-Bring It On

Ah, I come home from the gym and totally just veg'd out right there on the spot, my bed. No desire to move. Just pure lay there and do my best impression of Jabba the Hut without all that icky tongue licking and senseless cackling as I bring another idiot to his doom.

This insomnia is a total bitch. Completely utterly making me a guy that will yawn all fucking day. That is me. I didn't get to actually sleep til after 3am and THEN I wake up around 7:30am completely awake. Looking at my clock has been a nightmare because I face screen shots in my mind as to how fucked up I feel.

My mind: "You bastard! Why did you even bother to get out of bed at that time? Head down on pillow and collapse, dammit!"

My sleeping position is just that, face down and hopefully do not drool. Well, maybe my timing on getting home after my workout wasn't too bad since USA Channel was playing Bring It On. Let's see, we've got Road House and Bring It On as movies I can watch over and over again without making gurgling noises. Yup, I know Bring It On's whole fucking dialogue, such a beauty, huh? Am I the only one that sees how great this flick is?

Sparky: "Spirit fingers! I wanna see spirit fingers!"

I'm sure the look on the most masculine of males, my friend Mark, was perfect when I stood up to dance to the Mickey song at the end of Bring It On. I'm precious and few.

I'm not sure why channels feel the need to censor a person from giving the bird like they did in Bring It On. Weird. All a person has to do is proudly show the middle finger to say, "Fuck you!" Yet, it's like a huge deal to not show what we all know. When someone gives me the finger, I just smile since it's a badge of honor to have them do that. It's when they get all red in the face and chase after me that I take the time to smile.

A Diarylander mentioned shopping at Target as getting a little too informational. Well, I had to go this morning on an errand and would like to know if everyone else's Target is beginning to look like Fort Knox. I walk in there only to find this eerie feeling of being watched closely as I pace the aisles. Fucking cameras everywhere! Even Wal-Mart isn't that tight.

What has me laughing is that I took notice of Target's security guy, medium length hair and wearing a uniform. When the sensors go off, he comes ah calling on yo' ass. Well, this guy was working out in my gym tonight and I kept wondering why I recognized him til I thought long and hard about my errand to Target. I didn't think he was this big because that uniform hides a major amount of muscle.

Me being me and I do mean totally weird-o me that just has to chat, I went up to tell this security guy (25 years of age) how cool it must be to chase after people, tackle them, and bring 'em back into the store for sentencing. Looking at Target, there has got to be a hidden prison. Then again, I'm sure that someone that has to be stuck in line while the announcer beams the words, "I need a price check on these scented tampons! The girl's got a smelly one!" has it much worse.

That brings me to something a female friend of mine brought up recently. Thank you for girls that are just as creative in discussions as I am because I totally see her point. In an issue of "Lucky Magazine," they had samples of some sort of these new scented tampons. Now, you could go all over with this topic because the first thing I thought of was:

"Why do you want to send samples? I mean, isn't it just shocking to find women smelling various pads just to find that right scent while you shop?"

Do you get what I am saying? What about if you were in an aisle over and heard a conversation between 2 girls with the words, "I want my twat to smell like vanilla."

It all kind of reminds me how amusing I find the toilet paper commercials that use a bear sitting down in front of a tree. I'm sure that it brings the old adage joke of: "Does a bear shit in the woods?" but what's the point? I mean, we all shit so why can't we get out of the use of cute fuzzy creatures doing what we know we do? I'd just die if the commercial showed the bears leaning over to fart.

Back to scented tampons/pads.......

Isn't that pretty degrading to women? I'm sure it makes a girl's most intimate scent out to be disgusting and should be dealt with by falsifying it with various smells brought to you by fruits and candles. Why? A yum-yum should be free to be as it was born to be. A nice long shower is the only thing needed to clean all that sweat. Conversations should get a little weirder:

12-year-old to her mother shopping for school supplies: "Today, I want my twat to smell like berries!"

"Dude, your girlfriend just passed by you. Why does she smell strongly like a banana?"

News reporter: "This just in! It's just another sign that kids are still heavily into huffing. A 13-year-old girl was found dead today after inhaling too many scented maxi-pads. Her mother thought that her clean smelling room smelled just that, too good, only to the horrors of female menstruation products gone wrong."

And to show you how I pay attention to everything, there is now a protection cup available for football players that contains a mini fan. I'm not joking that this thing is intended to keep football players' balls sweat free after those 2-a-days. After my run on the treadmill in this heat, I just might look into a mini fan to place down my shorts because my balls get really sweaty.

It's just funny to me how we are all into hiding our natural scents so much. Armpits are understandable since they are pretty much nothing special. It's just that our balls and your yum-yums were created with pheromones to attract that opposite sex. Why hide them? Plus, I don't think it's nice in even a hygenic way. My balls might get stuck in the fan, too.

Well, I hope you found this completely wacko entry to be of interest. I don't make the news, I just report it and laugh at how things continue to get out of control with our obsession for perfection. I'm gonna have sweaty balls after a good run and I expect some natual scents out of you girls. G'night.

- - 2009-07-07

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