-Oscar Wilde

Let's move all the wagons to the center, girls. The time is gonna get a bit rough on us all as a storm is on its way. 9-10 inches of snow is predicted for my town so Valentine's Day is pretty much dead for me. Everything starts late Monday night and ends up in Tuesday. Woke up with a completely whited out backyard once. Well, I can do it again only this time it's gonna be twice as much.

Then again, our 9-10 inches (sounds kind of like a porno when I talk about snow, eh?) is nothing compared to New York's predicted 11-feet. I'm only 5'10' so there's gonna be problems with me getting out the door.

Working out in the morning is kind of weird. A part of my brain just hasn't registered a 'good morning' from various friends of mine. I'm more used to everyone seeing me in the evening around 5-6:30pm but it's still nice. The only weird thing is that I feel all the good people come out during the day while the shady type make themselves known on those evenings.

Whom did I see? Old Nick, Tamalah, and that girl that looks so eerily like my ex for starters. Tamalah announces to me that she is no longer engaged since she's waited long enough. 2 years and no ring? Never give a black woman false promises for she will know lies eventually.

But I must admit to feeling for Tamalah. I've known her for years and how hard she worked to get a massage business going all while teaching a SPIN class. No matter how tired this girl was, she still came into the gym to work out frustrations. There were times Tamalah would have a big ol' smile when showing the engagement ring because she couldn't wait for the wedding to finally take place.

I don't know. It feels like everyone's breaking up. First, it was Lauren. Various others in my gym have now become single and now Tamalah. Is it winter's cruel cold that makes us so suddenly resentful for what we have? I'm definitely not perfect in that my attitude can use a good cooling off.

So, Tamalah and I sat for a short while (we do go to work out, yo) and discussed how there are various things in relationships that can annoy. Habits? Feeling like he/she doesn't care or notices you? Lying? Cheating? It's like no relationship can ever be completely perfect.

But how do you work through a tough time? Do you just give up? Hope all will get better? I'm curious because there are times I run my mouth off or become distant thanks to worries. My family can be pretty wack-o every now and then. You try having a dad that doesn't take care of himself. How many times have I seen him go to the hospital? I lost count.

Little do we realize that by withholding information, it just makes things worse. I've very rarely discussed my family with Sara. For all I know, she could think we're like the Tennenbaums or Walter ("Mark it 8, dude!"). In all actuality, this family is pretty damn nice when things are pleasant. Only, when it rains, it pours.

Maybe my family's occasional fucked up functions can explain me. I've learned to hide some emotions by causing myself to blank out. You'd swear I was looking right through you. When I saw the ambulance at my house, my only reaction was to get my books and walk calmly into the house.

Am I truly depressed? Who the fuck knows. It just takes a real tough person to crack me open but Bald-O did it. Just wish he lived closer so there would be more moments spent with a beer in one hand. Males have themselves as pyschiatrists.

On the Sundance Channel (It's cold outside, people), there was the debut of some weird documentary about the importance of female sexuality. Nothing much new that I don't already know from studying. Female orgasms were thought to be women in hysterics. The clitoris was not discovered for years and years. Then, there's this new debate as to whether an orgasm is vaginal or clitoral.

My only true love is how each woman interviewed was so open about her sexuallity, the good and the bad. Nothing was left hidden. Penis size? First time? Kissing? Foreplay? Clitorises? It was all there with occasional smiles thanks to old memories even if most were not sexually satisfied. I don't think anyone can possibly be that way.

Sexual satisfaction is confusing to me. It's a huge topic that would take forever but just know that I suck at reading various signals. She says one thing and then changes her mind. I've been there so many times that I'm disappointed in myself.

So, all those alone on V-Day? Looks like I'll be that way as well. Haven't heard from Sara since I left and snow's on the way. I hate being hurt but that's life. You find some way of occupying your time. I'll be shoveling and building mazes. Who'd come over if I insisted we all do topless karaoke? Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

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