-"Save Me From Myself" by Christina Aguilera

I sit here in tan cargo pants, sandals, a black t-shirt, and 4-eyed due to not finding much enjoyment with contacts at this hour. I'm calm all because it's just the start of a major snowstorm heading this way. Right when you open up a door, you'll notice quite a snowfall. The only sound is the snowtrucks going up and down the streets to meet this battle head on.

Yeah, I know some places have hurricanes. Others have tornadoes all throughout the summer. We've got the major enemy in snow every now and then. While it's nice to know early on that things are gonna get mad annoying with streets barely driveable, you can't help but get a small sense of excitement that danger brings.

Obviously, if I were still the 8-year-old twerp I once was, I'd have my boots ready to head on out to Kmart. Some of my best climbing was done on giant snow mounds that would resemble some of the largest tits on Earth. Down we'd all go if they were packed enough for our weight. If not, I'd just sink into nothing and come out all wet.

Remember, I had 2 left boots to wear because I was too stupid to tell my mother that I needed a new pair.

Alas, everyone knows about the storm. While in the packed gym, it was pretty much my basic question to everyone. "Do you know about tomorrow." That 'tomorrow' is complete in meaning we're-fucked-with-snow, yo. By tomorrow, it's supposed to be up to 12-inches. I've got shoveling to do, not only to get us all out of the driveway but 5 lil' people that bark a lot. Being only 7-inches tall can suck at times.

There's been a lot of chatter about penises lately. One website just conjured up, 'Snapyourchap,' wants men to send in snapshots of their flaccid boyhood pals. No erections because that kind of photography would be labeled as 'sexually explicit.' Plus, the whole thing is to show men that penises come in all forms and sizes so they'll stop worrying about 'em.

Note: Considering the amount of cosmetic surgery on vaginas lately, I'd say that women are constantly comparing their own to what is presented in porn. I'm sure women of all ages have bent over for their boyfriends to ask what they think about their labias. C'mon, I've been in this situation thousands of times so could we be looking at guys asking their girlfriends for advice on their penises' appearances?

Plus, I'm going to ride out this storm with Ron Jeremy's biography, 'The Hardest (Working) Man In Show Business." In between shoveling, you'll find my nose in a book consisting of a man with a 9.5 inch pecker's way of seeing his life. So far, I'm past his first kiss, loss of virginity, first porn moment, and am now on the days of swinging in New York. Interesting that there was a smorgasbord at one of these because fucking for long hours makes a guy hungry.

It's kind of weird for a guy to be known solely for his 9.5 inch schlong. Either that or Ron's gross appearance, hairy and fat. I've always wondered why a guy that constantly talks of how it's so lucky for a guy that looks like he does getting thousands of women would let himself be that way. For me, I wouldn't even allow myself in public til I can do sit-ups easily or remove excess body hair. If we expect women to look great in porn flicks, it's about time someone got a hose for Ron Jeremy.

But a 9.5 inch penis? I'm not jealous or anything because I've always been happy with my size. Not one girl I've ever been with has complained about the size. As far as I know, Sara's the only one that proudly boasts on the size of my balls while I love her breasts. Plus, I love her longer hair.

A lot of guys are extremely fragile on the size of their dicks. I'm curious as to how much counseling a girl has to give her boyfriend when he feels he doesn't measure up after watching porn where a guy plowed a girl with an 8-inch or more. You probably already know the Man Law where we are not allowed to use urinals in close proximity. It doesn't matter if there is just THAT one not in use. You wait or pee in the corner.

I'm more proud of my semen production but that's for another tale........

Okay, I'm a bit tired of various newscenters making Valentine's Day such an enormous deal. Forget about the wars or Anna Nicole Smith's refrigerator contents! Various men are stopped in stores by reporters insisting that a guy spill details as to what he got his girlfriend for V-Day. Please, it's nice and all that but some of us have bad memories where our major first break-up took place on the 14th.

I'm one of those people that has mixed feelings about V-Day. Sara knows this and I hope she knows I do love her. If I were able to get to Indiana, of course, I'd take her out to dinner. Just not sure how romantic the mood would be when walking through over 6 inches of snow. There are precious moments where Sara and I use sign language to discuss various people in the restaurant. Bad manners are all over the place and all waitresses should be treated with respect.

Plus, I've gotta ask what girls do for their guys. Even me, someone that has just about every materialistic need fulfilled, finds a hand-written card to be a great thing. There is nothing better than seeing handwriting and a simple telling of how someone feels about you. Sexy underwear? I received Calvins, once. My mother asked me how a girl knew what I wear and I answered:

"I show 'em to everyone!"

Is it any wonder why my stylist thinks I should have been a stripper? Somehow, I've stopped unzipping my pants and waving my weiner at Sara while shouting 'whoo-whoo!'

So, I'm outta here. I'll need a lot of rest for tomorrow's shoveling. Might even be a new maze to build for the dogs. With no urine marks, they might even get lost. Happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

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