-"Fanny" by Erica Jong p. 261

Yes, yes, I am most in awe of this book I bought long ago at a garage sale. The author, quite well known for writing the famous book, "Fear Of Flying," caught my eye that day in the 90's. How could such a woman come up with such an elegant term, "the zipless fuck?" Bawdy women stir my mind quite close to what happens when I see Mila Jovovich with 2 automatics while using them to give the enemy hell.

Our heroine, Fanny, decides that she cannot take being made a conquered woman after reading about her first's description of the event in a letter. I'm sure no woman would want it be known that her virginity meant nothing more than sport. Fanny leaves riches in order to find herself in a land she's never known, England's squalor and ill refute.

The characters are quite interesting, if you can see the humor of the 17th Century. First, Fanny comes across a home of possibly gay witches that cast off their robes only to be killed by the religious knights (first, they must rape and then kill, though) and barely escapes. Next, she ends up in a stagecoach robbed by Lancelot while dressed as a male only to be robbed of all clothing. You'd think that Lancelot would have a great time looking at the fine female form presented in all its glory but no! He and his Merry Men are gay to the core.

And finally, our adventure is found in a brothel where Fanny is forced to give up her virginity over 50 times by making each suitor think this. If you know your history, a woman's leaving bloody sheets after being pricked is such a sign. In those days, a sponge with pigeon's blood prior to each loss would do. You'd think that Fanny would be in heaven thanks to many penises finding their way to her but no. Her mind is on Lancelot since all girls need a good gay friend.

Editor: "I'll take Lance Bass for 100, Alex."

I'm sure it was different in those times, the 17th Century. Women were so easily wooed by poetry from men dying to get under those dresses. The goofiness in me brings about how funny it would be in these times. No longer would I need a chest of steel but words that could make a woman melt in between her legs, words that would be followed by birds appearing at such a point in time.

There's all sorts of bawdy humor throughout this book. The Merry Men were gay and their leader, Lancelot, is clearly into being a sub, after all robbing from the rich makes him need to give control to another. Girls would gather around keyholes in order to get the first viewing of men's penises while using pisspots after dinner. 'Tis the best way to size up who's they want inside. All of this is done in a humorous way but only if you understand the style of speaking, much like Shakespeare.

I've learned a new word for the vagina. While I am quite enthralled with "cunt" and the occasional "pussy," "cunny" has a nice ring to it. It took me years to be able to use the p-word but certain girls in my life seem to have helped me overcome this. "Maidenhead" referred to a woman's virginity. I just go ga-ga over women talking dirty in such a new way.

So, I guess I am the only one that didn't know Lance Bass was gay. *Hits head* It happened with George Michael so why not Lance? I was given the worst gaydar in the history of the world but, then again, I didn't see On the Line.

The problem is that straight people are dressing the way gay people did in the past. C'mon, am I the only one that sees more guys wearing wife beaters in public, tight wife beaters. Men's facial grooming is so perfect, even in frat boys. I've watched a lot of sports in the old days so I'm used to butt slapping. It took me more than a year to realize Gay Nick was........well, gay. I'm sure everyone else knew but moi.

The only people I can bank money on being gay are Ryan SEAcrest and Ricky Martin. Even Gay Nick agrees with me on this so I've got mah gay boy backing me up. We'll add Tom "I shammed you all" Cruise as well. Anyone else wanna add to this list?

Speaking of weird white boys, I am no longer going to shave my legs. Right now, they look awful thanks to many mosquito bites I picked up at Bald-O's. Since we talk a lot, as all southerners tend to do, the nightfall brought out a lot of itching and bloody socks. There were times where I smacked a couple mosquitos in mid-sucking so an explosion of my blood was picked up with these things. I'm so juicy, baby, that some even went up my shorts and bit me mid-thigh.

It was kind of fun to fuck with the boys' minds that I didn't shave my legs. There was much debate since they know my dark hair makes the leg hair quite apparent in fluffiness. Soon, I outed myself by admitting that I had a "girly moment" where I was curious as to what it would be like to not have hair down there. Witness much laughing til I told Bald-O that I have not forgotten how he applied Nair all over his head to see if it could take the place of shaving it. Bald boy didn't laugh no more.

What Bald-O learned: Nair burns!

So, boys and sex. It's pretty much every girl's dream to listen in on the pathetic discussion that comes out of drunk guys' mouths. Am I right? The whole vocabulary isn't as pretty and has moments where things just don't make sense. I was very drunk but I do remember a lot of what is talked about when it comes to the subject of sex that Sunday night.

"Mike, what was the best sex you've ever had?"

"Have you ever put your finger up a girl's ass?"

The obsession with anal sex rages on. It's gotten to the point that Bald-O's curiousity is nothing new thanks to many years of chastity. The male psyche is terrible in times of going without sex. He starts to think about things as others around him experience them while he has not. The obvious is how far anal sex has been accepted in the main stream. I'm sure a lot of "Can I put my finger there?" will be heard by many southern gals each night.

The point is that, when I first met Bald-O, he told me how he thought anal sex was so disgusting. Like orally seducing a woman, it was "gross" and "smelly." Well, yes, you have to expect a girl's asshole to smell like ass but that's not the point. It's the feeling of naughtiness or thrill of doing something so taboo that makes anal sex fun. I've never done it but the fact that many people around Bald-O have done it makes him a curious George.

Nor do I frown on anal sex. I'm all for doing whatever you wish for in bed. Be it, spanking, candles, dressing up, whipping, or sploshing, do it all. I'm very fond of telling you all how I find girls' assholes so cute to look at in the 69 position. After years of being a total vagina hound (or cunny lover), it's nice to admire another lovely hole since all of the human body is to be looked at.

As far as Bald-O's needing an answer to the best sex I've ever had? There are 2 events that come to mind. The night I was practically molested by Kristan on my first major sexual experience brought forth a major orgasm. It was here that I also first dipped my fingers into a woman's honey and enjoyed the stickiness provided while being ravished wildly. Is it here that I found how I enjoy being thrown around by a woman?

The other? Simple. Sara gave me a blowjob that caused my legs to twitch violently afterwards. The orgasm was so powerful that I felt as if I was receiving it over and over while driving home and even while sitting at home. I swear. You know how a man's toes curl while he experiences orgasm? My right leg took the place of them.

Yes, I know. Tonight, I get into one of my favorite topics, seeing as I'm feeling a little better. Drinking as much as I did this weekend brought about a very dehydrated me. It took me a day to realize that I've been worn out all because I didn't have any water, just beer. Friends can be hazardous to your health but it was a weekend of celebrating so what the hell. I talk about the topic of sex when I've got the energy to get into it.

- - 2009-07-07

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