-Fran Lebowitz

Have I officially recovered from Black Friday? Looking at the clock's '11:35am' tells me no. Due to me being an early waker, this pretty much makes me feel pretty damn behind when I wake up to half the day being gone.

I've always been up in the morning. Could it have been those Saturday morning cartoons like Scooby Doo and Spiderman And His Amazing Friends that did all this? Get a nice big bowl of overly-sugared cereal that has a cartoon telling you that there are lots of vitamins inside, sit down with it, and prepare to be drained by mindless cartoons. Believe it or not, I was always choosey in that I only cared what Scooby and the gang had going.

While I was a bit of a wiley kid that had to be doin' somethin' or I'd feel bored, not everyone shared my beliefs. My best friend from long ago, Mikey, was completely out on Saturday mornings. It wasn't til noon that I could knock on his door and begin our time for exploring. Try telling that to a kid that is dying to get outside and cause mischief. This is what his dad would say everytime he answered but Mikey was still asleep:

"Buzz off."

Nice words. Doesn't really matter since noon and then some were the times spent exploring. Where did I get all that energy? Not once did I need a nap or time for rest because that's just what the wicked don't do, rest. I miss Mikey and those times where we'd play far too much tag with the neighborhood kids. Sometimes, even the older girls across the street would get themselves involved. I didn't realize it at the time but deep inside there was a curiousity about them.

So, I wake up around noon and head on out to do errands. No biggie until it hit me that traffic will be heavy and far too many people will be found walking around like zombies. That's what I love about bookstores. Only the smarties go there so my local Border's and Barnes had only minimal people blocking up aisles.

But waking up is still hard. This morning, I felt like I'd been hit by mini cannonballs. Bones creaked when I moved, yawning, and the obvious scratching of balls and ass cheeks take place. Sometimes, I wish I was neutered.

But I have other wishes. I've been thinking about all those times I've taken to having a front row seat to idioticville. You know the place. A boss comes up and complains about something that is beyond your doing. Is it to make himself feel better? Just letting out a bad day on you? I've been wondering what joyous event has me under its power.

Explosive diarrhea. That's my answer to the issues with idiots. I wish I had the power to make anyone that pisses me off with stupidity a moment where their eyes get large and a major amount of painful pooping is done in their pants. While the conversation may contain the first usual sentence.......

Boss: "Hedgie, I think you are doing a terrible job on this parking lot. Things are a mess (It's the wind, you asshole). And I'd like it if you......Oh, gawd! I've gotta go!"

Me: "Well, it looks like you went. I'll get you the shovel since I'd really like it if you kept MY parking lot cleaner, Mr. Poopy Pants."

I don't know why but I've had all sorts of frustrations only to find myself wishing I had powers. Asshole cuts you off in traffic? Wave of the finger and he/she ends up upside down thanks to your flipping it into the middle of the meridian. Works even better when the explosive diarrhea power is a bonus.

I'm also not exactly feeling very social. While I am normally the type that enjoys a good goofy time, waking up at noon after being around far too many people than I care to has me on the quiet side. This is because I must have a limit to how many people I enjoy meeting. Once it reaches a point, fuck off. Only good friends get special priviledges like knowing me for 24 hours.

Oh, yeah, I had today off but am back at work tomorrow for the usual non-sleeping and waking up in the afternoon thingee. So far, I'm not doing as bad as last year. Damn near burned out but Doug kept me alive. This year, I play around with the thoughts of my boss, Crotch Rot, and Clown getting explosive diarrhea. You don't wanna know how many times I looked at Clown while at work on Black Friday with a mad case of the giggles. First, she's bend over while flames shot out her ass. Then, it all begins while small children find themselves crying over a woman with far too much makeup realizes she is full of shit. Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

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