-"Don't Be Stupid" by Shania Twain

As much as I'd love to go into various forms of debauchery, I've been a little a little bit all over the place today. A part of this is my own joining in on the voicing of how bad American bookstores are. That would explain why I felt like an illiterate, something pretty much all teens are on their way to becoming, as I spent so much time looking for 1 book that the computer told me was in there.

Alas, I am just about done with Sara's "Lirael" by Garth Nix. Not bad. If you like dead guys that run after you as the permanent loss of ball sacs have made them angry, this book's for you. There's something odd about how I'm loving how strong the female lead character seems to be getting as the book rushes on. Plus, you've got a talking cat named "Mogget" while the talking dog that adds to the humor. People that talk to their animals are strange.

FYI: I am strange.

Do you like weird statistics? I, do, too! Aren't these things an odd find as you can just burst out saying "3 out of 4 dentists choose Trident thanks to the 4th not making it there due to falling asleep in a young lass's lap where he found it too damn good to leave."

I'm not sure where I got this one but 2 out of 10 men are chubby chasers. Isn't that a hoot? I always thought of guys that loved their girls on the large size to be well-knowledged in computer language while a secretly hidden tattoo in Italics strangely looks to say "PIZZA" gives them away.

What really makes me get into all this is that I find so many black men that love big white girls. I mean, you can have an ass that can sit in Texas while the other cheek is gently resting in Australia and black men will shout out for you to shake it like they do in all rap videos. Just look in the back of some of those rap magazines and you'll see what this lil' white boy is talkin' about. The only chubby chasing white guys are those that played football, preferably big linemen.

I don't know too many large gals out there. Hey, I said "gals!" Aren't I cool? The few I did know were pursued but their negative was in the waiting period for a freshly produced chubby chaser to arrive. Becca was the one that was chased the most as her personality just drove a lot of guys to her at one point. C, my friend that was dying to lose her virginity, finally settled down with a guy she met in the bookstore she worked at. So, 2 out of 10 men are chubby chasers. Does that sound right?

FYI: I hate pimps, especially those that dress like green leprachauns.

According to my own survey, there is a 2 out of 10 chance that I will have a woman's magazine in my stack that I read in bookstores. The chance goes up when Keira Knightley is about to have a new movie released. I'm not afraid to prance around with a copy of Vogue while people shout out:

"Hello, sailor!"

Nope, I read a few women's mags all because they are gosh darn unintentionally funny. It seems like Cosmopolitan finds a new sex position every year while telling girls how to live their lives. So sad but I avoid these.

What I like to read are of the slightly alternative variety like I.D. or something like Nylon as any interview with porn stars far beats another bland Nick Lachey interview. By the way, I was not discussing that it's more fun to read porn stars' "hair issues" (wink wink) but just to show how I like things on the wild side. Don't you notice how stars are so protective in what they say as publicists will feed them the information. Plus, who wants to offend anyone, really? I'd probably be a spot of fringed hair if I read how Hoobastank enjoys a good nose picking right before they take the stage because it's better when they do it together.

I asked Sara if she'd feel embarassed with a book that heavily details how much sex is inside. No issues as I, too, could walk around with a copy of Playboy with ease. I've seen some guys show so much caution, even while picking up a copy of Glamour (might be for girlfriend or might not). Weird because I see so many women getting their hands on guy magazines while I thumb through GQ or Esquire.

Yes, I know you are so going to comment on all this, Samantha. Remember, you are gorilla. I am banana. We chase in park to cause small children to cry. Mission accomplished? Banana chase gorilla.

The next one is a sad one. 1 out of 6 women is raped. I didn't realize it was that high as only a few of my female friends have experienced this. One of my ex-girlfriends was raped by her dad, a very religious dad, by the way. You can do as many Take Back the Nights as you want but this'll only happen if both sexes can learn to stop being such idiots.

On nights where I had to walk back late from a meeting or my own drinking, I'd come across various women walking/stumbling all alone while wearing hardly a thing. This is completely stupid but I'm not one to tell you what to wear while it's 10 degrees and all you have is a skirt and obviously no bra.

Guys? Some are so dumb that it's their feeling that if women are dressed sexily, it's all for him, the guy staring far too much. There are people out there that will hurt you as I see in the news that girls are still getting into the cars of strangers or insisting on a meeting after a chat room talk.

So, that's all the statistics I have for you fine folks. I've spent time in the gym, read a lot of "Lirael," chased my dogs, finished that majorly weird movie called House Of 1,000 Corpses, and felt like an idiot in the bookstore. Doesn't get much better than that as I filled up my car in order to get ready for my trip to Indiana coming up. The only thing that shocked me was finding out that my dad has paid $25 for gas in the last 4 months. Lucky shit so hopefully I get a discussion on porn tomorrow. Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

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