-Candy Girl: A Year In the Life Of On Unlikely Stipper p. 24 by Diablo Cody

Obviously, I have given up the fact that I went out and got that book on the life of an unlikely stripper. Why not? The girl has the mouth of a sailor and inner nerd that would rather dance to Def Leppard than slow R & B. Would you even believe that there is that embarassing case of explosive diarrhea at the time Diablo must dance? Just what's a girl to do?

More on that later...........

I'm pretty damn tired but I doubt I'll get any sleep. I dread long drives like they're a point in time where my tongue is forced to lick up fire ants one by one. Do you ever have those dreams? I do but lucky for me the rain has made Illinois a little cooler. How southern guys wear overalls when it's over 90 degrees is beyond me.

Want to know the life of a boy that sees his college friends after a long time away? Here goes:

1). Beer drinking begins. Noon? Damn, we're late! Everyone must have beer in hand.

2). Interrogation process. It goes a little along the bluntness side. "You gettin' any blowjobs?" "Did you cum on her tits?" Don't worry for I will counter by asking Bald-O if he's reached his life's goal of sticking a finger up a girl's butt. Why didn't he do that when he was skinny with a girlfriend? My guess that it was that age where that kind of thing is inappropriate.

3). "You hungry? Let's fire up the grill!?!" Never mind cleaning it. It just means a little extra time in the bathroom on Sunday morning.

4). Bald-O sounds like he's so worried that I'm going to get married. Most of his friends have done gone off and gotten hitched, leaving him with no one to drink with after a good bout of karaoke. I have to assure him that marriage is not in the works.

5). Farting. A lot.......of....farting. This also is where the farter will get up and look under various things, as if a herd of elephants ran through. Now you know why there is a large can of Lysol in the living room in front of the TV and, yes, some of the guests will bend over to get sprayed.

6). Imagine the worst situations for females when it comes to male behavior. You are in a world of sports, obscenities, and a discussion on love of dogs (Bald-O has a dog named "Blue"). It's far worse after 20 beers have been downed.

I'm deeply fascinated by this book, "Candy Girl." Not only is the girl a fellow blogger with a need to say things with 4-letter words, but, dammit, she is fun. The first impression you get is that this is an unlikely candidate for stripping employment. A secret love of Star Trek and knowledge of the cartoon, Thundercats, and I have a hero. Boredom from her 9 to 5 job led the way.

I'm on page 95 of the 200something pages that I just cannot let down. I'll admit that I'm learning quite a bit as to what goes on in the stripping world, some sad and some humorous. What's refreshing is that it's not the same ol' story of boy cheating or stripper gets beat up. It's more like girl meets boy thanks to Internet, moves to his hometown, gets boring job, and then finds herself flashing her ta-tas on stage to Aerosmith's "Rag Doll." She got last place on that amateur night.

My overly religious stylist kept insisting that I have the body of a stripper. Don't you just love that? Somehow, what I do in the gym always comes up in which I must show the world my amazing pectoralis muscle and shake my ding-a-ling for the crowd of those that go to church every Sunday. I'll be damned if they let my rest my balls in the holy water.

The girl in the book has a very laid back boyfriend. Reminds me of me as he got all excited while visiting the potential stripping employment not by what he saw in the loveliness of womanhood. Not by the breasts going by but the fact that one girl was wearing a nurse's outfit while dancing to KISS. I'm kind of like that, too, in that I'll pay more attention to the theatrics.

Would I have a problem with having a girlfriend that strips? Would she have an issue with me doing it as well? Interesting thoughts I had today as I avoided my usual issues with life. I'm totally fine with Sara whipping out da twins for the lads but gyno shots are iffy. According to her, my penis can be viewed but not touched. I can still wave at strangers with it so I do have that.

Being naked is always scary but not for me. It's who I'd be naked for that I have issues with. I've skinnydipped and ended up with my clothes being stolen but that's another story. It's just that I'd do it with friends as I would have dropped trou easily if Sara and the group decided to do so as well. You have a pool. You're young. Fun happens. What the hell. Plus, pussies are so damn beautiful.

Why not? We're taught that the human body is beautiful yet we are forced to keep it clothed for too long. Of course, there are rules and courtesies we as human beings must follow. For instance, when standing next to someone, I sure as hell shouldn't have my balls less than 2 feet from his/her face. Otherwise, that person would nicely hold them and ask others to come over and look at them.

"Hey, Hillary, look at the size of these taters!"

Oh, how so many people associate nudity with sex. Just because I'm naked doesn't mean I'm feeling like I wanna fuck. It's that thrill riding within you about how naughty you are being at the moment. Our genitals aren't that much different than the people down the block. In fact, there isn't much variables no matter how many piercings you have in your labia. My hat's off to my friend, Andrea, when she wanted to show me her pussy piercing. When I flicked it, I'm sure an angel got its wings.

I'm sure many of you have issues with being naked. That's fine. My guess is that the time I spend in the gym warrants me a lot less in issues on how I look. You just don't find me walking down the sidewalk with a bag of Cheetos while needing 200 people to clean me up for a photo shoot. Even if I wear clothes that hide my body, I enjoy being naked and having Sara see me. I'm fine with friends as well but it's sexier when I have a girlfriend that enjoys playing with my penis while she sits down to pee. Waiting on the shower's hot water is fine by me.

And so I leave you here, people. I'll be far away in a land where the trees talk amongst themselves as we guys water them our way. Sara's off as well visiting someone so our relationship that looks like movie stars' keeps on chugging along. Less than 24 hours and I'm 3 sheets to the wind, karaoking, and holding onto a dog named Blue. Everybody get loose! Cut footloose! Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

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