-Stephen Colbert

Well, Vh1's "Best Week Ever" got it right that the inner child is having the best week ever. Just wish someone had remembered to give me my giant sucker with various flavors to lick all day.

FYI: I am still catching up on emails.

Gay Nick would like for me to give a shout out to Charlie And the Chocolate Factory. I spent much of my time in the gym listening to him tell me how great it was and how I must see it. Apparently, Gay Nick did one thing I have not. He read the book and told me how much darker the movie is and how true to the book Charlie And....got. Nice. The whole movie has things I like, Johnny Depp (a true rebel of an actor), Veruca Salt (charming girl, no?), and a dark feel to it. My only issue is that I loved the Oompa Loompas of the first one since those damn songs still play in my head.

Oh, in case you found my diary while looking for Colin Farrell's sex tape, I do not have it. The whole thing starts out with his girlfriend, a Playboy Playmate and completely nude, coming out to sit next to her cat. Colin is heard saying, "You have such a nice pussy." Now, we all know how I feel about the word, "pussy," so I'll let that slide.

But, hey, it's Colin "Get me another drink" Farrell, 1 of 3 guys I'd go gay for. He's a fuckin' badass that I'd watch just about any movie he's in. In case you are wondering who the other guys are, they are Mark Wahlberg (yes, "Marky Mark" was and will always be da shit) and Michael Biehn (seen Aliens or Terminator?). There's something about this set of guys that I find amusingly interesting.

Anyway, let's just keep all that between us. It's obvious that I admire people with a rebellious nature since I, too, have a tendency to release the inner beast. It's just that I've learned to calm more thanks to my time spent in the gym letting out my inner agressions. I just wish some of the older guys would shave their backs while the old ladies would start wearing panties. Things are just too obvious when they do sit-ups on the ground and you are forced to walk over them. Yuck!

So, I survived 4 hours in Barnes & Noble in order to get my little fingers wrapped around a copy of the new Harry Potter book. Now, it's not entirely about obtaining it but the joy is more precise in seeing how this book causes fans to really absorb themselves in it. You'll find various people walking around dressed as Hermione ("the brain"), Harry (obviously the lead hero), but also Draco Malfoy ("the bully" or possibly misunderstood punk). That last character is a rare sighting so it was nice to find a girl (I had to be told by Sara that the person dressed as him was female) deeply into a lesser loved one. I've always loved the bad guys in movies and books so I can see why even if I'm not much into Draco.

The Barnes & Noble in Indiana was much bigger than ours. What Sara, Carrie (her friend and "fertility goddess"), and I did was camp-out in the store's section. My eye was always on the lookout for various people in order to see which character they were dressed as. Too many Harrys but very cute little Hermiones to make up for this.

Now, you can laugh at us for getting so deep into what Bald-O calls a "children's book." Fine. You know what? I don't give a fuck because I've had a great time reading the Harry Potter books ever since 1 of my mother's Third Graders lended me hers. Instantly, I was hooked by reading the first one in a day. The second was devoured quite fast while I bought the Third myself. I find myself looking forward to the next one just the same way I was on the last one.

What I enjoy is how much the character of Harry has changed, from a scared little boy to a toughened up teen ready to defend a castle as well as his life from Lord Voldermort. Along the way, you'll meet his teachers, especially Snape, and find various mishaps thanks to the Weasley twins whom give us varieties on bathroom humor. Who doesn't laugh at poop jokes on occasion? I'm just curious as to how Harry will now seek revenge thanks to what has been set upon him with the end of this new book.

Here in my town, the local bookstores had various activities for kids. The local independent one nearby this house had valet "broom parking" with local Boy Scouts acting as parking attendents. Am I the only one that thinks that is a disastor waiting to happen? Other stores had games and blah, blah, blah. My only interest was seeing the white owls used as the characters' owls.

FYI: Information is carried by each person having an owl. Harry's is named "Hedwig" and is a snow white gorgeous fluff of feathers. Each owl would carry various things like newspapers, notes, or "howlers." I'm not sure everyone finds a howlers as funny as me but when a kid opens one, the writer's words are shouted at the receiver. Funny.....to me.

So, this Barnes & Noble with 4 hours to do things had choices. You could either watch the third movie on a 46 inch high definition TV, face paint, drink green juice, take pictures with people dressed as various characters, or learn how to make your own wand. There are so many porno jokes that are running through my mind. Work my wand, girl!

What did Sara, Carrie, and I choose? Most of those 4 hours were camped out near the sexuality, cooking, and entertainment books so naturally it was fun to read about multi-orgasmic couples. Look, the kids had no fucking clue as to what we were talking about so why not allow us a little fun? We did get our pictures taken with the Potter look-alikes. Free polaroids of us and momentos of a night we'll never forget, huh? Damn straight!

4 hours.......4 hours of occasional roaming after getting bored on sexual discussions in which Sara insists I can be multi-orgasmic. I just cannot see myself cumming without squirting, ya know? We'd look around at various other topics. Sara and Carrie would visit tarot cards while I'd be in the DVD department wishing someone would buy me that new Bruce Willis flick, Hostage, since I've heard good things about it.

I'd pop in to see the movie playing on the TV. You'd find the kids close by while the adults were doing crosswords on the left. Some kids even came in PJs so they were ready to hit the bed once they get home. My idea of pajamas is nothing so I'm sure my love of nudity would not allow me a book. Plus, it scares kids!

Once an hour before the book hits, we were told to line up. Sara and I waited along with the other 1-50 in number. Every 5 minutes, the next 50 would add to the line til all were standing and wondering how they were going to survive this close proximity of body heat. My thoughts exactly since the 2 little kids nearby me had the decency to give me a kick every now and then. I am so not into children.

Pass the time by playing games. It works when Sara cannot beat me in a hand slap type or thumb wrestling. I rule. Sara's hands ended up red and I am sure that there will be revenge on her side. Other than that, I hated how we seemed to be jammed so close together while waiting to get our hands on the book.

Various kids were completely asleep near midnight. All the running around wore them out or it could just by my looks of "get the fuck away, child!" that did them in. I had a special fondness for the little girls dressed as Hermione since that is one of my favorite characters. Well, it was obvious that they were scared of me so taking the time to talk to a 12-year old is out of the question. Probably as idiotic as the guy having his bachelor party at this Harry Potter release night.

Due to my funds being quite low (gas and bills, gas and bills), Sara bought me a copy of Harry Potter And the Half-Blood Prince at 12:07am. My spirits surged as we raced home to read once food from Jimmy Johns was collected. Damn, those #4's are fo' shizzlin' good!

Now, you'd expect a late Friday night of some form of hell-raising but nope. All of us sat in the living room reading our new Harry Potters like the type of kids our parents wished more of, quiet and obedient. I was on page 147 near 3am and passed out while Sara continued. Little kids, sandwiches, and all that hoopla wore me out.

I'm thinking that Friday night is one I will never forget. It's not just the polaroid picture reminding me but the 4 hours spent with Sara and Carrie that make it so memorable. You go through all that waiting while doing various things. For instance, I got my hand slapped a few times because I accidently found them rubbing Sara's ass. Whoops! Those kinds of moments are only allowed when the over 18 crowd is present, not in the bookstore aisles when little girls are walking around in the shortest shorts looking for some manly geeks. We survived.

- - 2009-07-07

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