-Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

If you don't know what that Grand Theft Auto is, it's a video game. What I find surprising is just that, that quote is found within the game. The character is trying to get by on other people's hard work by shooting and jackin'. Whatever happened to seeing a young thug bagging your groceries?

There is a use for rap, at least for me. I hate hanging up my clothes. Absolutely hate it! It's the repitition of putting up something now clean (hopefully) after running around in them previously. Rap makes things easier by making you shake yo' tail feather (or what yo' mamma gave ya) while doing so. Never thought I'd say that Young Jeezy and R. Kelly's 'Go Getta' would help me in life.

Editor: "Let's not forget those white college girls that laughed at you when you accidently decided to dance outside while at work. Should we call it 'dancing' when it comes to how a white boy shakes what little ass he has?"

But you know me. I hate rap so much, even if playing a little makes clean-ups somewhat easier. The words, too much bragging, make me irritated in how they corrupt youth into thinking that life is all about ho's and bling. Now, there is a new problem.

Since when is driving a Honda Accord a huge dis? Have you heard The Game/Kanye West's 'Won't Get Far?' In it, The Game talks about various bootie shaker girls found in videos and how they are nothing. I could go on and on about how stupid this song is but it's the assumption that a Honda Accord is a sign of hard times.

Geez, I'm probably the only fella out there that is fine with his piece-of-shit auto-mo-bile (watch Sixteen Candles to understand the joke about the possibility of a retarded Chinaman losing a car to the lake). Not only do the criminal element avoid stealing it but also looking in. Little do they know that I have more expensive toys in life than those that drive big SUVs.

A man and his auto-mo-bile? A sign of how big his cock is? I'm completely fine with the size of mine, even if it can be unreliable at times. I've never had this fixation of driving a Porsche or Lamborghini as a lot of boys did. Plus, my insurance rate is so cheap with no one wanting to steal my car.

Note: I have friends that drive Honda Accords. Lauren does and loves hers. If I was a young black male troublemaker, I'd think twice about carjacking when it comes to this girl. Balls will be rolling down the street.

To end this, I hope The Game goes away. His mouth is just completely out of it all while not knowing what he is talking about. Can't rap and his shoe ads are of him just standing there holding half a pair. Whoo! Why does this simply dull ad campaign get people to buy The Game's shoe?

Ah, but there is life as I try to catch up with what the cool kids are watching/listening to these days. Never thought Christina Aguilera could get better than her older sexy videos til I caught 75% of 'Candyman.' Sorry, rappers. Girls in 1940's clothes can look far sexier than gigantic booties in spandex no matter how many times they can clap while walking.

My curse is that I cannot turn on the TV fast enough to catch Christina's music video for 'Candyman.' I'm trying so hard but getting back from a run with 5-Pound Phooey leaves me more razzled than just sitting there.

So, tomorrow is Tuesday and that means DVDs come out. Since my dad and I are big fans of James Bond flicks, that means I will set out to get my filthy little paws on Casino Royale. According to my dad, this Bond was done right. Would you believe I still hold a candle for Roger Moore? Sean Connery never did it for me. A lot of people are shocked at my taste in Bonds.

If you look closely, there is another DVD set to come out. Of course, this being America, we are afraid to mention the word 'sex.' Shortbus, a very controversial flick by the guy that gave us an AMAZING flick, Hedwig And the Angry Inch, will make its very silent debut. C'mon, you know you've heard a few things about this movie.

Shortbus, as far as I know, has real sex. No big deal. 9 Songs did as well but it was much cooler to me when it came to the concert portions. How many think that the perfect sex flick should have effort put into the music area as well? Of course, I'd put in some ridiculous shit like 80's rock from The Lost Boys soundtrack.

Okay, there is a lot of controversy about Shortbus, namely that it starts with a guy giving himself a blowjob and ending with a massive orgy. A lot of boys, when it comes to self oral love, would never leave the house. That's a fact, girls. Write it down. My only question is how the director found people willing to have sex on camera without them being porno experienced.

I might check out Shortbus but I'm so tired of being bored with various sex movies. If you've never watched porn, this might all be fascinating. Of course, having lots of people over for tea while the telly plays scenes of guys blowing themselves raises all sorts of good conversation. Unfortunately, men attending will be wondering if the women think that they've been doing this behind their backs. Trust me. If a guy is in the bathroom for a good 30 minutes, it's not to suck himself off.

Other than all that being on my mind, 5-Pound Phooey chased an orange cat, gave some lip to a Pekignese dog, chased rabbits and is in much better shape than before. Even I am noticing a little bit of power in these legs after running each day. Running may be a lonely man's game but it sure is fun with a dog.

So, hope y'all are settled into enjoying this fine weather. Storms are coming and the temps will drop next week for us in the midwest. Don't you dare tell me Sean Connery is the best Bond. For Your Eyes Only brings back a lot of fond memories since sexy Bond girls like that can make a 10-year-old wonder if his penis has a mind of its own as Sheena Easton sings that, OH, so erotic title song. My life's an open book......happy twats all around.

- - 2009-07-07

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