Jack Sparrow: "I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by."

-Pirates Of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest

So, I see that the above movie came out on top this weekend with over $120 million. Interesting as I didn't think it would do that well. At least I can lean back without the worry of not seeing Keira as Miss Elizabeth Swann again. A woman in a pirate's outfit, complete with hat. Somebody's after me heart as a shiver in my boner prompts much annoying pulsating activity.

"Food to make you horny"

I love it when my diary is found under strange Googlin's like this. This question even had me a bit perplexed as to what food makes a person horny. Some say oysters while the trailer park clientele usually muster up beer or moonshine with their deep fried 'tatoes. Peppermint ice cream does have weird properties within me so maybe that's my food to make me horny. Could do without the bloating, though.

For the last 2 hours, I've been thinking about how I want to bow out of Diaryland. I've been here for what? Over 4 years? Geez, you'd think I feel more accomplished after typing out almost 2,000 entries, just about all of them nightly prior to sleep. Doogie Howser is who I remind myself of as he'd have a diary on his computer.

I don't know. What do you think? I love reading other people's thoughts more so than my own. Sure, there are times where I've just gotta get on here and let off some steam or share a laugh. It's those times where I realize I've been on here for as long as I have and find so many people visit my diary that I feel like something's going right. We'll see.....

Okay, your first thought on reading this is gonna make your eyebrow go upright. Just let your mind flow freely that I, Hedgehoggy, learned how to poop in the woods today. Yup, I asked my nature lovin' friend, Cass, how I could survive for long periods of time in the outdoors without an outhouse. The answer I got wasn't what I expected as Cass just blurted out:

"I've taken a shit in the woods."

Allow me to explain the rules of man one last time. We do not want to know girls poop. We don't even want to be told all sorts of things related to this. For all we males know, your food just evaporates and time spent in the bathroom is for mediationaly purposes. The reasoning is simply because some of us eat nearby. You know me. I am a complete pussy eater that is proud of the use of his tongue. Some of the best times of my life were spent between a girl's legs doing my best form of crotch art with tongue.

Now that we have that clear, I learned how to poop in the woods. According to Cass, you simply look for a stable thing to bend over and place your head upon. Basically, it looks like you are slightly bent over. Make sure you are comfy as shit's gonna drop..........literally.

I'm not joking that Cass insisted I learn all of this in the gym. The first 5 minutes in there was a discussion on balance as I was curious how a person can just squat for a period of time. The next thing I know, I'm up against the gym's mirrors with my legs spread to mimic Cass whom is having a great time laughing during this demonstration. I always thought a person should find a log and sit over it while reading the editorial section since that part of the paper usually gets me going.

How To Poop In the Woods:

1). Take off pants and undies but keep socks and shoes on in case you have to run from large furry animals that want to eat you. Just ignore the bunnies that are laughing.
2). Place head up against stable object. A road sign does not count since you don't want to ruin a child's road trip as the parents drive by.
3). Make sure you are bent over but not completely. Otherwise, you will confuse the animals that just so happened to walk by and start a revolution as to how they will poop.
4). Spread your legs, especially if things are gonna get sloppy (Taco Bell, baby!)
5). Give it the ol' heave-ho and a good grip on something if you're about to fall over but keep your eye out for bears and people laughing at you. Ending up on the 'Net as a screen saver is not the way to go.

I learned how to pee on a hill thanks to tons of visits to Bald-O's. You might think that's no big deal but, man, one slip and I'd just keep going while tumbling down. How would I explain myself then? Goin' outdoors is a hell of a lot more dangerous than you think as one girl I know accidently squatted in poison ivy while peeing. Itchy twat, baby.

How many people have friends that have 4 jobs? Slut Watcher and Scott do. Both of these guys have the same reasoning: they want to retire at the age of 50. Bloody hell! Working over 70 hours a week and doing so everyday is not my way of living. Once you reach 50, it's like you'll wonder where it all went when you don't know what to do with yourself. Slut Watcher has another excuse and that has to do with his obsession with watching football. $200 for a season ticket to watch his favorite team, the Dallas Cowboys. I can't stand that team.

So, I am outta here and hoping all of you will take the time to practice the knowledge I am bestowed on y'all. You never know when you'll find yourself in the woods with just a few pens and 1 sock. Watching CBS's Survivor will not save you but you're gonna be a major enjoyment for the animal kingdom. Nature calls and it aint pretty but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

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Retards Away! - 2009-02-16

Jackasses! I Sees 'Em! - 2008-11-28

My Birthday Happened - 2008-09-07