-The Family Guy

As much as I hate the town I live in, what with all the crime on the rise thanks to Chicago kicking them out only find them here or how the Republicans seem to outnumber those of us that think, I do love how I have 3 bookstores to choose from. Plus, it's so easy to navigate around, 3 main streets all lead to some of the main parts of our town.

What makes my town even better is how the stupid keep making themselves known. A 27-year-old man failed his first attempt at obtaining a driver's license today. The reason? He crashed the car right through the main office of the DMV. No joke. Right through the damn place and even injured a woman working there. Does anyone else remember that ugly woman in the 80's film, License To Drive?

Evil DMV Lady: "You failed, Mr. Anderson."

My mom and I had quite a laugh over this man's attempt to get a license only to crash his car into the DMV office. It would take real big balls to ask if he could try it again. Somehow, I think I'd do just that but I got my license on the first attempt. It took only 2 days, 3 friends screaming, and a 70mph left turn to end up with my car in the bushes right in front of a business.

I hate bodybuilding season. Hate it. Hate it! My final minutes in the gym find me avoiding the various guys practicing their poses in the locker room. You'll find them pulling up their shorts til it looks like thongs are being worn just to pose in the mirror or pictures. Yes, the pictures help document how good the pose is. What you don't see is my laughter at how stupid this thing is and, no, bodybuilding is not a sport.

Tonight's pain was, of course, BB Nick, our 2nd in command. Frank, the guy I mentioned earlier, is the best of the best while Nick is very close. I'll admit that no matter how many times I've had to deal with bodybuilders, their bodies will always be really, really gross at times. It's just my opinion that the human body is not meant to be overused in such a way, ridding it of water. To give you an idea, BB Nick is 173 pounds while I am 186. I may be taller but he's still underweight.

Oh, but Gay Nick came by the gym in what's been felt like ages. Good guy as I tried to explain what I learned from watching the stoner flick, Grandma's Boy. Gay Nick would have nothing to do with all this since his mind likes to be intellectual rather than fried. Whatever. I just enjoy the loony points in life, like a 35-year-old guy living with his grandma and 2 old ladies only to have a killer party where virgins suddenly are exposed to bare breasts.

Accoring to Gay Nick, my body has taken some good changes thanks to this running on the treadmill gig. I'm more toned so I must be doing something right. Plus, I don't have shin splints and the huffing and puffing are much lower. CNN really does help since it takes your mind off the amount of time. 15 minutes on a treadmill feels like hours, sometimes.

So, I finished up Grandma's Boy, the flick I was talking about above. It had its moments where there was some major geekiness that you just have to laugh at. As I said, it's about a 35-year-old living at his grandma's house thanks to a former roommate's need to spend the monthly rent on Asian hookers. His job? A video game tester that beats all at any game ever made and that includes his friend's greatness at Dance Dance Revolution, a game people have lost a lot of weight playing.

Things I learned from Grandma's Boy:

1). When you and your buddy are really, really too stoned out of your mind to drive, always ask the monkey living in your basement to do so. Not only does it know kung fu to help keep your "good stuff" safe, he will get you to wherever you need to go. Monkeys rule!

2). When having sex with a woman that has done over 3,000 guys, use a condom. It's that number over "2,999" that matters since you just wanna be safe, ya know? Listen to her stories, including that handjob to Charlie Chaplain where he couldn't keep quiet.

3). There will always be nerds obsessed with The Matrix and have to dress like Neo. These people should be ridiculed as much as possible.

4). Virgins will always think that an older gal with notches on her bedpost over 3,000 could be THE woman that invented the handjob. Discuss with others as it's a never ending question.

5). It is never polite to cum on your friend's mom no matter how good it feels.

So, I must say that today was a good one even if there has been never ending rain or the threat of it all day. Weird how I went outside and shivered only to be warm hours later. There is something in the air while New England would tell you that the never ending water must cease.

I swear that a run on the treadmill or in the woods is so good. The feeling of the endorphins spinning all around my head make me so high that it's hard to get me to settle a bit. I become far too talkative for my own good as I tend to scamper all over the place to chat. Once I'm off that treadmill, it's like a wet t-shirt contest and I just got a bucket thrown on me.

Oh, and Florida? You know you have alligators so what's this big fucking shit over making them public enemy number one!?! How stupid are people in Florida to swim in areas that gators are known to roam? 3 women have been killed. I think 2 were joggers while the other was found floating near her home. Alligators are not that aggressive but become that way when you get too close. They're animals and I hate how people make them out to be complete killers when we humans keep taking over their habitats.

I've always seen man versus nature as ridding the world of idiots, like how we just need to let people that stay home during hurricanes stay their own course. Why risk smart people since it's just nature's way of taking out the garbage.

So, I am outta here as my day has been full of thoughts on monkeys taking the wheel and how much better they could drive than a 27-year-old guy taking his test for the first time. Plus, I'm looking a bit better and not afraid of alligators. Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

Love Facebook - 2009-05-07

Retards Away! - 2009-02-16

Jackasses! I Sees 'Em! - 2008-11-28

My Birthday Happened - 2008-09-07