-"What You Know" by T.I.

It was so fucking hot today. How hot was it? I'll give you an idea with my own observations as to what I saw around me today. Some of you will be able to see the humor while others will be scratching their heads.

It was so hot that......

1). My gym was filled with people that looked like they had just been involved in a wet t-shirt party, male and female. A lot of nipples were viewable even through sports bras while various males forgot that the shirt portion used to wipe their faces were still up. Bellies were for all to see.

2). All turds from my 5 adorable Yorkshire Terriers turned into rolled up pieces of charcoal once they touched down onto the deck's wooden surface. I know because I spent time flinging them into the grassy area with the pooper scooper. I'm aware that I might peg someone someday but alas.........not today.

3). Remember Stinky Pakastani? He showed up at the gym but due to the gym's nastier than thou heat (imagine a lot of sweaty bodies close together releasing mucho body heat) I'd stand behind him if he farted. Any type of wind was needed today.

4). It rained but you wouldn't even know it. 5 minutes after, the ground was completely dry and the sidewalk showed no sign of previous wetness. You can imagine a sizzling sound as the rain touched asphalt.

5). I can no longer just take off my shirt and undies. I have to slowly peel them off after a gym session. Hell, I know I'm not the only one as person after person walked around with clothes that looked as if someone had thrown into a pool. Undies had to be wrung out while thongs had to be released from ass cracks by crow bar.

And the Middle East wonders why we view them as violent. All day, it's bombings after a list of casualties once you turn on CNN. It's like nothing is going on in America anymore while 2 sides playing war due to a long ago conflict make things go boom. Sad. I miss Anderson Cooper's telling it like it is while we try to find that mean old polygamist so nicely named "Jeff." Now I've learned too much on what it's like to run for cover when the Israeli police say to run like you've stolen Twinkies from a convenient store.

Did you know that Americans being evacuated from the Middle East must pay for their trip home? Am I the only one that finds it tacky that people either pay on the way or have to sign a promissory note if they don't have the money? I'm pretty sure I'd sign anything just to get the hell away from there. I'd want to go by chopper. Planes I've done. Choppers will be new.

Never found myself feeling sorry for a supermodel. The ones I liked were Christy Turlington, Kate Moss, and Stehpanie Seymour. Those 3 turned out fine but Christy Brinkley's cheatin' husband looking around for something more gets to me. Just Peter's look screams that he is a complete two-faced bastard but Miss Brinkley saw something in him.

If you don't know about this major scandal of the summer (never mind the Middle East or Bush's need to veto stem cell research), Christey Brinkley's husband has been caught with a gorgeous 19-year-old. Well, all the tabloids and various Hollywood talk shows label this as being so important.

"Did they have sex!?!"

"What does Christey Brinkley think!?!"

"Is Billy Joel going to give up crashing into trees to save his ex-wife!?!"

You know what? I've always wondered why Pat O' Brien's scandal didn't get as much hoopla since his was way cooler. That recording of him begging a girl to get with him and a hooker so that they can fuck and do drugs was beautiful. It was so human except one thing. Sadness comes about when you realize that Pat can't even get that event right. Nobody likes him once the camera is off.

Pssst! Ryan Sechrest is gay. Gay Nick says so while I keep questioning how he behaves while presenting on the E! News show.

So, how are you? I'm just getting ready to make my way south where I will live in a trailer with 2 other guys this weekend. Bald-O and his brother make it a 2-income family. I sleep on the floor in front of a 55-inch HDTV. There is something off about having a TV that big while living in a trailer but maybe it's just me.

Been a while since I've found myself around testosterone. You just can't count on gay guys and spending a lot of time with 2 girls in an apartment. Sara and her flatmate are nice to be around but sometimes a male needs to go back to his roots, namely peeing on trees and using 4-letter words to express happiness. Gone are the days where penis size is compared. Hello who cusses better.

I'm quite a cusser so that's not an issue. Saying "fuck" is second nature but I still do my best to behave around Bald-O's mom. She loves me and always wants to talk one-on-one seeing as I get really expressive when I tell a story or 2. Bald-O's mom loved it when I explained female sexuality's downfall where women say they've never done a certain something in bed but we all know it's not true.

If it's bloody hot, life, even for just 2 days, on 40 acres of gorgeous land can be a pain. The only shade comes from trees sporadically around the area but the sun's glare will be there. Mark my words for she will find you and make you sweat out all that beer and 'tatoes. Come to think of it, I take after everyone down there when it comes to talking like them. It's that drawl I love.

Fact: Did you know a fish was recently found with human teeth? No joke. Now it makes my fear of fish more pronounced seeing as they can nibble on me even more so.

- - 2009-07-07

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