say about all this shit we get from the 3 guys coming back from Iraq was that the guy without his 2 legs and arm was that he got married. As much as it is sweet to see a woman wanting to spend the rest of her life with him, I don't know how she's gonna handle it in the long run. As of right now, the guy is just learning to walk again with prosthetic legs. I hope all goes well for him in his year of rehabilitation.

What you cannot help but notice in the other 2 guys back from Iraq is how easily they have trouble holding their emotions. this post traumatic war syndrome was interesting to watch since you never knew when 1 was going to go off on a topic. I guess it is needless to say that none of them wanted to go back to Iraq but most likely will anyway. As much as I'd love to experience war due to my curiousity, this one is completely senseless, especially in Bush's speech on how he STILL thinks Iraq had something to do with 9/11. Can someone just admit they bombed the wrong country!?!

So, south is tomorrow and as much as I hate the 2.5 hours of driving, it is nice to sit back in a giant chair with a cold beer and a 55-inch HDTV. The problem with us men is that we tend to blend into furniture and not want to get up. Due to my mixture of manly and girly features, this is not an issue. It's when The Sopranos or HBO's G-String Divas come on that I will not leave that fucking chair for anything. That documentary on strippers was so good that all guys stopped drinking and went home at 11pm to watch on the nights it was on.

The cooking? Well, if you enjoy southern style of a lot of ribs, burgers, grilled chicken, potato salad, and beans, you'll be in heaven. Yes, even the women will let their farts be known as they tilt while in their lawn chairs. No drinking in front of Bald-O's parents. That will be done once everyone is gone and the sound of a beer being open cannot be heard for about 300 yards. Bald-O will not drink in front of his parents since it'll most likely end up with him and 14 empty cans.

Me? I don't drink that much anymore as I've just kind of stopped seeing it as THE thing to do. I'm pretty much casual and it takes Bald-O to insist I drink more. After 3, I see no point since this is not a college dorm but a trailer owned by a 5th Grade teacher. Yeah, Bald-O teaches. And in case you are wondering, he is pretty damn good while taking the time to be involved in sports with his kids, unlike so many teachers in this town.

I have no idea as to whether I am going to take Bald-O's motorcycle out for a spin around the area. Last time, I almost ended up in the pond. Now, doesn't that get your heart pounding? A muscular somewhat feminine but quite masculine man that rides around on a bike with no clue as he flashes his pretty blue eyes? How about adding his chunky sidekick, Bald-O, with his hairy chest clinging to me? Just what could Queer Eye For the Straight Guy do for us?

Editor: "In this case, lots! Like the picture of you in nipple tassles, this should never be shown or even photographed."

- - 2009-07-07

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