-Bananas

Sammy and Sara have both talked of their disdain for bookstores, namely Barnes N Noble and Borders. I, too, have issues with both of them seeing as I have never ever found a book I've wanted the first time I've gone to visit these bookstores. Not once and I am not kidding on this.

In case you've never heard of Barnes or Border's, I'll do my best to describe. Barnes is enormous but altogether confusing. It's almost like more effort is placed on the discounted ('older') books rather than the current stuff. Mags are near the door while Fiction & Literature are in the middle. Romance books are next to the sexuality section. Before you go all out in thinking I hang out there, no. Barnes has the most boring sexuality books around. Although, I must admit the playroom is quite nice. Kids get to have more fun.

Border's is the smaller version. Ours is so tightly packed that new books are stacked on top of the shelves. It's actually not that bad because even a midget can get what he/she wants because Border's doesn't get rid of older books so fast. This could be why I have seen actual midgets there. Don't worry. I was able to control my fear of them.

Okay, so my adventure had me visit Barnes only to find that my sudden desire for Karen Russell's 'St. Lucy's Home For Girls Raised By Wolves' wasn't available. Damn, I missed the drop off date because this one was released in September. Why Barnes feels the need to get rid of anything older than a month is very odd.

Why Barnes N Noble suck:

1). No computer system for customer's use. I'm not much for using various things that hundreds of people touch thanks to germ phobia. It's just....damn! A computer system where you don't have to ask for an employee's help would be a great thing, yo. I was in here for over 20 minutes looking for Karen Russell's book only to find that no copies were available.

2). Our magazine guy is slow, so slow that things due out on Friday aren't put out til Sunday. 'Us Weekly' is important for I must catch up on this Keira Knightley engagement. It is a moral imperative!

3). Anything older than a month is gone, gone like yesterday's 5-Pound Phooey turd. I don't understand why older books are so impossible to get here but it's the truth.

4). Book placement. Fiction and literature should be easy to place. They are made up stories, people! This includes anything by Bill O' Reilly, Dr. Phil, and Erica Jong. While Sara has a problem with the placement of Wicca books being away from the religion section, at least they have their own here.

5). The photography section used to have all sorts of good stuff, from David Lachapelle and Herb Ritts. No more. It's just that woman that won't stop taking pictures of babies. Damn, there should be some nudity, tastefully done, of course. Border's carries the good stuff so why does Barnes only consist of 'Playboy's Playmate Book?' If you think I'm being weird, I find it more odd that coffee table books of kids sell so well. That's someone else's kid. Not yours.

But I got it. Border's had 4 copies of 'St. Lucy's Home For Girls Raised By Wolves.' There was an interview with the author that I enjoyed her views. Somehow, I just decided to see what Karen Russell can do with fiction only to see great reviews on Amazon. All I know is that it's a bunch of stories told from kids' viewpoints that contain fantasy.

So, besides 5-Pound Phooey's need to chew out a small Scottie and chase squirrels, that's been my day. She does react to the sounds squirrels make while we walk by stopping to look up a tree. Neither of us has been hit by a nut...........yet.

Now, I ask you a very simple question. What do you think of women going out in short skirts but no underwear? Is it slutty? Cute? Sexy? Gross? I've always wondered what other women think.

Why? Britney Spears has been out with Paris Hilton, someone notorious for flashing the boys sans undies. You might think that drives me nuts, pictures of Paris that show her pink parts, but no. Somehow, Britney has joined in on this since we now have some pictures floating around the 'Net where stubble bumps on her crotch show that the pink parts are not concealed. I'm sure that a lot of guys are 'right clicking' every 2 minutes but think about this.

Britney is a mom, two kids to be exact. Her smartest move has been to dump that gold digging husband, K-Fed, but now she hangs with Paris Hilton in the wee hours. Something's off here and I'm not even interested in kids. Mothers hanging around bad influences without underwear. This sounds like a bad episode of 'Dear Abby...'

Dear Abby,

My mother doesn't seem to love us anymore. There is this awful woman that comes to our house. While Mama was nice during the day, she turns into a raging she-bitch once this blonde woman rings our doorbell. It's obvious that when she sits down on our couch that she aint wearing any underwear. Gross! Lil Bobby thinks this is cool and stares at the strangely colored cooter in front of him for hours. I get beatings if I ask where this weird 'smell' is coming from. Then, my mama leaves us alone in the house til the next morning where we find her passed out on the lawn til the sprinklers come on. We are happy about the sprinklers because they help wash her while she wakes up. Sometimes my mom poops her out there without realizing that various people are taking her picture. Is this why Grandma calls my mama a 'slut?' I'm confused because I thought it was because of that infamous night where during one of my favorite songs sung by Mama, 'Oops, I Did It Again,' she made love to a banana, an orange, but we had trouble getting the remote control back. This made Daddy (now gone.......just gone) mad because his video was playing but was muted by everyone present. Do I need help?

I've got to go to work soon so I will endeth my question on whether women without underwear are as bad as Saddam. Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

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