-What a little girl yelled down to her mother when my mom was visiting after being asked to come downstairs.

There is a list that all pet owners know about because it's based deep inside our brains. All are based on reality and if you've ever owned animals, it's inevitable that they come up be it Monday or Friday. The bigger the animal, the bigger the issue.

Of course, a pet's death is the worst on the list. For me, I don't know what I'd do if I came across 1 of the 5 Yorkshire Terriers emitting no breath. I'd probably break down in some way since I am so used to 1 or 2 greeting me once I walk in the door. Yes, they are noisy and no matter how much my family playfully yells out how we'd like to throttle them, it's just us kidding around. 5 minutes after being mad at little Buffy for driving me nuts on letting me know how many people are out walking, I'm on the floor playing with her or tugging around with a chew toy.

While the second is obviously an animal's sudden sickness, the third is what we pet owners face year-round, "poopy-butt." Oh, don't get me started on how much I dread this issue as dogs taking massive dumps suddenly come at you with a dingle-berry or 2. It's hard to avoid that wagging tail when you know there is something majorly gross behind it.

It's funny how no matter how bad the shit is, you love 'em for it. My dogs have a hilarious outlook when it comes to what we like to call "explosions" on the rear front. Buffy will sit, just sit all day and night on the floor as she hates the dreaded visit where I have to put her in the sink and run water on her ass. Yes, that's what I did tonight when I got home from a boring night in the gym. Excitement doesn't get much better than washing my dog's little ass.

However, it is cute to do this. Buffy knows not to run around or she'll get hurt falling off the sink that I put her on. The other half is on the counter watching me as I mutter obscenities on how much toilet paper I need or finding a towel that will immediately find itself nowhere near the bathroom afterwards. One look at those sad eyes and I forget just how many "fucks" I said.

Well, I guess you can say that my life pretty much has my dog in it, Buffy. Yesterday, she pee'd on me when getting excited over the fact that it was dinner time. Tonight, it was how her ass resembled the end of a cigar after a long smoke.

Pets, you can add to this list with how many times one of them has farted in my face (something Sara's cat did on my last visit) or my dog, Ellie-Mae, and the expression on her face when Mom dropped a meatball in front of her:

"What..........the!?! My prayers have been answered!"

One of the most amazing things I had ever seen was my ex, Kristan's, dog would wait in the tub for a cleaning. Nevermind the fact that she was all over the rented house looking for materials to clean. He stayed in there until the job was done. Mine sit in the sink with sad facial expressions so it's good to know I have some kind of authority.

And so I have been debating all day about what I like to see in porn. Surprisingly enough, I have yet to figure it all out since I guess I like to view them like I do movies, I want something that moves me. We can always label that "movement" in my pants but you'll have to remember that while I am easily turned on by ponytails (seriously........I am), there is very little to get my attention. As many times as I've seen lovely vaginas, a man can get a little pickier as time wheres on.

So, how can I inform you as to what turns me on in porn? I'll most likely have to tell it in graphic detail in the near future so beware of all the sauciness and filthiness since I'm quite honest. Most men cannot give you a real account other than there being visions of pussy, lots and lots of lovely pussy on display. I'd like to think I enjoy more than this in porn since I go for more than just cum shots and penetration over and over.

Besides, the history of your own personal interest in porn is, I'm sure, a doozy. We all remember our first time coming across pages of various things like how I didn't understand why I had a very warm feeling overcome me thanks to the picture of a woman raising her dress. "Why is she not wearing underwear?" might have been a response but, looking downward, I learned that walking forward with a massive willy is difficult.

Of course, I'm curious as to how girls come across porn. There are plenty of fantasies that play in my head as she sees her first angry throbbing penis. Does she say to herself, "Wonder what that tastes like" or "Did I once have one of those yet it fell off?" I know for a fact from my ex's that they enjoyed porn in some way.

Whatever you fancy, just know that no one is turned on at the same things you are. For one thing, I'm just not into seeing women with their faces layered with massive amounts of jizz dripping down. My first instinct would be to get the dame a towel and break the toes of the guys that did that. Oh, well. We'll save that discussion for another time and place as I warn you that I am rather graphic in my language.

I never promised you a rose garden, folks.

- - 2009-07-07

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