-Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man

Be still my cynical and non-trusting heart! Oh, how I cry for the love of Tuesdays and all that TV has given me. A workout where I find myself smiled at by the sweet female friends or goofy guys that make comments on my obviously sock-ful feet (I take my shoes off to do abs) is made only better as I lay like a good zombie with a remote. I say, can ya feel me, people?

Tuesdays are offically my day for TV watching. The Fall Season has started off with a bang. So sue me for having a love of football where I watch Friday Night Lights and end up with a mad case of lust for Veronica Mars. Say, didn't I once say that blondes just didn't do it for me? Miss Mars sure as hell does and puts a good quote out:

"There's not a day that goes by where I don't piss someone off."

12 episodes of Veronica Mars. 12 weeks of doing my best to balance work, working out, and doing whatever else my cynical heart can find within itself. Friends never did it for me. Neither did Everybody Loves Raymond. Only a father/daughter detective team could.

At least, everything was all good til the squirrels rolling acorns down the roof of the house decided to knock the satellite dish around. Only a few seconds of fuzziness while I cursed their names and dull chants. C'mon, how many times do those little bastards have to yell out how many nuts they found for winter?

Good thing the satellite was only out for a short while. Veronica Mars was a doozy of a first episode since it starts right after the second season. The character gets major props in nerd mags for a reason, folks. Kristen Bell = scorching hot chick with brains.

And so I go from fictional blonde character to my friend, Kim. Now divorced and forced to join basketball teams of males she can easily beat and lesbians that she cannot, I'm glad she keeps a smile. It's hard for her to suddenly be all alone thanks to an ex-husband that was upset about her being the sole income for the household. Men, at times, are looked to when it comes to what's in their wallets but Kim didn't have a problem.

It's fun to listen to a friend that is just dying to fuck. Kim's very open when it comes to sexuality but the gym has too many people around. Me being me, it's always enjoyable how girls are so open to discussing their sexuality. Not only is it a topic that causes a lot of laughs but I learn what each enjoys.

What I'm curious about is why Kim asked for my email address all of a sudden. I know things can be hard to talk about in the gym due to so many people walking around while both of us are trying to also finish our workouts. Kim has a hard time talking about her love of giving head when the whole place is full of too much testosterone. Me, I'm just worried that she'll cause too many embarassing erections that she'd enjoy pointing out.

Day 30something of where I have not seen an episode of Anderson Cooper's CNN show. I am so trying to get back into my insane need for news but need more time. For some reason, I have felt more free and less anger due to all this avoiding the news. Newspapers but that's it.

To give you an idea as to my bad psychological makeup, I watched Bill Maher's Real Time recently. No big deal? I could have watched a Cinemax sex show instead. Boobs or a discussion on George Bush. Damn, I picked Bush, the wrong bush!

We all know I have a warped mind. Sara calls me "weird" on just about every occasion I visit. To some this is a dis but I find it endearing because normal just plain sucks. My answer to the "weird" statement is "always!"

Kawasaki, Japan holds a Penis Day every year. It's one of those holidays where women and men celebrate the almighty values of the male penis. Whoo! Isn't that great? I could walk around like the cock of the walk pointing at what I've got down there. As long as it's flaccid, that is. Boners are hard to deal with since we guys can only think with one thing at a time.

If you've never seen Penis Day in Kawasaki, you should find a place that shows pictures of the insanity. Women of all ages are shown sucking on suckers in the shape of our beloved phallic architecture. You know how Beck said he's got 2 turntables and a microphone?" 2 balls and a big fat bone could be a possibility as to what a Japanese boy in a track suit will come up with.

So, I ask why no one has a Vagina Day. As far as I know, there is nothing when it comes to that lovely little strangely scented candy lips (but no bubblegum tongue) that react to the slowest of licks. I've seen plenty of pussies and I say let there be a day where women feel free to spread the word.

This is where my "weird" mind comes in. Could it be that men are so supremely jealous that many women are multi-orgasmic? I'll admit to a small ounce of this even if my sex-drive isn't what it once was. Sometimes, even when I squirt, I dread it because it's all over. No more of that swollen itch that's getting scratched. There is something enchanting about seeing my cock lubed up and milked slowly. That happens when I've been a good boy.

Plus, most men don't quite grasp the multi-orgasmic thing. Upon deflation, we lost interest in sex because the mind suddenly becomes aware of other things. Food is one of the first thoughts while sleeping becomes another. If we could squirt many more times right after one sex session, we'd be less jealous and more understanding of the female orgasm.

Another theory I have is that many women may have done this to themselves. Sure, cramps and that bloated feeling are moments where hours and hours feels like you're stuck behind a flatulent camel in a narrow corridor. It's just that the complaining makes a holiday celebrating the vagina not such a good thing. Even if a guy got extreme rug burn on his most sensitive parts, he'd keep it to himself.

Add all that up to the confusion surrounding the vagina. While the penis is obviously out there hanging around, it's more wedged inward and in a dark, dark place. Penis = friendly friend with 2 nuts. Vagina = Darth Vader and smells kind of strange at first.

FYI, I absolutely love the vagina so don't go sending me notes of hatred. It's been so long since I've received a mean one that I kind of miss 'em, though.

I don't know why these thoughts just popped in my head today. The possibility of my dog, Buffy, owning a Superman outfit to be worn on her walks just might be one of them. Think of the number of people that are going to scream in delight about the "cute little doggie" while she's already getting a lot of attention as it is. Buffy knows how to work it and works it well.

I hope that Buffy gets a Batman outfit as well. Superman in the daytime and Batman at night. Me, the owner, is probably going to be seen as a big gay guy with little dog. Muscle guys do not own small dogs unless they are Mickey O' Rourke.

Well, that's all from me as I go back to reading DragonLance and wondering how girls would feel if vaginas were respected as much as penises. Masculine religions seem to be a major culprit. Then again, we all know Islamic guys love their camels a little too much. But would they dress them up in superhero outfits? Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

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