-"Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut (p. 182)

Ever had one of those days where everything is so calm and perfect? As much as I hate to say this, I paid all my own bills for this month and don't mind the fact that I've very little money for this period of time. Why should I be? I smell pretty damn nice after that long hot bath after another amazing run where Cass urged me on prior to her leaving. My friend, Elizabeth, is back in town after missing her for almost 2 years. BB Nick hasn't been in the gym as much so nobody misses his arrogant ass. I can relax a bit, huh? The hard part is that with my mind in such a tranquil state, I miss Sara a lot.

However, something happened today in the locker room. I saw a bare ass. Let me put it to you in more detail to give you an idea as to why this is bad. This ass belonged to Slut Watcher and I just had to learn from his changing right in front of me as I was bent over tying my shoes that this man 'free-balls.'

Editor: "In laymen's term's, this means that he doesn't wear undies, the balls of the male species fly all over the place."

Me being me, all of this learning something I didn't want to know had the funny side come out. Since Slut Watcher likes to joke around with me about his partying on the weekends (Cheeto hand to dick equals orange dick), I just blurted out that, with his knowledge in Nascar (where do these people come from!?!), he probably jerks off with motor oil.

It's always the same in male humor. A masturbation pun or joke comes up and we all laugh about it. I mean, with genitals that look as ridiculous as these, you kind of accept the stroke joke. For me, if I were female, I'd always ask who lit the fuse on so-and-so's tampon if I were mad.

I did learn one good thing out of tonight's workout. Finally, someone that agrees with me that Jack Black's Nacho Libre looks hilarious. The surprising culprit is none other than Gay Nick. Weird because the two of us have totally opposite sides when it comes to humor. Either that or the two of us love a chunky priest trying to woo a nun by clenching his buttocks together so hard.

The World Cup? Americans don't get it. We have no heroes when it comes to soccer but go to Brazil? ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE! Have you seen the type of female cheerleaders this country has? It's one of those "Let's get our tits out for the lads!"

Commentors were talking about how kids grow up playing soccer but, due to peer pressure, they move towards football and baseball. It's all too true as it happened to me. I miss all that insane amount of running when I played soccer around the age of 10. Not only did I love how bloody my knees got while protecting the goalie, I met the girl that gave me my first kiss when she kicked me in the side as I lay there.

Editor: "Always with the assertive women, eh? I bet you'd love a go with Angelina Jolie's 'Jane' character from Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Would have been ironic if this girl, Veronica, had said, "Who's your daddy now?"

But seriously, soccer is just more fun to play than watch. I can understand the boredom from seeing it on TV but, man, you have to understand that your heart beats like a lion's as you prevent the other team from scoring. Too bad my generation is too fat to do a pick-up game. I probably suck now, anyway.

Oh, how that theme does wonders to me. A&E Channel did a look-back at the Superman phenomena as Superman Returns is about to hit the theaters. Unlike the latest X-Men movie, the director, Brian Singer, looks as if he's in love with what he is doing. My kind o' guy as I can't wait to see Superman Returns and see a movie take a comic book and do it the right way. I love the theme song and they're keeping it!!!!!!

FYI: I have the comic where Superman dies thanks to an alien named Doomsday. Yes, he died a while back.

Yeah, the nerd, geek, dweeb, loser, doofus within me comes out once I read about certain characters being brought to life. That's not to say I don't get wide-eyed over the topic of oral sex or the history of porn. It's just that during these days where we are ruled by a fool that thinks he is a Messiah, heroes in comics take us back to a time where there really was justice with hard questions.

Even the person that gives me my haircut was mesmerized at how I can go from the topic on how my ass is now gone and has caused my shorts to fall much lower so my ass crack is very visible all the way to describing how comic book fans get together. I had a good haircut today.

How do you describe to a woman how hard it is for the fashionably-challenged nerd that girls are scary to them? I've seen grown men waiting for the comic shop to open only to get so shy around the occasional girl that comes in. It's weird. My stylist (or "barber") found this so amusing that women can be that scary while the worst is how to ask out a girl.

Then again, my stylist still insists that, with a body like this, I should be a stripper. Keep in mind, this is a very religious woman that always seems to stare at my chest.

Again, I am just so calm right now and wish Sara was here. I hate how there are times where I worry about things while in her presence. It's very weird to be so calm after talking so much all day. Of course, I finished Kurt Vonnegut's "Cat's Cradle" pretty easily due to how weird this satire is written. If you like a story that has a writer wanting to know the life of the guy that created the atomic bomb only to meet a midget, and then inherit a country where, soon after, everyone dies.

Up next? I'm taking a break from classics and went with "The Position" by Meg Wolitzer. As far as I know, it's about some kids that grew up with parents that wrote a major how-to sex book like 'The Joy Of Sex.' The issue is whether these kids, now grown up, want to relive the embarassment of republishing it. You can bet your bottom dollar that I would have. I can talk about pussy, penises, girly juices, assholes, semen, handjobs, blowjobs, fingering, and all that with ease. And girls that I'm friends with are just as bad.

So, I hope I didn't scare you off with the image of Slut Watcher's bare ass but that's life. Sometimes, you end up with a discussion on how you are okay with showing everyone in the world your asscrack. Other times are based on the horror of thinking about my own balls flying through the air while on the treadmill. It's all relative. Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

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