-The Rachel Papers

In the past 5 hours, I have had a discussion on boobs and had to pick up barf from a Yorkshire Terrier. Which do you wanna know first?

Don't you just love it when your pet barfs? One minute everything is all fine and dandy as her tail wags while eating some of the finest doggy cuisine around. Turn your back for just a few seconds. Listen to the sound of a loud retching. Come back in to find the dog looking up at you with the "I'm so sorry" look we all know and love.

In this case, I put Ellie-Mae in the sink to wait on me as I put out snacks for Buffy. Yes, this is a typical night in putting the dogs down to sleepy time. They're gathered up in a herd, all 5 of them, a nightly Yorkie round-up for the completely stupid in owning 5 of the noisiest creatures this planet could ever create. Well, they are cute as Ellie-Mae can attest to while munching on snacks prior to bazooka barfing over the sink's counter.

We treat our dogs like children and, yes, you can find this whole family talking to each one. When Buffy begins here usual weezing as I carry her up the steps (spoiled?), I order her to stop all that noise. Why do I talk to my dogs? Because they all look at me when I do so. It's a pet owner thing but at least they listen.

So, boobs? Once again, I don't get the male fascination with these things. Fun-bags? Tits? Titties? Melons? Whatever your name for them, I'm just not getting how the male population has such a deep fascination and tendency to stare as women walk by.

The reason I'm talking tits again is that a visit to my old boss, Doug, always insists on discussing them. Somehow, he heard that Scarlett Johannson was voted number 1 in the sexiest women of the world pole. Doug's reasoning is that she has some of the biggest titties around as that makes it alright with him. When I was working there, you should have seen how Doug's eyes just lit up if a woman with a nice pair walked in.

I'm not dissing breasts at all. They are quite nice to look at as well as to play with but to award women on them is odd to me. I'm not into Pam Anderson or Jessica Simpson as many of their fans love these 2 just for the mammary glands given to completely talentless individuals. I cannot imagine what would happen if Paris Hilton got a pair.

While looking up various discussions on actresses, a line was left that suits what I like in breasts. "Champagne glass." Now, that is a good way of putting the size of breasts I like. No gigantic hooters or "door knockers" that make 85% of the male population drool. Nosirree, I like small little breasts that barely make a handful as I play with them.

I'm not even dissing the girls with large breasts. Some are quite nice as well since there are certain girls that look good with these types. Take the character of Lara Croft from Tomb Raider. Angelina looked nice taking on the baddies while faced with a cup runneth over in bra size. I enjoy smart women so I'd just have to "motorboat" while she talks of discovering Tut's tomb and possible murderer.

It's sad when women put so much emphasis in their breasts. To me, and this is honest, as long as they aint sagging, they are cool as hell whatever size you have. Just don't take offense on the fact that I am not going to stare at them if you so decide to go topless while joining me in a hot tub. Glance? Sure but stare? No.

Tits. Good grief, you can go all over with that topic since it just seems to bring men's attention spans to an all new level. I've got a large enough chest that people tend to stare at while wishing it was a little smaller. My inner pectoralis could come out more but, again, brushing teeth while Sara plays with my pecs is amusing. We make everyday activities a little more silly.

FYI: I love to lick nipples. Now go talk about this amongst yourselves while calling me a complete freak for not being so into tits but nipples instead. Flicking them with my tongue is fun! Fun, I tell ya!

Of course, my conversation with Doug wasn't all tits but Sopranos and who's going to be in the newest issue of Playboy. See? It feels great that there is a place that can give me a little masculinity as even I can get tired of talking "girl-talk" far too much. I've shared my feelings with everyone while yesterday was spent discussing shaving habits with Kim. Apparently, she does not shave her legs but bush and underarms are a must. Kim's on a man-hunt due to wanting some swollen cock in her.

Sometimes, I have a little power over the geeks as they would drool when finding this out. My old workplace just got 10 Xbox 360's in. I could have 1 on reserve for myself but I'm not a gamer. Yes, this overpriced and overhyped machine is still huge as there is going to be a line. Would be nice to buy 1 and sell it for $200 more so Sara and I can go out to dinner where we can dress nice.

Another sign the world just sucks? American Idol killed Veronica Mars in the ratings as the show will have to be moved. Why people would watch idiots selling themselves to even more idiotic people just shows how dumbed down this world is getting. Tits drive men nuts but seeing people sing bland songs while having kids grow up thinking this is how to become a music artist? I'd understand that maybe you don't have a taste for detective shows but do I need to remind you that informative ones like Anderson Cooper 360 is out there?

*Gotta thank Sammy for mentioning this show as last night's discussion was on shocking therapy for teenagers.*

I'll tell you this. I wish cable companies would give you a list of TV channels you'd actually watch. The Sci-Fi Channel is first on my list along with HBO and The Horror Channel. Playboy would be fun to have since they have a show where they go around talking about various sex practices in the world. Wanna know what your saucy Aussies are up to? Can the Brits find a more raging bag of hormones than Austin Powers?

- - 2009-07-07

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Retards Away! - 2009-02-16

Jackasses! I Sees 'Em! - 2008-11-28

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