For those of us in the retail industry, Black Friday ("the day after Thanksgiving") is the absolute worst of all. Managers love to count the money coming in from complete idiots willing to do battle with the fridged weather while us slaves are forced to do more things in our hours than most do all year.

I have decided to narrow all that went down on Friday with a complete random entry. Everything is true and either scary or just plain insane/funny.

-4:45am, I report to work. Find everyone must get into a circle to put their hands in and shout out how happy they are. I do not and proceed to pout after only getting 2 hours of sleep due to worry about the morning's insanity.

-Run into a co-worker I haven't seen since last year, Joe. Missed him and his "Talk Nerdy To Me" t-shirt. Learned he was in the high school that 5 black girls caused a riot, my old high school. Yes, even pregnant girls will fight. Teachers were hurt until police had the place on lockdown.

-After 1 hour of work, I look at R to tell her that I want to go home. She looks at me and agrees. High-five.

-Cannot walk into store but stay in a little section, my designated area since I deal with being security and cart-fetcher. Have to pee by going to the side of the store and entering through the storage area. Mark, the main guy in charge back and good guy, understands my issue as I ring the doorbell.

-Women's bathroom was pandemonium! Since I had the key to the toilet paper/towel dispenser, I was the one to change these things as no toilet paper was available after 4 hours. None. Women did not wipe for some time and many were angrily lined up outside the bathroom. Some revolted by throwing old t.p. all over the floor.

-Women cheered when I brought out 3 thick rolls of toilet paper. Hedgehoggy saves the day! Proceed to load 'em up while a co-worker, Jessica, really had to go. Get uncomfortable as she proceeds to pee in front of me while I load. Walk out. It's not that I have a problem with women peeing in front of me but it's just that it felt wrong for me to be there.

-After 3 hours, I was constantly looking at my watch because I really, really wanted to go home. Ugh, 6 more hours of this shit!?!

-Yes, people were lined up outside the store at 4:30am looking in the windows. Wanted to yell out: "You bastards! You have sent me to hell!"

-When you have 1,000's of people going through your store, you tend to notice things. Men AND women pee on the toilet seats. Don't go pissing me off (no pun intended) that it's only men that miss. The cheers of older gals made this issue a bit easier. Plus, I didn't have to clean it up so proceed to pee on the floors.

-I cut out the top half of the Star Wars Revenge Of the Sith stand that held the DVDs since it was a large Darth Vader holding his red lightsaber. Drove home with him riding shotgun in my car. Felt good that I had someone to bitch to.

-R told me look above me but couldn't figure out what she was talking about. An apple left up on the scaffold for years was up there all black. The things you tend to get into a discussion about when you are slowly going insane.

-Was flirted with by many, many girls! Geez, there must be something about me that brings this out by girls I hardly even know or have just met. Our cashiers were always smiling at me or waving, etc. My thick coat and scowl do something for the female population? Weird. Could it just be my tiny heiny?

-Older ladies stopped to chat with me to tell me how bad other stores were. It was Target, Kohl's, and our mall that was just plain awful to get into. One laughed as I told her it was the faults of people like her that I have to do this type of insanity. Maybe I should have majored in drama.

-While playing security for the store, I told a guy I know that if he set the sensor off, I would give him the worst wedgie he's ever have. Got a strange face as the guy realized who I am. By the way, this guy is the husband of the woman that does my fabulously spiked hair.

-Helped a lot of ladies with putting gifts into their cars. Only on occasion did I receive a "thank you." Bitches.

-One woman grabbed a cart out of my hands while a Marlboro was between her lips. The look on her face said it all: "Fuck you."

-Noticed watch said "11:35" and so wanted to walk out due to headache and tiredness. Working with a moron didn't make it much better.

-My only saving grace was R. We both have obvious crushes on each other as the years have gone by. R and I just click with our tendency to be so similar in attitudes. Plus, we both like to make fun of the customers, white trash and bad dressers. Some wore just t-shirts and short skirts in the cold weather. It's possible the skirt wearers just wanted to air out their panties' skid marks.

-Had to pee a lot during that cold day. In other words, there was a lot of doorbell ringing on the side of the store.

-Talked to a bridal/tuxedo rental store's owners. They asked about my girlfriend as I helped them load up their gifts. Weird to be asked whether I was getting married only to tell them I've never given the idea much thought. Sara and I are young so why would I even contempalate such a thing? Nice couple of people to talk to, though.

-Much quiet cheering within those of us working together that it was nearing quitting time. Wish that Marlboro lady and I could meet in the parking lot to let out a little frustration.

-1,000's of people went through our store. Many had skid marks thanks to Thanksgiving's large dinner while others were not able to wipe due to no toilet paper. If I was going to suffer, I'm glad that others were going to as well.

-Learned that a lot of people are incredibly rude by leaving carts in back of other people's cars/trucks. Watch your backs, folks.

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