Chris: "Not right now."

Susan: "A girl's gotta have her standards."

-Real Genius

Let's see..........yesterday I was rattled thanks to running into my ex-girlfriend, J, in which I was caught off guard completely. Today, I just happen to come across one of the worst people I have ever met in my entire life's mother. In order to fuck with his mind a bit since we all know mothers will mention meeting someone their kid knows, I decided to walk up to this woman and lie.

"I'm a bouncer."

Oh, I cringe at what I told this woman, information that will get back to a guy I would love to see stuck in sand with only his face above so I can drop a giant box of red ants on. If you don't get that completely, I really, really hate this guy.

I'll put it to you in the milder version. We'll call this asshole "Z." Everyone hated Z due to his tendency to think himself higher along with being as mean as can be. This guy didn't even invite his best friends, and only friends, to his wedding. That poor woman is most likely wondering why she married Z but I don't care about her.

I'm a bouncer! I laugh a bit to think that Z will now think that lil' ol' 5"10" me is now some guy that kicks drunks out of bars and gets blowjobs from underage girls in order to allow admittance. Now, I've always been known as muscular thanks to entering high school at 165 pounds that did not contain fat while every other boy was barely over 100.

Now you see why I am afraid to step outside? My past has come back to me for 2 days straight, a past I'd rather keep away. No one really wants to run into their dreaded ex or people they absolutely hated in high school/college unless it's from a distance to observe from physical appearance whether he/she is better than them.

I know, I know. I'm boring you to death thanks to these days that only matter to me. What else can I say but ask you to look outside the window in front of me. It's raining...........again, bitter cold droplets that make me want to curl up underneath a lot of covers. It's almost like it's pointless to go out due to people I have no interest in seeing only to end up with them forcing me into coversation.

5 Things You Don't Know About Me (I was asked this so why not...........):

1. I enjoy church music. This is very strange due to my hatred for what I was forced to learn in private Catholic school. Nuns are mean but that's beside the point. It's the fact that I enjoyed the songs we as zombified children were forced to sing. "Eagle's Wings" is a fine example of a song I remember many words to. It kind of sounds like the movie, The Neverending Story, where instead of a great big furry dog you'd be transported by eagles wings where you would glide on the breath of dawn. I don't get it either but it was a cool song.

2. I had a paper route. While other kids were playing in the water sprinkler or eating ants, I was tossing papers and being chased if I hit the screen door too hard. Oh, I've been yelled at by assholes but, hey, I made some money to help a Boy Scout and I earn even more dough by buying up "Hustler Magazines" to sell at my private Catholic school. See? I was hustlin' at an early age.

Many will speak of the hardships of having a paper route but not me. All that helped in building character. Neither snow nor rain or the hell of wind could keep me from getting the newspapers on people's porches by 3:30pm. Once, when it rained so hard and I couldn't go on due to shivering so hard, I warmed my body up by doing almost 200 push-ups on a customer's front porch. I'm weird but I was able to stop shivering.

3. If I eat a tomato, I throw up instantly. Because of this weakness, Sara has been known to taunt me by eating them in front of me as well as playfully trying to get me to eat one. Well, if she wants her shirt to remain the same color, I suggest a no-taunt-Hedgie-with-a-tomato-rule.

4. My sex drive is nowhere near where it used to be. I know I talk about sex a lot in my diary but the reality is that I don't think about it that much anymore. Weird? It used to be 12 times a day for weeks straight in which I was so sore but now 1-3 times is enough. What confuses me is how other people still go at it like rabbits but not me. Hell, I've kept my body in tight condition while they sit around eating pizza and talking about how they wonder what it's like to stick a finger in a girl's butt. Either these guys are lying or something's wrong with me. I do miss being able to fuck like a bunny.

5. I secretly feel like a failure. Isn't that weird? I know I'm pretty damn smart and so much fun to talk to 1 on 1 according to those that I allow into my world but.............I just don't see the good. People I knew in college criticized me in that I need to own a house and have kids to be something while I looked at how tired they were and how boring their conversations got. I didn't understand why I was a failure to them but sometimes it adds up. There is just no way in hell I'd want to join the Nascar loving 5 kids running around while the 300 pound wife pulls the thong outta her shit stained ass in which there is constant worry she might weigh more than the pickup truck. I'll quietly read more of Bram Stoker's "Dracula."

And so there you have it. I have a tendency to feel like a fuck-up and then some while people I try to avoid seek me out. While I lied to start a little something, it doesn't make me feel any better. Even a lovely late night viewing of Dog Soldiers didn't do it since I ended up waking up from a dream that I was running through the Highlands Of Scotland as I was chased by a pack of werewolves. While I got away thanks to the amount of nudity involved (Who knew werewolves laughed at the sight of a large penis flying all about?), it still spooked me.

Editor: "Not as much as The View's showing of Star Jones talking with an investigator about the difference between seminal stains and vaginal stains in underwear in order for women to catch their husbands cheating. Just hearing Miss Jones tell us that she EXPECTS semen in her husband's undies was close to the effect of me eating a tomato."

- - 2009-07-07

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