-Gore Vidal

Just when I thought I knew a little too much about Illinois, the great state I live in, along comes news that they are hunting Bigfoot here. Weird. You'd think that with all that crystal meth addicts and gang members plaguing my town that a guy in desperate need of a razor would be at the bottom of the pile. Then again, Ron Jeremy could be visiting again. Nice guy. A little hairy but nice guy.

Then again, if they do capture Bigfoot, I'd like to ask the legend some questions that have to do with my socks. There are 3 individual socks missing mates. How can this be after I, a very neat individual, cannot seem to find them. Do they just end up in some type of twilight zone once they hit the wash? I am weird and so are socks.

Call it criticism or whatever. I've yet to understand why one of my dogs decided to shit near my feet this afternoon. That is so not normal as she'll go off in the grass to my left but today.........I just needed to know I suck.

Plus, the birds have gotten into the act by letting me know I could be a target. You know how there are bad guys that like to send pictures of their victims with crosshair targets? Some bird decided to releave itself with a massive amount of diarrhea on my car's windshield. The terrible part is that it dripped all the way down so it looks like I'm gonna be outside with Windex tomorrow. Hooray for critics! Bad day for Hedgehoggy!

Bird: "I've got a major loaf to abort but we're gonna wait til that bastard with blue eyes washes his car. Let's get everyone on the CB and give him a major hit while Wagner's "Ride Of the Valkyries" plays."

Know why I'm weird today? No, it's not my goofy moment in which I just had to tell Cass to stop yawning since it was making me yawn in turn. Her being in front of me while the 2 of us faced the mirror had an assortment of yawns going.

It's when you find those weird cult classics that have people talking and, yes, I finished that movie I discussed yesterday night, Cemetary Man. I'm not joking that I found it so ridiculous and funny in how the whole movie does not take itself seriously. This, in turn, makes it worthwhile.

First, take a widow that decides to have sex on her dead husband's grave only to have said husband rise out of the grave. Add a mildly retarded sidekick to Rupert Everett's cemetary caretaker that keeps seeing the people he buried knock on his door. Put a dash of headless woman that comes back to life but somehow falls for the retard. Make sure you don't forget about the Cub Scout Troop that died in the bus crash because they'll want to say hi. And, finally, make sure you don't bury a motorcycle guy with his motorcycle because........really. They just want to pick up chick and then eat 'em.

The Cemetary Man was just fun, something we miss from movies. Rupert Everett was awesome as a guy that sits there casually with a gun while on the phone knowing that that knock on the door will most likely be the undead. The only way to stop all this? Shoot everyone, including a nun.

Doctor: "What is she doing on the floor?"

Rupert: "Praying."

Yes, the sex scenes were a little odd but that's what I like. You won't forget the largest areolas ever, found on Anna Falchi. Wow. She's pretty damn beautiful, this Italian girl. Of course, Rupert's on display quite a bit. Zombies. Sex. Guns. It's all good.

Everyone here knows I am fascinated with porn stars even if I don't watch much porn. Fake tits and too much surgery turns me off. It's no wonder I'd rather have a laugh and possible stimulation thanks to a good 70's porno like Debbie Does Dallas while being quite curious over the musical/porno version of Alice In Wonderland.

After many months of waiting, I got my hands on ThinkingXXX by Timothy Greenfield-Sanders. It's basically a photographer that wants to show both sides of what we see when viewing porn stars. The first picture will be of a clothed Tera Patrick while the next will be of her completely nude. What I noticed in the effect this book had on me was how normal all the porn stars felt, regular people you'd pass by on the street.

ThinkingXXX was shown on HBO (What? You think CNN would do this?) a short while back. Major hoots and hollers from me on how this channel allowed a very explicit viewing of how Timothy made this book. This being fair, all porn stars are shown completely nude, male and female, so, guys, you're gonna see a lot of dicks.

How comfortable are you with being nude? What I couldn't help but notice was how comfortable the set was and how each porn star would just walk around completely naked. It would drive me nuts to feel my cock flopping all around as I walked to look at how the pictures turned out. People on the set acted as if they didn't even realize a naked person was next to them.

I like porn stars. I don't care how parts of how I view sexuality are fucked up thanks to being taught by nuns. We need porn stars and I'll tell you again as to why. They're so human and I liked how each one was interviewed about the project. Unlike celebrities and how they hide behind publicists thanks to worries on image, porn stars let it all hang out. How?

Take Nina Hartley, one of the most famous due to her being in the industry for a long, long time. Not only does this woman have an interesting relationship that consists of a husband and girlfriend to share but.........she works out topless with a trainer. If you can stomach a well-toned 50-something year old woman doing lat pull-downs in nothing but a pink thong, she's all yours. The funny thing is that the personal trainer, a middle aged guy, looks embarassed.

Plus, you get to see porn stars work out with clothes, play with their little dogs, and deal with starting their own business involving porn. Most of the show is on how the book was made while interviews happen throughout but it still really gives a humanistic approach to how far the subject of porn has come. Forget the videos. Give me more inciteful moments with a candid approach.

You didn't think I'd leave our dear ol' Jenna Jameson out of this, now did you? She's on the cover with that wicked smile and multi-color-streaked hair. I must be the only guy that isn't attracted to her but actually admire how she has helped place porn. No longer is it about guys ordering women around but also to help bring along the fantasies women have. Control of what happens to a porn star's image in marketing? Jenna helped in that.

There's humor in everything as various women will come to an art show's opening for Timothy Greenfield-Sanders book only to have digital pictures be taken underneath a porn star's giant cock. I'm completely fine with being naked but you can't help but feel a little odd that there is a very public picture of you, warts and all, that old and young see in front of them. Guys must be very proud of the dicks. Wonder how Bigfoot would feel about showing it all.

As for tonight's run......man, I just about felt like I was gonna have a hear attack. It was beating like mad as I did what I set out to do. 17 minutes on a treadmill will make you feel like a million bucks afterwards. Definitely helps to have a story on 98 Degrees playing in front of you. Yes, I got the TV with the entertainment portion as CNN was rerunning shit on that new fad being done with cars, drifting.

FYI: Drifting is where you drive your car sideways at 80 or more miles per hour.

- - 2009-07-07

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