-"Aint No Other Man" by Christina Aguilera

Since this is my 2,000th entry here on Diaryland, I decided to forget about today's issues (almost all involving the trials and tribulations of Ebay) and just ask you this one question:

Do you feel like you know me?

2,000 entries is a very big deal that began in March of 2002. For most, it's a clear sign of needing attention or "E-Props" as the young 'uns call 'em. It could be a result of having nobody around to talk to or the need to tell everyone every fucking thing no matter how little it is. How many besides me hate an entry that starts with......"Today, I went shopping and got blah, blah, blah?" No, it's all about pushing away the superficial shit and painting a picture for the reader.

I really don't care about popularity. Went through it in high school and college but found being alone is far better. Less drama. Less having others put up with my own problems. Plus, it's a good idea to test how mentally tough you are instead of relying solely on others.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy having a small cult following after many people picked me up only to drop me over the smallest issues. Apparently, the topics of sororities, feminists, and religion are major and will bring about a lot of arguments. Also, be careful of dropping people that put you to sleep because they will send you a nasty note to tell you how pathetic you are (but they continue to read, however).

Many, many times, I thought about moving on. What's left to say? I've put out so many things here on Diaryland, some controversial and others quite trivial depending on your need to know. It was a little brown girl from Texas that sent me a note to tell me how unique it was to find a guy that was willing to display feelings here that kept me wanting to come back. We all know who that is but read on if you're lost.

*winks*

In some ways, I wonder if people think I am this loud mouth and obnoxious bastard. 2 people on Diaryland have met me in the flesh and loved it. One ended up being my current girlfriend for almost 1.5 years (August 21st will be the exact date). The other I took an amazing chance of seeing in Canada. How many are as crazy as I am to go to another country to meet someone that taps your mind as well as ass? Bueller? Bueller?

Okay, I'm pretty quiet but talkative one on one at times. Way back when, I was loud and goofy a little too much. Blame it on the sugar or turkey products after 3am. Bald-O said it best when we walked together on our last day of college. "People love us for our personalities."

Would that explain why my roommate, Adam, was so jealous how pretty girl after pretty girl would say hi to me whenever he walked with me?

So, let's take a look back and see if you still remember me. I'll try to make this as fast as possible seeing as there is major stress while selling comic books on Ebay. Those potential buyers ask a lot of questions.

I had 2 people I know die, one in a skydiving accident and the other was my grandma (on my dad's side).

My grandma suffers from alzheimer's disease and it has wrecked havoc on my family. Mom has a hard time talking to her over the phone because she never remembers anything. Grandma may remember me but I have to repeat the same question over and over again. It's not fun but you understand that it's what you have to do.

I have 5 dogs, Jethro, Ellie-Mae, Bonnie, Clyde, and Buffy. Clyde has the largest balls around and is shy about pooping in front of everyone. He uses bushes or corners. Ellie-Mae is "Hoss" and thinks she is boss of all. Bonnie is the toughest and biggest with attitude while being unbelievably gorgeous. We all know Buffy and her little antics that drive me nuts.

Jethro went through a terrible period where he was barely 2 pounds thanks to irritable bowel syndrome. My mom and I spent many late nights and early mornings trying to feed him only to see him throw up. Not surprisingly, Jethro was very close to death prior to surgery. It took more than a week til he was able to walk and function on his own. Now, Jethro is a crazy bastard trying to steal food from off the floor thanks to finding his new diet annoying (he has to eat the same food forever). Those were some tough nights, trying to feed him and keep him warm while his bones were so obvious.

My first kiss was with a girl named Veronica and what joy it is to hear Elvis Costello's "Veronica" play. It reminds me of that Italian girl that forced me to "marry" her in her backyard. Yeah, Veronica was hot but at the age of 8 or 10 (forgot how old I was at my first kiss) girls had cooties. As much as I would have loved to have a major smoochie-fest, I had a reputation to keep as a tough guy. You don't know how bad I wanted to kiss her some more even if Veronica's sister was standing guard with the garden hose to force me.

Somehow, at that age, I had a way with the ladies since even 8th Grade girls would kiss my chubby cheeks.

Forget lunch! I tossed all the contents out of my lunch box for bugs. Yup, this cutie collected all sorts of bugs to add to a large collection kept in the outdoor shed. Used to catch bees with my bare hands.

It's obvious I have weird taste in music. Seeing as most is in the 80's, it's no surprise that I make sure the windows are rolled up while any Debbie Gibson song comes up. How can you not like "Foolish Beat!?!" Fiona Apple, Christina Aguilera, and the old Duran Duran turn me into a dancin' fool.

There are 2 ladies in my life. One has 4 legs and is majorly hairy. The other is an artist that started a major flirtation with me. Do you know which one is Sara and which is my dog, Buffy?

I miss seeing various naked pictures of fellow Diarylanders. When I first started here, they were all over, the need for so many girls to get their "girls" out for some exposure. The titties done disappeared, dammit!

I get a lot of shit for my infatuation with Keira Knightley that I almost expect it. Whether it's notes from Sammy on lack of acting skills or too much eye shadow to Sara's looking at me weird while I flip out over Keira's scenes, I can handle it. Bring it on! Beeing lovin' Keira since..........gosh, it's been too fucking long to remember. That girl can act and is so *makes kissy sounds*.

While thinking (Tried not to do it on purpose) about which movie made such an impact on me over my years on Diaryland, I came up with Donnie Darko. Why not? No one seems to be able to classify this magnificent tale of a boy that sleepwalks, single-handedly ends a pedophile's reign, and talks to a large rabbit just as he finds himself in love. Got all that? Of course, there is that haunting song by Gary Jules, "Mad World" that I played one night while majorly depressed after a bad time with my ex, J.

Am I brave enough to admit that I have a girlfriend that may show me how to dress better?

I've talked about my best friend I met in college. The damn bastard looked like he was potential KKK on first sight of him. Bald-O and I have been close for years, seeing as the girls down the hall thought we'd never part. "When the two of you are together, there's trouble." Spent much of my time worried on how Bald-O lets his health go due to excessive drinking, chewing, and eating. Is it any wonder this boy has not gotten that almighty chance to stick his finger up a girl's butt? Now, that's Bald-O's taking better account of his health, there may be hope. Oh, I'd like to state that as more beers are downed between us, the conversations get very loud.

Couldn't go through all this without mentioning my girlfriend, now could I? Sara, Sara, Sara. What can I say about the longest relationship I've ever had? Lots but some things you wouldn't understand unless you were there. Never thought I'd become one of those that finds his girlfriend over the Internet. Gawd, it was February 21st that I made that daring attempt to meet the girl that said, "Just because you are coming over doesn't mean I'm going to share my bed with you." Like I said, I haven't left since. Sara and I have had our ups and downs just as any relationship goes through. Yes, that dreaded L word was said at some point. Survived a road trip with Sara and her college friends that I think brought us all closer. Sorry, folks, I'm taken by someone that challenges me.

Sammy once mentioned that she's been with me through many girls. Let's see............there was, of course, J, Scrapbook Girl, PenDragon, and that major crush, Elizabeth. Cass has become a good friend through all this, seeing as we work out together every now and then.

I don't know if it's true or not but I *think* that a major reason why I adore women so much is that my mom and I are very close. You'd think we are best friends by the way we act around each other. Then again, mortal enemies might be another since we argue a lot in the grocery store. Just like today's visit.

Speaking of the finest of fine in women, I wouldn't be here without my little brown girl that could, Sammy. I know a lot of you may grumble at my shout outs to her but we've been best 'Net buddies since..........well, forever. Would you believe that Sammy was in high school (now that sounds creepy) during our little discussions over Diaryland and have seen her all the way through college? We'll argue but be completely fine after picking up all the chairs thrown around the room. I know it's crazy to say such great things about someone you've never physically met but just ask Sara how much I adore her. Sammy and I will meet one day since I just have to pick her up and hug her.

How can I forget about you? Smoochie boochies to a pack of wild girls that continuously drive me crazy, Hiss, Zu, Hoar, Summer, and the Mentos explosion lover. I'm sure I'll meet some of you one day seeing as I am dying to visit Australia to hang with kangaroos, wallabies, and koalas while wearing nothing but a French maid's outfit. That is something that is Sara approved, by the way, and thought up by Hiss somewhere in her nap sessions. Plus, I love good punk story discussions and Miami needs me to do my best Last Dragon impressions as Vanity's music plays.

Most of my friends are girls. There's no doubt that I am most comfortable talking to the estrogen club. The only problem is that guys I don't know tend to get jealous. Remember how Slut Watcher's jaw dropped when the most beautiful girl in the gym came up to talk to me, just me? My college roommates were so jealous at how I wasn't coming home much or how I got so many waves or his while walking with them. This year has found me saying, "I have a girlfriend. Her name is Sara." so many times.

How can I forget about my infamous sex entries? They are googled and googled everyday by people that obviously have no idea what it is like to sleep with a girl. Ones I do remember are my long history on porn (a long, long two parter), panty puddles (I just love to feel them with the back of my hand while fingering), my sexual adventures ("Dear Penthouse?"), things I found too controversial (I find it disgusting to cum on a girl's face), why I don't find the sight of women peeing erotic (It's cute, though, since there are so many different seating arrangements and they tend to want to play with my cock while going), and my ex, Jen's, hilarious need to show me the proper way to sniff a girl's panties after spending too much time in the music department one morning. I just find this enormous humor in sex to be uplifting.

There's also my most infamous entries that involve sex, from my first time to my love of going down on girls. Certain people that will remain nameless spent almost 20 minutes on each of these entries. I can tell you for certain which one of you ladies comes to mind. Where have you ever read about a guy having to be forced down onto a couch in order to receive his first blowjob?

Each year, I do an entry on my love of the vagina. Why not? Many countries (Asian mostly) celebrate the penis but show no love for the most beautiful of genitals. Even I agree that penises are weird looking. I'm not ashamed at how I tend to find myself admiring all my girlfriends' little pussies at some point. Their wicked smiles just show how much I know what I am doing when I lick my sticky fingers. I really need to do an entry soon since I just love a wet cunt and it's undescribable smell.

My left armpit smells worse than the right one during sweaty times.

I love the animals many people forget about like great white sharks and wolves. Dogs and kitty cats are great but show some love for the uglies, people. Just keep stomping on those flies and mosquitoes.

Some of you await my day of giving myself over to the job. The days of Stinky and Ugly will happen eventually since we all enjoy seeing the awkward love moments of those less fortunate in the looks and odor department.

Some of you voiced your displeasure when I announced I had a girlfriend. Well, she's here to stay. It's funny how it took Sara's pointing out to me that many of you girls were *ahem* hitting on me. I, seriously, didn't notice this but do know that I get fewer sentences telling me how someone wants to see various bodyparts. Even the 4 of you that wanted to send me your wet panties suddenly ceased to exist.

- - 2009-07-07

Love Facebook - 2009-05-07

Retards Away! - 2009-02-16

Jackasses! I Sees 'Em! - 2008-11-28

My Birthday Happened - 2008-09-07