"Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?"

"Nope, just me, baby. Just me."

-Army Of Darkness (or Evil Dead 3)

I nearly cried. Due to something that has been slowly growing in my DVD collection, various DVDs are dying. There are times where I must keep an eye on that latest batch to be hit by this dreaded DVD rot. Of all the DVDs this shit had to hit, it had to start on my Smashing Pumpkins Video Collection.

Again, I nearly cried.

The SP Video Collection is sitting safely near my TV as I am scared to give it a spin to see how much damage it's taken. In case you don't understand why this DVD means a lot to me, I love "1979" and a few others that Billy Corgan played his heart out for. Yes, I saw him in concert with the Pumpkins on Halloween night way back when as a little known band named Garbage opened for them. Of course, when Shirley Manson took the stage, there were tears coming down my face as THIS little woman took complete command with that mic like I'd never seen before.

Don't know what DVD rot is? Well, you have to store your DVDs in the right temperature (not too hot and not too cold) in an environment that doesn't scratch it. The DVD books I store about 1,800 (yes, you read that right) were good and bad. The cheap books are the ones that allow the rot to spread.

To see DVD rot, it's basically what your DVD will look like if you blew your breath on it except it doesn't go away. It'll slowly build up to overtake the whole damn disc at some point. My Smashing Pumpkins Video Collection looks like complete shit all over so you'd expect me to be worried since I can't have Dolby Digital blaring out:

"On a crowded street, you and I should meet...."

So, I have spent the last 4 hours on damage control by pulling out all the DVDs that mean a lot to me, those that I can watch over and over and over. Want some examples and, yes, I'm sure I'll get criticism as Sara does her best to let me have it.

1. Dog Soldiers (Glorious and intact with British soldiers making a last stand at a farmhouse while a pack of werewolves try to force their way in. It is so fucking good and full of British slang so lyric up to understand what a telly is.)

2. Old School (Every male has a copy. You've most likely seen it. Now go streaking with Frank the Tank.)

3. Fight Club (Oh, lord, where do I begin on the beauty that has bestowed me?)

4. The Hole (Keira Knightley and her tiny tits. Do I need to say more but it's also special because I got it in Canada before the U.S. even thought about it.)

5. Le Pacte Des Loups or Brotherhood Of the Wolf (Martial arts and a mysterious beast. Monica Belucci's breasts are shown as hills of beauty.)

6. Flash Gordon (If you don't know Queen's "Flash! Ahhhhhhh!", I will not like you. The music and the looniness of a football hero taking on Ming the Merciless is what I love. Go, Flash, go! This DVD is not produced in the U.S. anymore while the UK got a new version.)

7. Disturbing Behavior (Critics hated it but I found it quite unique while being so dark at the same time. Plus, it's got little Katie Holmes before she went pyscho.)

8. Resident Evil 1 and 2 (I've seen these so many times that, again, I don't know where to begin at how good Mila Jovovich is! I'm totally your bitch when you have a woman carrying a massive gun to save the world. Plus, the first one has Michelle but she died. Poop.)

9. Kingpin (Bill Murray. His hair. I cry everytime my favorite line comes up prior to Ernie's hair problems. "So, what have you been doing all these years?" *thinks to himself* "Drinkin?")

10. The Nightmare On Elm Street boxset and the Alien box set (Nobody did it better than Alien, Aliens, and the first 3 Nightmare On Elm Streets. Freaked me the fuck out when it came to wondering just what Freddy Kreuger was back then. He was such a mystery until they ruined it all by making him a joke. Aliens? So many quotes. So little time as I get all worked up over Hicks and Hudson (Am I gay?).

Bonus: The Virgin Suicides (Beautiful narration of girls doomed to die. The book and the movie made me feel like I was floating while Air's "Playground Love" played on. Of course, I will never know what it's like to be a 13-year-old girl.)

That's just a small taste of the DVDs I had to move out to stop DVD rot getting on my faves. Gia, my Evil Dead 2 is safe and sound while I do need the first 1 and Army Of Darkness. Yes, there are a few classics missing. Plus, I can picture you laughing at my taste as Sara sure as hell will when viewing my collection. I've even taken my other music video collections to keep them safe. George Michael's (I go nuts for "Father Figure"), The Corrs ("Breathless" and so many more), and my Sade. You cannot go wrong on making love to the music of Sade as "The Sweetest Taboo" or "Smooth Operator" plays.

Oh, dear me as I get all wound up to thinking of being in the missionary position while "Your Love Is King" plays thanks to Sade. Forget all that rap shit! This woman knows how to instruct men on how to make love to their girlfriends/lovers/wives.

Sade: "Your love is king. Crown you with my heart."

Good gravy, Sara you need to be here as I am so in the mood for Sade to play in the background while a slow thrusting is in order.

Okay, I know I am going to get some laughs as to my movie taste but remember this is just a small portion of what I had to move out, find the DVD case, and then place in a safe shelf. Sammy should be here with tissues to console me as I have to deal with a possible death to my Smashing Pumpkins Video Collection.

To close this off, a quote that I may need:

"Gimme some sugar, baby!"

Happy twats all around as I march to a possible breakdown. Tomorrow, I just might tell you all I've learned from women or what I find sexy about sex.

- - 2009-07-07

Love Facebook - 2009-05-07

Retards Away! - 2009-02-16

Jackasses! I Sees 'Em! - 2008-11-28

My Birthday Happened - 2008-09-07