-Varsity Blues

Oh, it's on a night like this that I'd rather be in Indiana. The coolness of the air is perfect for coming back from the custard place that just so happens to be frequently visited by annoying teenagers. I'd be licking as fast as I can since my choice tends to leak out of the cup and on to my lap. Anyone seeing me get out of Sara's car would think I had the most amazing handjob all over myself.

Yeah, Sara and I would be walking in the door to her apartment at a point where she'd really only just beging to work on her ice cream selection. Mine would be pretty much done as I lay around waiting for her so we could get to whatever event is on the agenda. Could be a movie. Could be porn. Could be sex. Could be a dash of Harry Potter. You never know!

I'm thinking that I should leave a day earlier before this Atlanta trip. We're leaving on Friday night but Sara and I have not seen each other in some time so we have a need to talk and do what all those crazy people do, have filthy sex and massage toes while watching The Sopranos.

Do you ever watch The History Channel? That has to be one of the most addictive channels around because my parents have it on all the time and each time I visit, I find myself sitting there wanting to know more. The History Channel did a great episode on Caligula, one of the kinkiest of Roman emperors (Orgies! Marry a horse! Have women pee on tortured subjects!), and how he built some of the most amazingly lavish ships. Forget about helping Rome by using the tax money for real uses such as buildings and helping the poor. Nope, turn a ship into a moving vessel complete with heated tile and a before-their-time welded system.

The History Channel has it all and I'd be shocked if even the dumbest person did not get a bit smarter from watching it as often as it is on. 24 hours of endlessly impressive information on our past and future. You've got the histories of weapons, warfare, planes, leaders, dictators, plumbing, and even......the toilet. My mother and I watched this channel's highly amusing take on how we were introduced to the most useful tool.

FYI: Did you know the French just poop'd or pee'd out in a building's section completely open to anyone? Say you were at an opera, you'd just get up and go out to this open room, unzip, pee, and walk back all while hoping you didn't step on anyone's tile-sausage. The French also wore a lot of perfume. How many wanna bet that they had some messy asses and that anal wasn't something as interesting as today?

Tonight's History Channel info was on bikes, namely scary motorcycles that can cause you to lose a limb or 2. Oh, why not throw in the Hell's Angels's as well since they are truly something ya don't fuck with. The whole show was called "Auto Maniacs" and is hosted by Bill Goldberg. Yes, that Goldberg, a guy that wrestled in his undies on the former WWF. Man, that guy is fucking huge with personality.

FYI: Goldberg is a huge animal lover so I'm sure that he'd just be tickled pink to read about how much y'all love your kitty cats and doggies. Send some pics of your cats nude or wearing next to nothing so as to get some major attention from the man himself. Who knew huge motorcycle guys could get emotional?

Speaking of history, I am not recommending the movie, Alexander. It started out okay n' all. You've got Angelina, Colin, and Val Kilmer so it couldn't go wrong, right? Well, Angelina was used far too little, mainly as a schemer while Colin looked ridiculous as a blonde. You'll see what I mean if you decide to sit through this flick of almost 3 hours.

But that's the problem! How do you take the amazing life of Alexander and put it into almost 3 hours!?! This guy did a hell of a lot so it almost feels jumbled up too fast. You'll see Alexander go from Greece and finally end up far into India only to be thwarted by elephants (since when do elephants shake the ground?) in the movie's last major battle. It just gets summed up too fast as to when Alexander the Great finally loses it.

If you didn't know this already, know it now. Alexander the Great liked boys and girls. I always thought that Hollywood had gotten over the fear of putting homosexuality on screen. Gay Nick was right in that a person still has fear of coming out. Jared Leto plays Alexander the Great's lover. You'd think that there would be scenes of Colin pounding 'em into the ass of a former My So Called Life actor. Nope, Jared gets sensual hugs but you will see some man kisses. Nothing goes beyond that.

Alexander is a bit of a cluttered mess so watch with my arrogant warning of a man I do kind of admire. For Colin Farrell watchers, you do get a glimpse of his balls at some point. I'm not sure if women have a special place in their hearts to look at them since penises are voiced more. They are there so maybe it's a preview for you girls before Colin's sex tape sneaks out onto the 'Net somehow.

As much as I hate to admit it, I do admire Bob Guccione's take on Caligula, the insane Roman emperor. If you can find this 1970something movie in all its X-Rated glory (of course, I have a copy on DVD!), you will be subjected to so much questionable stuff that it's hard for me to believe this made it into theaters. Bob showed it all and even made me question taste since you will be subjected to:

-An orgy complete with massive penises ejaculating into the mouths of various women and, yes, we see it drip out to give that ol' Hollyood "Fuck You" as porn did. A midget running around only to be tackled by women that sit on his face while they play with his itty-bitty weiner.

-Beheading, although fake and funny to watch, they are just that. Caligula trusted no one and pretty much had his whole court put to death.

-Malcom McDowell completely naked. Points for that since it takes a lot for a major actor to show his dick. You know how guys get about showing themselves flaccid since we'd rather girls see us with massive rockets.

-Oral sex between women and, yes, we get views between their legs. Massive bushes though but still fun!

-Torture in which 1 man has his penis cut off and fed to dogs. Person is then pee'd on by 2 women and, yes, we are there to watch. Disembowlment and various scenes of prisoners forced to go through painful events.

-A brothel owner enjoys drinking out of chalices that contain the semen of many men circled around it after they jack off. Don't think that is weird because all religions have this strange notion that anything that comes out of the penis is good while anything out of the vagina is disgusting. Do your research, kids.

-Rape. A new bride is taken by Caligula as how he wants to even by fisting.

Oh, I could go on about the movie, Caligula, because they took the story of this insane emperor and made something no one would do today without apologies. Once you watch, you won't forget since Rome, as beautiful as it is, was also pretty fucked up and corrupt, yo. That doesn't mean I don't want to see HBO's season show, Rome. I'm a sucker for those times and hope I can catch some episodes.

- - 2009-07-07

Love Facebook - 2009-05-07

Retards Away! - 2009-02-16

Jackasses! I Sees 'Em! - 2008-11-28

My Birthday Happened - 2008-09-07