-Me

I'm not sure why I am in such a foul mood but let it be known of this. While I was gone down south, I learned that my little brother was in a motorcycle accident. Nothing major but a fracture on one of his arms. Why my mom wants this kept hidden from my dad I will never know. She's upset enough about the fact that my little brother no longer wears a helmet but a baseball cap.

There is also the fact that I am still worn out from Bald-O's. Years ago, I would have told you this was all thanks to staying up til past 4am thanks to knock after knock at the door. In marched guys dressed like a redneck or Nascar obsessed and out of control. All smelled of Axe, that deodarant that is supposed to have women just drop their panties without a fuss.

No more. Bald-O's is now a mix between a daycare and a place where men go out into the backyard to talk or just shoot the shit. Sports, sex, women, and who farted are the most common topics so that's all the same. I was probably the only one fascinated with the fact that a small fawn strolled into the backyard and left just as quietly as it came.

The major announcement is that Bald-O is leaving his trailer in hopes of finding a house, something around the $70,000 range. Sure, I'd want him to move up but that land is gorgeous! We're talking about wide open areas where a small barn is the only thing that takes away the view on the left. The hilly area where there is a pond (a lot of muck, though) is famous for where we have Bald-O's annual July 4th bash (missed for the first time this year BUT I'll tell you why that's okay in a minute....). A house just doesn't have that kind of personality as it is to take a motorcycle and ride all around in the backyard.

If you've ever gone south, you know it's famous for trailers. I know I've reached it when I see these things that seem to just pop up like wild mushrooms. While this is considered poverty in my town, trailers are just a way of life. At $7,000 a pop, you'll understand this rather fast. My parents lived in a trailer before I was even born so don't you dare dis folks that can move their houses around the world more easily than you.

FYI: The reason Bald-O's July 4th bash wouldn't be the same is thanks to a major storm in the area. His parents' fun-time trailer used for these types of events was smashed onto its side. Bald-O's was lifted up off the ground and had to be repaired on the side. That bastard almost died during the storm when he decided to drive the 17 miles to his parents home (every smart boy returns to Mommy when freaked out). Bald-O's little brother was upset about the speed, 85 mph, to get there and forced a slower one. Good thing, they almost hit a telephone pole on the ground with live wires.

Although I am tired, Bald-O has finally decided to make some changes with his life. Fitness. This boy needed it so bad thanks to a heart attack in the Dominican Republic last year (vacation) and his disgusting diet. Bald-O is now jogging around the pond area, hopefully at his truthful rate of 20 miles a week. I've wanted my best friend to clean himself up for his health and to finally find that girl that he can stick a finger up her butt. No girl wants a guy that chews a lot, smokes a lot, and drinks til completely drunk. Beer gut has got to go!

Well, that's not to say we didn't drink because oh, lordy, I was very drunk (a happy one at that). It's been so long since I've spent much of the night talking away hour after hour while downing more than a few. At some point, I walked funny but that was just my body's way of telling me to sleep now.

Body: "It's 2am. You have watched the Def Leppard concert DVD one too many times. Yes, the 1-armed drummer is fun to mimic but no more beer for you!"

It is fun to see someone you haven't seen in so long. With this group, it's always a sentence that starts with, "Remember when Mike........." It all reminds me that although I do hate how much my past moments of embarassment come up to haunt me, I get it now. Our overdone conversations are to keep the stories alive in our heads and, yes, I will be forced to remember the stripper that rubbed her labia piercing on my nose or Mark's having to get me in a headlock to get my contacts out after way too much rum on my birthday (I was out of control is an understatement).

Bald-O has made me happier in another way even if it's all to make pooping more fun. He reads! I feel like a parent that has just potty-trained a 2-year-old. I've never seen Bald-O read a book so it's nice to find him willing to discuss "The Da Vinci Code" or a Jon Grisham story thanks to time spent on da pot. He may be in that easy read category where these books are not very challenging but, hey! My best friend reads books now. Someday I'll get Bald-O into something that cooks and has bigger words.

"Where's Sara?"

I've been getting a lot of questions over this since everyone wants me to bring her to Bald-O's. I'm very weary of this since these people can be very wild. Never mind the fact that they'll tell Sara hundreds of things I did, many embarassing and others just plain hilarious. Sara would fit right in on sexual discussions but Bald-O's bathroom and the overload of so many people all at once can be a bit much. Remember, a lot of people came into a trailer just to see me. I'm family down there.

Plus, I sleep in what you'd call a living room, on the floor in front of the TV, and there is the occasional mouse that scurries by. Then, there is the fact that I am forced to prove my manhood by arm wrestling guys that enjoy seeing how easy it is to bring a guy with 20-inch arms down. My body was not designed for such a thing while sitting in a small apartment with a pile of Maxim Mags in front of me. To some southern gals, that's as good as it gets when it comes to being with their boys.

- - 2009-07-07

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