To all of you that laugh at my infatuation or insane lust for Keira Knightley, I blow raspberries at you. And to all that say she cannot act, I fart in your general direction because guess what? Keira got an Oscar nomination for her role in Pride & Prejudice! As much as I am happy for her, I'd hate to have her win and then go all Hollywood on us because she really is the lone beauty that doesn't need to whore herself out.

Examples: Jammie Foxx and his ego. Blech! I hate him now as I hope Cuba makes a comeback by taking over all his roles.

Halle Berry. Never understood why people loved her. I don't even find Halle that attractive. $20 million does not an actress make. I'd love to see an Oscar winner continue making little movies.

I got tagged by Lu-Lu on what I've got to say is a rather creative question that I cannot resist. I've spent many minutes thinking here and there as to how to answer. Remember that this is my dream and no one else's but comments are welcome. I love insanity and put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

Dream Date Week: You select a celebrity for each day of the week plus an alternate in case said person is in prison for the usual crap of what celebrities do. You just know that it could be snorting coke off a hooker's tits or exposing one's self at P.Diddly's party. Good thing Tara Reid isn't in here, huh?

All dates end up in a major bonkfest guaranteed! Who else wants to see some titties?

Sunday: We will start a lovely Sunday morning by waking up to Jessica Alba knocking on my window telling me to haul ass as we go on a rather abrupt date. Apparently, dreams do come true while watching Into the Blue for the 14th time and, yes, it gets better every fucking time I see it! Damn, folks, let it go!

Our date starts at the local costume shop started by a magician. Into the little dressing room I go to watch the lovely Jessica's curves sample each new form of clothing. Picture me in a daze as I watch each little French maid outfit drop to the floor while she bends over to pick pick up said clothing. It's sad. Really.

At some point, I awaken from my tired self with a massive throbbing boner that Jessica promptly takes a gander over and decides the the nurse outfit is best for this kind of thing. Trust me. It only gets worse.

I end up in nothing but chaps and a cowboy hat. The cowboy hat is on but it's not on my head. Understand? Think really hard while Jessica and I walk out of the store.

Alternate: Angelina Jolie

Monday: Mila Jovovich (actress from Resident Evil that found herself blowing up zombies) comes over to my house in ripped fishnet stockings and a short skirt. So, I've seen too much of Resident Evil. Sue me. On to the massive black leather couch Mila sits as she challenges me to long game of Gamecube's Super Smash Bros. The point is to destroy your challenger's character. I am Link. Mila is Bowser. I die because zombie killers are so much better than I.

Alternate: Liz Phair

Tuesday: Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars's lead actress) and I meet up in the local library. Oh, c'mon, libraries are very sexy because there are...........BOOKS! Anyway, after an hour of acting out children's stories where I pretend that a local homeless person's latest saw dust filled puke is a lily pad, Krisen and I sit down at a long table filled with people in deep reading. One smile from Kristen is all I need.

Huge deep major discussion on whether lemmings were Republican or Democrat while commiting suicides begins. Kristen would stand up at some point as 10 minutes have passed. People stare in disbelief as the argument then turns to how much milk a person can shoot out of their nose with pinpoint accuracy. People begin to leave or stare in disbelief. Fingerpointing by yours truly and a major smoochfest ensues with crowd now clapping. Kristen and I now moon everyone.

Alternate: Jena Malone

Wednesday: Laetita Casta (France's favorite supermodel) pulls up to my house in the 50's Batmobile (I just love it when girls drive) while the Miami Vice theme plays rather loudly. Handjob happens on 4th and Elm. Very happy and relaxed.

Goth club patrons look on in horror as Laetita and I enter dressed in white shirts with large smiley faces on them. We turn around to show that we are not exactly like that as the back of the shirt shows smiley face now being beaten with a large mallet under the caption: "Fuck Wal-Mart." Much clapping as I start my pathetic white boy dancing that ends up looking like a hamster having a spaz attack. I lose a shoe.

We just go nuts! Laetita does her best sexy dancing while I crawl around looking for my lost shoe. Someone has now spanked me. I am now relaxed and forget about the shoe. Much drinking ensues and Laetita ends up at my house watching Duck Tales.

Alternate: Asia Argento

Thursday: Eliza Dushku rings my doorbell. I open the door to find her in her Bring It On cheerleader outfit doing that crazy move found in the movie's scene where we first see her in that outfit. "Sexy mama!" Look, to be honest, I have no idea how I'd control myself at this point so I just mace myself.

Mini golfing or "putt-putting" is what our date is all about. Eliza and I are evenly matched because I am pretty good but she can use her bad girl moves to distract me. Cheerleader outfit = no concentration. Again, I mace myself.

Each putting motion is impossible as Eliza either moons me or squats over a hole with knees impossibly spread. A bet was placed that whoever loses on each hole has to do a naked cartwheel. Guess who has to worry about indecent exposure laws?

Alternate: Martina Hingis

Friday: Lauren Michelle Hill (Playboy Playmate) comes by to order me to get my butt to the Playboy Mansion with her. It's the Midsummer Night's Dream themed party and I am wearing only a large leaf to cover myself. Forgot my cowboy hat but pretty much everyone is naked.

I watch my first real live orgy in the Playboy Mansion's grotto while Lauren kisses me all over my dream stated body. At this point, I am upset for forgetting to bring a camera but all is better after I am ordered to forget about the scene and get on my knees to please Lauren's swollen strawberry.

Alternate: Christina Aguilera

Saturday: My dream! My dream! For I am a prince in a far off kingdom that has grown up with the lovely princess only a few hours away. Our many times of flirtation has taken its toll as I am off to the Ball with Keira Knightley. That weekend stuck on a deserted Island with Captain Jack Sparrow caused her to have so many masturbation fantasies of me that her fingers are worn out.

I, dressed in my best suit consisting of the world's finest threads take the hand of the future queen as we dance in a large ballroom to the awe of many onlookers. Around and around we go as older women marvel at how much better I have gotten since that day spent in the goth club looking for my shoe. Now, I could have sworn that 1 of those ladies smacked my still sore bottom but can't quite figure out which.

Most of my time spent on the floor is just smiling into Keira's face as I am all too happy. We've known each other for what seems like ages while running around acres of wild lands. Neither of us had a fear of nudity as we skinny dipped together. Nothing funny happened but Keira and I kissed and lauged at my "shrinkage." Major lovemaking of epic proportions that even a Harlequin cannot fathom ensues.

Alternate: Monica Belucci

Oh, can I quit now? I'm a little worn out as this was a tough but amusing question of fantasy. I've played around with this very question when I told Sara that I'd sure as hell allow her a good bonkfest with Trent Reznor. You can see from my dates (if you can call them that....) that I have a thing for women that aren't well as well-known. No Jessica Simpsons or Paris Hiltons, please. Give me a zombie killer or an off Broadway actress and I'll be happy. Give me a fair maiden that will defend herself while enjoying rum and you get the major idea.

So, who am I tagging? I get three, right? Hiss would be a great start as she has a tendency to want to spank a lot of guys. I'd certainly love for Sara to have a go on this. I don't think Sammy does this type of thing so I'll pass it on to Slow-Poke. Wonder what Summer has come up with if she's willing........

- - 2009-07-07

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