-O' Brother Where Art Thou?

So, this Academy Awards was the second lowest since 1987? Actually, I don't give a shit since the fact that people only started watching after Jon Stewart's monologue just shows me how little people actually try to think. Jon was the highlight of the whole night, man.

Sammy, you asked why Jessica Alba was there? Well, I wondered that, too, but I also got furious when I found out Paris Hilton attended. If the Oscars wanted class, that sure as hell wasn't it.

My whole thing is that, yes, I am fine with Keira Knightley not winning Best Actess as I would worry she would go too Hollywood for my taste (is that better, Sammy?). Why is it y'all make fun of her for her voice and face? Geez, Keira's British and even I can talk funny like that. Plus, oh, she's gorgeous! No more Keira put-downs. This has got to stop but wouldn't it be completely orgasmic if she had a major role in V For Vendetta?

I hate the Oscars, in case you wanted to know. 3 6 Mafia winning for best song? Crash as Best Picture? Jon Stewart will most likely get blamed for the low ratings but I like him a lot while he did the kind of humor that had you think a little. No pompuous shit that seems to happen too often when it comes to the Oscars. Movies are for entertainment and do not change the whole world. Brokeback Mountain............

I spent a weekend hearing from my boys down south about how they will never see this movie. There is a lot of homophobia down there as the word "fag" gets thrown around a lot. I'll admit to it being hard to sit there and listen to this shit but it's Bald-O's view along with just about everyone around him so I cannot change that.

It's funny how on each visit I get picked on just a little on my views. One of the major ones is how I love to orally service girls all while being as proud as I can be. That all happened thanks to getting completely drunk in college and then just blurting out how much I love to eat pussy. The room goes quiet and everyone stares at me in disbelief.

"It's gross!"

"Pussy smells!"

"Girls are dirty down there."

Happily, none of that went on this weekend as Brokeback Mountain seems to be making its case known that cowboys just might be a little gay. Well, down south of here, guys ride horses so feelings are tender as to a possibility that another guy might not be looking at the horse's butt but the cowboy's.

On a completely unrelated note: A woman in my gym was totally staring at my package. Oh, it was hilarious to be walking to the locker room to change only to see this lady staring at my crotch. Of course, it was then that I realized that I did have a bit of bulge showing. I didn't care since I'm fine with people knowing the color of my calvins or what flops around as I walk.

All in all, this weekend, I did have a good time. It's been a while since I've been that drunk because the only liquids you are allowed to down are beer and more beer. Besides a Hi-C, that's all I had and found that my tolerance isn't too bad. Downed a lot with no hangovers. Pat this lil' man on the back but don't make it too obvious that you're thinking about Sara's mentioning about how large my balls are.

These guys can eat. It's absolutely filthy what Bald-O consumes but that's life on 40 acres of beautiful land. Hot dogs prior to preparing ourselves for the use of a smoker. I'm not sure if that was the first time using a smoker but those 4 hours of waiting paid off. I hate pork chops but what Bald-O did to them was so good, a large pile of them. I'm more of a chicken type o' guy but looking to drop on over the other side of the fence.

As for karaokeing, there was a lot. You know the drill. Bald-O does his drunken "Unchained Melody" like a champ while I attempt to do Deana Carter's "We Danced Anyway." Special props to me for also attempting Shania Twain's "You're Still the One" since, yes, I love that song. I'm still curious as to why there is so much homophobia when Bald-O finds himself looking into my eyes and telling me how he needs my love.

The cheerleaders? I have no idea where they came in but Bald-O's little brother along with his friend brought them over to the trailer. There was an ex-cheerleader among them that soon had me witness the mating ritual of the southern male.

What is it about a girl's beauty that makes men just lose it? 1 of those cheerleaders was stunning! The other was very pretty but the guys could not take their eyes off that one. It was like a battle for her attention as she sipped her Smirnoff's Ice. Oh, it was a lovely drink as I got offered 1 by her.

Southern guys are pretty damn pathetic in their attempts to win a woman's attention. Bald-O's brother's friend was trying so hard to get the ex-cheerleader to go home with him. The battle was so uphill that I laughed and even got the boy a little red-faced. Never fuck with me or I'll get you back.

"You know, he's hoping to fuck you?"

I said those words to the ex-cheerleader. Both were embarassed but the guy's face was completely red. He had teased me about something so I just had to blurt that out. At least, the poor lad walked it off by doing signs that he would do her doggie style. Wow, now that is the best way to win a girl over, sign language as to how horny a guy's intentions are. 3 6 Mafia was right. It is hard to be a pimp.

The attempts for a southern male to seduce a woman are hilarious if not pathetic. He will most likely be drunk, smoking, or chewing. Some, do all three at once as I'm sure girls get turned on seeing beer cans being used as spitting cups. Just about everyone down there has to have chewing tobacco or it's a no go on feeling cool.

You see why I just cannot fathom living down south with my boys? I don't fit in for the 200something beer cans located on the washing machine in the trailer is just not me. No spitting cups or beer cans for me. Bathroom reading is non-existent since reading is, like, so hard to do while pooping. No culture is in that trailer. No books of any kind but ones that Mama hopes you would read only to end up used as bug squashers while pooping. Toilet paper is hard to find so I've felt sorry for any girl that has pee'd in that trailer. Just how do I fit in here?

Do you know the character, Frank the Tank, from that movie, Old School? That's Bald-O and then some. I visit the trailer smelling nice only to end up leaving feeling like I'm worse than the stains in Anna Nicole's drawers when being told there will be a pre-nup.

As much as I sound like I'm dissing, I love my boys. They're a very tight crew of loyalty you can't find anywhere else. We tease a lot so that's built quite a lot of toughness within me. As Sara told me, I needed a break from all that estrogen and find myself within some testosterone. Only here is it a good excuse for me to watch Britney Spears's god-awful movie, Crossroads, just because of the scene where she dances around in her underwear to Madonna's "Open Your Heart." Bald-O has his DVR set for this, something that could be defined as a motion picture destined for greatness.

It's hard to find a loyal bunch of friends these days since people seem to find anger over the smallest things. That's why I'm lucky that no matter how many times the guys tell me I am stupid for loving the joys of orally pleasing a girl's swollen pussy or the countless number of times the word "faggot" is thrown around to describe homosexuals, we respect each other's views as being different. The tongue biting I have to do when they throw out their garbage is what really gets to me, though, since I cannot stand littering.

The one thing that the guys get better than anyone I've ever known is the art of conversation. You should always pull up a chair since you're going to be deeply thrown into stories, some disgusting and offensive, but they are hilarious. Every southerner knows someone that knows someone that got caught with his/her pants down in the woods. There's a reason we call Bald-O's ex-girlfriend, "Wet Spot." I'm the lucky name giver.

So, I am outta here since I have not fully recovered from the lack of sleep. Yessirree, I passed out flat on my face Saturday night since karaokeing tends to do that to me. The living room floor looked mighty inviting as I giggled my way to deep thoughts on how I can embarass a southerner's attempts to get laid. Happy twats all around.

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