My mom: "Backing what 'thang' up?"

Confused as to what I am talking about? I'll get to that in a second seeing as I've had the frightening (or honorable) realization that my backyard is officically spider country. Yessirree, you cannot go through there without coming across my girls, Tika, Tasselhoff (and her brood), and various others. Hell, I had to duck underneath a long spiderweb connected from the tree all the way to the bush just to see Tasselhoff.

Big. Tasselhoff's a big girl now, with that massive abdomen full of whatever bug had the balls (or stupidity) to fly into her web. She's the type that enjoys showing off her size no matter how many fat jokes a fly can come up with.

Fly: "You're so fat that if I were to prick you, you'd bleed gravy."

Fly: "You're so fat that when prior to your entering a movie theater, the ticket taker has to make sure you aren't hiding small children underneath your clothes."

Tika has a problem, though. If you've ever really looked at a spider's web, you'll notice how it has a special design that continues on to the center where it gets smaller. I'm not sure if Tika realizes this but hers is like a college student on a drinking binge on Saturday night, it's wonky and all over the place.

Yeah, it's weird how I set out every night to see how my girls are doing. Tika and Tasselhoff seem to be used to me with my flashlight, carefully looking into their many eyes. Why not? This world is just as much theirs as long as they stay out of my house. Plus, I've noticed that my backyard has been mosquito-free for a while. Totally rocks!

My idiotic neighbors left their 6-week-old puppy outside all day. Guess who noticed this and went over to spend time with it? The waterbowl left for her was too large so I had to change that as well. The 2 dogs, puppy and that one that escaped last week, were left outside for far too long. Dogs are okay but puppies should not be without supervision for that long.

That's what I did all day, I kept track of the water situation and whether the little girl was okay. When I arrived home from the gym, instead of doing an errand, I snuck into the neighbors' backyard and sat in the chair with that little puppy. She was so in need of attention that it was almost like a kid saying, "Daddy, daddy, look!" and then falling over.

I hate irresponsible pet owners. You know the type. Some leave their dogs in hot cars or can't seem to lock their gates only for the pet to escape. It's just plain stupidity on my neighbors' part and I just could not allow that little pound of fur go without some attention and water. The cute thing was that the bigger dog kept a close eye on the puppy by having it curl up with her near the bushes in the corner. Prior to that, during the heat of the afternoon, she slept in the small garden. Ever seen a small puppy yawn while peering over flowers?

So, women and coverage. What I was talking about was the fact that I made the mention to my mother about women and their underwear tastes. It's my humble opinion that as a woman ages, she wants more fabric around her derriere. Just about all my past girlfriends all wore skimpy little teeny tiny panties that barely even concealed that cute little pink strawberry nestled between those legs. Now? Well, I'm sure my mom was more selective in her underwear choices long ago (No, I do not want to think about that) but what I saw her put in the grocery cart says more is needed.

Yeah, I'm sure it's fun to shop with a parent only for them to blurt out, "Oh, we're gonna pick up some underwear." That's great! Now, since most of you are girls, how would you feel about your dads saying all that but also adding to misery by saying outloud how he might need more 'ball-coverage'? I've heard they fall down more as a man ages. Just sayin'. Now, you know how I feel when my mother tells me to go to a different part of the store for a set period of time.

If you do wish to know, I do like panties and how women select different designs. I'm not a thong type o' guy but I appreciate the desire to be sexy and playful with the selection that some might choose in seducing their boyfriends with. Ask any guy and he'll tell you that, yes, it is fun to watch a girlfriend get dressed in the morning while singing to herself. I said it once and I'll say it again. All guys should know the color of his girlfriend's panties at all times.

Want a good show to watch? I'm in love with A & E's Gene Simmon's Family Jewels. This guy may be full of himself but he is also a lot of fun. Gene's wife, Shannon Tweed, and his kids, Sophia and Nick, all make a fun group to watch. Much more educated than the Osborne clan.

One of my fantasies for a birthday (September 6th-mark your calendars because a little Hedgehoggy was born!), would be to have a day at the zoo all to myself. I'd be in the penguin exhibit where I pride myself at watching them walk around me as well as insist I swim with them. Then, we'd hang out with dolphins where I hope one doesn't try to mate with me (I am, after all, a sexy bastard when I bat my pretty blue eyes-just ask Sara) while riding it around. Hey, if a down syndrome kid can find something within himself when it comes to dolphins, it gives me hope that I don't need a helmet each day.

FYI: I do not need a helmet but knowing how animated I get, at times, it's on a list of things I should own.

Tigers? Oh, I'd love to hang out in a grassy area being chased by the most beautiful animal ever designed. Yes, I know I said that about the great white shark as well but c'mon! Who doesn't find a tiger so damn lovable looking!?! Their paws are bigger than my head, and, yes, I have held a baby tiger before.

More zoo..........let's see, I'd love to feed the gators and crocodiles. I can live without a toe or 2. Giraffes would be something to take pictures of while wolves would be an admirable animal to have crowd around me and tell me I am so lickable. Every guy needs a little ego boost so wolves will be my choice.

Weird to have a birthday fantasy where I have a zoo to myself when I actually hate zoos. Animals aren't meant to live in areas fenced off from freedom, only rehabilitated. It'll probably be best if I just spent a week up in my tree with a family of squirrels doing the chant we all know they do before winter:

"Nuts! Nuts! Nuts! Gots to get them nuts!"

And so I leave you here with this incredible entry where I am full of myself as I wander a zoo, dwell on how much panty coverage a woman needs as she ages, and my spider family that keeps me grounded. Yeah, I'm mental tonight and I love every minute of it. Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

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